My dad passed away at 45 years old in 2000. SO much prayer and fasting and temple roll praying happened on his behalf. And he still died. Since then I have been very jaded to the idea that prayer saves lives or can change the course of events.
This was a beautifully hard read. It really touched me. Prayer and reconciling loving parents that want the best for us with tragic outcomes it’s so hard to wrap my brain around. Hard to believe in a God that blesses and answers but then not, for no apparent reason. Only to blame the asker for not being “enough”. Your thoughts have answered some burning questions, I appreciate your vulnerability to share. I hope you feel some sisterhood back as we shoulder a bit of the hurt with you. ❤️
Sending love and all the good energy in my body is a perfect description of how I feel about approaching hard things with people we love. Saying prayers doesn’t do it for me. I don’t believe that my praying has any effect on outcomes. It’s so complicated and doesn’t line up for me.
Thank you for taking the time to write this essay. I’ve have been practicing contemplative prayer for the past several months. This feels right and yet I have these moments that I tell me you’re doing it wrong. It’s then I try to bring center myself back to a place of faith, trust, and peace realizing I have found God again.
This hit hard. In 2023 I was in the hospital caring for my own nephew through his bone marrow transplant. It was very hard for me to hope or be sure it would all end up well. My own son had died in that very hospital and he was no less deserving and our prayers were just as earnest then. It’s all just such a painful reminder that we don’t know the answers and maybe there are none. (My nephew is doing great btw 🎉)
I think I could of wrote this myself. Not the first story, but the rest. I don't believe in miracles like I was taught anymore. I don't believe we can control our futures with prayers, fasting, temple, and obedience.
I, too, have given up the practice of praying to affect outcomes, using it as a magic charm. Sometimes the line between faith and superstition seems really blurry. I've had to expand and redefine what prayer is, does, and even looks like for me. One of the best things I can hear from someone is "thinking of you" or "this made me think of you." I feel carried in that moment and a little less alone. I wonder if the purpose of prayer could be another way to express that and that if we let the person know, they might feel carried and a little less alone through the hardship they are in.
Reading from the comments, it's comforting to know we can all relate to your questions, Blakelee. It's hard to be satisfied, knowing God is love, after the years of being steeped in a tradition of throwing up your hands and trusting Jesus to take the wheel.
I’m mourning and grieving with you. I also miss certainty. And at the same time I know that becoming more and more at peace with uncertainty is my work to do. I really appreciate your willingness to share yourself like this in this piece. Thank you. 💔
While you mourn with your family and nephew, I mourn with you. I too desperately miss that certainty; the belief that actions can change divine outcomes. Thanks for sharing this story 🤍.
My dad passed away at 45 years old in 2000. SO much prayer and fasting and temple roll praying happened on his behalf. And he still died. Since then I have been very jaded to the idea that prayer saves lives or can change the course of events.
This was a beautifully hard read. It really touched me. Prayer and reconciling loving parents that want the best for us with tragic outcomes it’s so hard to wrap my brain around. Hard to believe in a God that blesses and answers but then not, for no apparent reason. Only to blame the asker for not being “enough”. Your thoughts have answered some burning questions, I appreciate your vulnerability to share. I hope you feel some sisterhood back as we shoulder a bit of the hurt with you. ❤️
Sending love and all the good energy in my body is a perfect description of how I feel about approaching hard things with people we love. Saying prayers doesn’t do it for me. I don’t believe that my praying has any effect on outcomes. It’s so complicated and doesn’t line up for me.
Thank you for taking the time to write this essay. I’ve have been practicing contemplative prayer for the past several months. This feels right and yet I have these moments that I tell me you’re doing it wrong. It’s then I try to bring center myself back to a place of faith, trust, and peace realizing I have found God again.
This hit hard. In 2023 I was in the hospital caring for my own nephew through his bone marrow transplant. It was very hard for me to hope or be sure it would all end up well. My own son had died in that very hospital and he was no less deserving and our prayers were just as earnest then. It’s all just such a painful reminder that we don’t know the answers and maybe there are none. (My nephew is doing great btw 🎉)
I'm so sorry Mckinsey you lost your sweet boy. We definitely don't know the answers and it's so painful to parents like you when we pretend we do.
I think I could of wrote this myself. Not the first story, but the rest. I don't believe in miracles like I was taught anymore. I don't believe we can control our futures with prayers, fasting, temple, and obedience.
I, too, have given up the practice of praying to affect outcomes, using it as a magic charm. Sometimes the line between faith and superstition seems really blurry. I've had to expand and redefine what prayer is, does, and even looks like for me. One of the best things I can hear from someone is "thinking of you" or "this made me think of you." I feel carried in that moment and a little less alone. I wonder if the purpose of prayer could be another way to express that and that if we let the person know, they might feel carried and a little less alone through the hardship they are in.
"Sometimes the line between faith and superstition seems really blurry". THIS right here is the honest truth!
Reading from the comments, it's comforting to know we can all relate to your questions, Blakelee. It's hard to be satisfied, knowing God is love, after the years of being steeped in a tradition of throwing up your hands and trusting Jesus to take the wheel.
I’m mourning and grieving with you. I also miss certainty. And at the same time I know that becoming more and more at peace with uncertainty is my work to do. I really appreciate your willingness to share yourself like this in this piece. Thank you. 💔
While you mourn with your family and nephew, I mourn with you. I too desperately miss that certainty; the belief that actions can change divine outcomes. Thanks for sharing this story 🤍.
Beautiful piece
You echo my feelings exactly. Thank you.
I wish I had answers about prayer too. So badly. Thanks for such an honest and vulnerable post my friend.
What a moving and heart wrenching piece. Thank you for sharing. May your nephew and your entire family be upheld by Love. ❤️🩹
Weeping with you this morning Blakelee.