We need to take more empowered stances. As female leaders, we can set a firm boundary without “criticizing “ our male leaders. I’m done rolling over and hoping for Christlike behavior from leaders. If I am ever on the receiving end of unrighteous dominion, the perp will hear the truth from me. We are not doing the brethren any favors by allowing such behavior to go unremarked.
A few years ago, the missionaries asked me for help teaching a woman from another faith. She was not ordained clergy from a mainstream denomination, but she was able to preach, baptise and possibly perform marriages in her church. They wanted me to talk to her about women’s roles in the church. I refused, telling them that I was not the right woman for the job. I referred them to another woman who holds orthodox beliefs. My husband asked me why I wouldn’t help. I explained to him that I was not going to try to explain to her why she should give up the rights she already has. She wouldn’t be able to do any of the things she could do now except preach and then only if asked and only on a topic of the bishop’s choosing. I could not, in good conscience, help someone become a member of an organization where she would be treated like a second class citizen. ( Especially when I don’t believe God intended for women to be treated that way)
The “never criticize” advice reminds me so much of a book I read when I was in my first year of marriage: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by “Dr” Laura. I can’t tell you how much damage that book and that ethos did to me- mentally, physically, and spiritually. Twenty years later, when I separated from my husband after two decades of abuse, neglect, and betrayal, I found a copy of that book on Facebook Marketplace. I bought it for $3, and when I got home I tore every page out, one by one, and burned it in the fireplace.
Yes yes yes. I read this book TWICE because I felt like I didn’t do a good job taking her advice after my first read. Hmmm wonder why?! It’s so damaging and keeps women in the loop of blaming themselves instead of looking at the unequal power dynamics that we operate in. Now I write pieces on my substack about sacred rage and breaking out of patriarchy. But man did it take me a long time to wake up.
Imagine staying at a job where you and the women you love are treated this way... I remember as a missionary (with a mission president who regularly diagnosed sisters with mental health disorders and sent them home, even though he wasn't a therapist or any kind of medical professional, and an abusive companion who somehow won his favor despite my clear warnings) saying "I wouldn't put up with this for anyone but Jesus" never considering what kind of God would ask me to.
As disheartening as it is to know that female leaders clearly saw the “asymmetry” but stayed silent or, in some cases, made excuses for it, I find it heartening to learn that the exit rate of younger women who were raised LDS is now approaching 60%! The “good ship Zion” is rapidly approaching the waterfall that will force some major changes. Allowing women to be auditors and SS presidents doesn’t come close to arresting the outflow. Something’s gotta give, and soon.
Just be prepared for serious gas lighting when it does. “Why would you think the church has ever behaved in a way that didn’t recognize the full value of women?”
Well, that just about breaks my heart. I’ve had Volume 1 sitting in my living room for a year and I guess it’s time to just dive in. Thank you for the hope along with the hurt.
I had it sitting on my shelf for a year as well, so many books so little time, but a good friend kept texting me her jaw-dropping moments as she read it so finally I picked it up about three weeks ago and have read and read and read it. Unbelievable!
Ok. Now I’m going to have to read the diary! I was present at the BYU Women’s Conference when Jean Bingham said those things. I remember being quite dissatisfied with that response, but considering myself ‘all in’ at the time I brushed it off as my own lack of humility…or some such awfulness! I find myself relieved on the one hand that the women leaders felt diminished, but on the other hand, angry that they didn’t stand their ground. Thanks, Cynthia for the excellence of this article and its timeliness at the passing of CLP.
It still seems to me that that majority of Mormon women, including leaders, are content to keep carrying water. I have no scientific basis for this belief and would love to be proved wrong.
Once I left a marriage full of coercive control, I started to feel more and more uncomfortable at church - I finally admitted to myself that the patterns of power and control in my marriage were identical at church- my body felt it before my brain was ready to process another loss!
Same here, except mine was after spending years in therapy healing trauma from abuse and neglect as a child and dealing with toxic parents. When Renlund gave a conf talk about Heavenly Mother, I wrote in my journal that the church was in so many ways just like an abusive parent. Unpacking that lead me to realize how abusive my marriage was.
As a husband, I would have put the seventy in his place. I lost my fear of church leadership some years ago.
We need to take more empowered stances. As female leaders, we can set a firm boundary without “criticizing “ our male leaders. I’m done rolling over and hoping for Christlike behavior from leaders. If I am ever on the receiving end of unrighteous dominion, the perp will hear the truth from me. We are not doing the brethren any favors by allowing such behavior to go unremarked.
Thank you for being a woman who says what she thinks!! It’s helped me to stop keeping my thoughts inside.
Loved this article!! Thank you Cynthia, job well done. Can’t wait to read CLP now❤️
A few years ago, the missionaries asked me for help teaching a woman from another faith. She was not ordained clergy from a mainstream denomination, but she was able to preach, baptise and possibly perform marriages in her church. They wanted me to talk to her about women’s roles in the church. I refused, telling them that I was not the right woman for the job. I referred them to another woman who holds orthodox beliefs. My husband asked me why I wouldn’t help. I explained to him that I was not going to try to explain to her why she should give up the rights she already has. She wouldn’t be able to do any of the things she could do now except preach and then only if asked and only on a topic of the bishop’s choosing. I could not, in good conscience, help someone become a member of an organization where she would be treated like a second class citizen. ( Especially when I don’t believe God intended for women to be treated that way)
Wow KC that took courage! 👏🏽
The “never criticize” advice reminds me so much of a book I read when I was in my first year of marriage: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by “Dr” Laura. I can’t tell you how much damage that book and that ethos did to me- mentally, physically, and spiritually. Twenty years later, when I separated from my husband after two decades of abuse, neglect, and betrayal, I found a copy of that book on Facebook Marketplace. I bought it for $3, and when I got home I tore every page out, one by one, and burned it in the fireplace.
Yes yes yes. I read this book TWICE because I felt like I didn’t do a good job taking her advice after my first read. Hmmm wonder why?! It’s so damaging and keeps women in the loop of blaming themselves instead of looking at the unequal power dynamics that we operate in. Now I write pieces on my substack about sacred rage and breaking out of patriarchy. But man did it take me a long time to wake up.
Imagine staying at a job where you and the women you love are treated this way... I remember as a missionary (with a mission president who regularly diagnosed sisters with mental health disorders and sent them home, even though he wasn't a therapist or any kind of medical professional, and an abusive companion who somehow won his favor despite my clear warnings) saying "I wouldn't put up with this for anyone but Jesus" never considering what kind of God would ask me to.
https://religionnews.com/2026/08/04/why-are-so-many-young-women-leaving-mormonism/
We may or may not be interviewing Jan Ries about this article very soon! Stay tuned!
As disheartening as it is to know that female leaders clearly saw the “asymmetry” but stayed silent or, in some cases, made excuses for it, I find it heartening to learn that the exit rate of younger women who were raised LDS is now approaching 60%! The “good ship Zion” is rapidly approaching the waterfall that will force some major changes. Allowing women to be auditors and SS presidents doesn’t come close to arresting the outflow. Something’s gotta give, and soon.
Just be prepared for serious gas lighting when it does. “Why would you think the church has ever behaved in a way that didn’t recognize the full value of women?”
💯💯💯
Well, that just about breaks my heart. I’ve had Volume 1 sitting in my living room for a year and I guess it’s time to just dive in. Thank you for the hope along with the hurt.
I had it sitting on my shelf for a year as well, so many books so little time, but a good friend kept texting me her jaw-dropping moments as she read it so finally I picked it up about three weeks ago and have read and read and read it. Unbelievable!
Awesome article.
And I love your photo! 🤩
Ok. Now I’m going to have to read the diary! I was present at the BYU Women’s Conference when Jean Bingham said those things. I remember being quite dissatisfied with that response, but considering myself ‘all in’ at the time I brushed it off as my own lack of humility…or some such awfulness! I find myself relieved on the one hand that the women leaders felt diminished, but on the other hand, angry that they didn’t stand their ground. Thanks, Cynthia for the excellence of this article and its timeliness at the passing of CLP.
It still seems to me that that majority of Mormon women, including leaders, are content to keep carrying water. I have no scientific basis for this belief and would love to be proved wrong.
Once I left a marriage full of coercive control, I started to feel more and more uncomfortable at church - I finally admitted to myself that the patterns of power and control in my marriage were identical at church- my body felt it before my brain was ready to process another loss!
Same here, except mine was after spending years in therapy healing trauma from abuse and neglect as a child and dealing with toxic parents. When Renlund gave a conf talk about Heavenly Mother, I wrote in my journal that the church was in so many ways just like an abusive parent. Unpacking that lead me to realize how abusive my marriage was.
Best. Title. Ever.