Patriarchy & Pornography
by Cynthia Winward
Over the last five years of the At Last She Said It podcast,
we’ve received loads of emails asking us to have an episode about pornography. For a host of reasons, we have not felt like that is a topic we want to cover—mainly because every other LDS podcaster out there has beat that stinky dead horse, with varying degrees of hurtful to helpful. Also, how could that ever be just one episode? Porn is the tip of the iceberg in our shame-filled approach to sex so to handle that topic well would probably require an entire series. So for now, we’ll leave those topics to others.
But today I do want to address just one of those bigger issues under the proverbial tip of the iceberg—how patriarchy can take one problem like porn and multiply it into bigger problems. Specifically, the way our all-male clergy handles this problem behind closed doors in bishops’ offices. I’ve had my own experiences with male clergy behind closed doors and I’ve also been privileged to hear from other women about how their bishops and stake presidents deal with pornography problems in public versus private.
Isn’t that the definition of integrity? Having your public self match your private self? How we treat porn publicly is not how we treat it privately.
In public discourse, talks, lessons, and conference addresses, the church treats porn as a purity issue—as a violation of the law of chastity. Often the users are publicly treated in talks as horrible sinners who leave their families. But in my experience, behind closed doors it’s a boys club of backslapping, downplaying, and telling men how courageous they are to come forward and confess. (Yes, I know pornography is used by girls and women as well, but my focus for this essay is how men deal with men.)
I have a friend whose husband had a porn problem, confessed to the stake president while he was being called to serve as bishop, but the stake president extended the call to serve as bishop anyway. Naively or arrogantly, the stake president thought he could fix this new bishop so they met weekly for check-ins. So is purity and worthiness really not the big deal we’ve publicly made it out to be? Or is that just in private that we whitewash it?
I met another woman in a yoga class whose husband was the stake president. After class we walked out together and she told me that when her husband was extended the call by the general authority, her husband admitted that pornography was a huge problem for him, one he had kept secret from her. The general authority told him, “Stop doing it now, but just don’t ever tell your wife.” So the call was extended despite this man lying to his wife for years. The last I heard, this woman was trying to track down that general authority so she could give him a piece of her mind. What kind of leader encourages a husband to keep secrets from his wife? I stopped being surprised at stories like these a decade ago as the patriarchy of the good ol’ boys club came into clear focus.
Many male leaders in the good ol’ boys club often make excuses for men’s porn use, especially if the man is married. There’s often a lot of blame on the wife. I know women who have been told by bishops to make themselves more sexually available to their husbands. Women have been told by their bishops to go ahead and get breast enlargement because the husband said it would help him stop. Women are told to quit being codependent because that’s why their husband won’t stop—she’s enabling him! The codependency of women is literally the opening mantra for one of the 12-step-LDS-adjacent offshoots. (I personally have attended three different versions/offshoots of the church’s 12 step program for family members who want to support ‘addicted’ loved ones. In my experience, each one is a disaster in different ways.)
In my opinion, how Mormonism deals with pornography is just another symptom of the damage done through patriarchy.
Patriarchy also takes the burden of change and forgiveness and often places it squarely on the woman’s shoulders. Women are told to go home and write talks about forgiving the men in their lives. Women are given blessings by bishops where she is told ‘The Adversary’ will use this to make her bitter and angry if she doesn’t forgive. Again, I shouldn’t be surprised because ecclesiastical leaders often place similar burdens on wives stuck in abusive marriages, or when a couple has separated or filed for divorce. The goal is always to save the marriage, whether that’s best for her or not. I’ve lost track of how much correspondence we have received from women saying their bishops have asked more pastoral questions about the husband rather than herself when she is the one in front of him. Questions such as, “What can we do to get your husband back on the covenant path?”
In my anecdotal experience, most of the time there are zero consequences to porn users, like being released from callings or losing temple recommends. If anything, men are told to go to the temple more because it will help them stop. Yet other Latter-day Saints are denied access to the temple all the time for reasons such as advocacy for LGBTQ+ people, or paying tithing to charities instead of the church organization. We need to stop our pretense of purity and worthiness and admit the threshold to enter the temple is about loyalty to an organization.
I am not saying men should be released or lose their temple recommends. For a bigger discussion of worthiness read our chapter on that topic in our book. Or listen to Episode 70, What about Worthiness? But then why even harp on worthiness publicly, enforce our branding of purity, have fifth Sunday lessons about pornography, but behind closed doors treat it like a hangnail? Shouldn’t our public discourse match our private reactions? Isn’t that the definition of integrity? Having your public self match your private self? How we treat porn publicly is not how we treat it privately. Full stop. Our hypocrisy is the real issue for me—not worthiness or purity.
In my opinion, how Mormonism deals with pornography is just another symptom of the damage done through patriarchy. Men are soft on men and almost always harder on women. Patriarchy has taught us our entire lives that we are the guardians of virtue, and helpmeets to men. Until clergy positions are equally yoked among women and men, these lopsided systems will always disproportionately hurt women.
Recently a friend shared that in his ward council the bishop was thinking of having the sacrament talks deal with the topic of pornography. I said to him that until we get honest about the harms of patriarchy, until we have more realistic teachings about chastity and purity, and tackle our shame culture, we are in no way equipped to deal with the bigger problem of what lies under the ocean.
After writing this essay, I asked Susan to proofread it before it published. I warned her that I solved nothing in this essay. That I didn’t even offer hope. She wisely said to me, “This is not ours to fix.”
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This is absolutely on point! I also think that the church’s overall handling of pornography use is pretty bad. They throw “addiction” around liberally, often making men believe they are addicts when they aren’t.
Wow. Cynthia. You have done such a great job at shinging a light on how loaded this topic is. I’m also rolling my eyes at the organization of the church for who they proclaim to be and how they are not aligned with true integrity. This line really hit me today, because someone finally said it out loud:
“In my anecdotal experience, most of the time there are zero consequences to porn users, like being released from callings or losing temple recommends. If anything, men are told to go to the temple more because it will help them stop. Yet other Latter-day Saints are denied access to the temple all the time for reasons such as advocacy for LGBTQ+ people, or paying tithing to charities instead of the church organization. We need to stop our pretense of purity and worthiness and admit the threshold to enter the temple is about loyalty to an organization.”