Thank you, Tawna, for your beautiful essay. I was that same introverted child and felt broken until well into my 20s. Your words give me strength to keep going with who am I and set up boundaries I need with church. For a long time, I told myself I needed to be more outspoken in church and then when I inevitably wasn't, I would berate myself. It was a horrible cycle but I'm free of it now. I never want my children to go through that.
Oh Rachel….it hurts so much. I feel you. I remember taking one of my kids up to give a talk or something in Primary and they started crying and I thought, “What the hell am I doing?? I’m perpetuating the exact same experience/trauma I had growing up onto my own kids!” I gently took her down to her seat, feeling like a complete shmuck, and vowed then and there to never force participation on my kids ever again. It still hurts me when I think about it. Later we had a bishopric at the time that was doing testimony meetings with our YM/YW that had EVERYONE in the circle take a turn. Really good guys, but really oblivious to introverts. Luckily my husband was in that bishopric. I eventually gave a talk in sacrament meeting about how introverts feel at church, and after a lot of different meetings, the bishopric stopped doing that circle testimony meeting once a month. I’ve also told my kids they never have to give a talk…that they can say no. And you know what? They all said no most of the time, and about their senior year, they have each gotten up and given beautiful, heartfelt talks or testimonies. I still wouldn’t care if they chose not to, but I thank my lucky stars every day I “grew up” as a parent and let them be captain of their own souls. It’s been a ride!
Once again, I feel like I took in a large and very nourishing meal and will need a bit time to digest each lovely dish and consider what I liked about them. As a loud person who has often felt shushed and shamed in church communities it is both enlightening and sad to consider I have hurt quieter people as I failed to see beyond my own discomfort. I am so sorry. Now I can do better.
As a loud person I feel every bit of what you said. I can finally see that I have also hurt others, mainly through quiet judgment. I hope I am better now.
Thank you for reading and letting me share some of my experiences. I see the ALSSI community as one of the communities where people are finding a place for their Christian values to line up with lived experience. It’s a beautiful thing. Thank you, Cynthia and Susan, for creating this space 🤍.
Tawna I so connected with your essay! I just read Quiet earlier this month and I wished I could have given it to myself as a child when I felt so broken and wrong. We almost equate extroversion with being Christlike in the church and it's so hard. I felt like I could have written a big portion of your story myself. Thank you for sharing!
I sometimes find myself falling back into thoughts of... if I was back in Bishoprics, high council, quorum instructor..., I would certainly have taken this material with me into leadership meetings, talks, and classes. That happened again this morning reading through this. All of the it! Having struggled for so long in my roles in the leadership patriarchy, I pray that voices like yours are reaching others in leadership who seek change or at least understand why it is needed.
I couldn’t agree more that the more I find different ways to be a ‘Christian’, the more I think it looks like what actually Jesus did in all the scripture stories. The more I think about the LDS church and the system it’s fallen into, the more it feels like the opposite of what Christ spent His time doing. It’s heartbreaking and also hurts my brain all at once to navigate it all some days.
I love the idea that the church is a work in progress. I do agree that sometimes we go "oh it's the true church! That means it's already perfect!" But we ignore that it's also supposed to be a LIVING church, which means things can and should change. And they have! I also find it so interesting how so many of us are starting to be willing to admit that past leaders made mistakes but we can't allow ourselves to believe that the current ones are making mistakes. We can only admit they were wrong after they are dead and we are no longer obligated to sustain. Like we think "sustain" means, "believe and defend their every word and action."
Thank you, Tawna, for your beautiful essay. I was that same introverted child and felt broken until well into my 20s. Your words give me strength to keep going with who am I and set up boundaries I need with church. For a long time, I told myself I needed to be more outspoken in church and then when I inevitably wasn't, I would berate myself. It was a horrible cycle but I'm free of it now. I never want my children to go through that.
Oh Rachel….it hurts so much. I feel you. I remember taking one of my kids up to give a talk or something in Primary and they started crying and I thought, “What the hell am I doing?? I’m perpetuating the exact same experience/trauma I had growing up onto my own kids!” I gently took her down to her seat, feeling like a complete shmuck, and vowed then and there to never force participation on my kids ever again. It still hurts me when I think about it. Later we had a bishopric at the time that was doing testimony meetings with our YM/YW that had EVERYONE in the circle take a turn. Really good guys, but really oblivious to introverts. Luckily my husband was in that bishopric. I eventually gave a talk in sacrament meeting about how introverts feel at church, and after a lot of different meetings, the bishopric stopped doing that circle testimony meeting once a month. I’ve also told my kids they never have to give a talk…that they can say no. And you know what? They all said no most of the time, and about their senior year, they have each gotten up and given beautiful, heartfelt talks or testimonies. I still wouldn’t care if they chose not to, but I thank my lucky stars every day I “grew up” as a parent and let them be captain of their own souls. It’s been a ride!
Once again, I feel like I took in a large and very nourishing meal and will need a bit time to digest each lovely dish and consider what I liked about them. As a loud person who has often felt shushed and shamed in church communities it is both enlightening and sad to consider I have hurt quieter people as I failed to see beyond my own discomfort. I am so sorry. Now I can do better.
As a loud person I feel every bit of what you said. I can finally see that I have also hurt others, mainly through quiet judgment. I hope I am better now.
Feeling all the feels for you right now. I hope your replacements have some degree of nuance.
Thank you for reading and letting me share some of my experiences. I see the ALSSI community as one of the communities where people are finding a place for their Christian values to line up with lived experience. It’s a beautiful thing. Thank you, Cynthia and Susan, for creating this space 🤍.
Tawna I so connected with your essay! I just read Quiet earlier this month and I wished I could have given it to myself as a child when I felt so broken and wrong. We almost equate extroversion with being Christlike in the church and it's so hard. I felt like I could have written a big portion of your story myself. Thank you for sharing!
Tawna’s essay might be one of the best descriptions I’ve read of being a quiet person in a “loud” church.
I loved this essay too, so much! I've been waiting my whole church life for someone to articulate my experience this way.
I sometimes find myself falling back into thoughts of... if I was back in Bishoprics, high council, quorum instructor..., I would certainly have taken this material with me into leadership meetings, talks, and classes. That happened again this morning reading through this. All of the it! Having struggled for so long in my roles in the leadership patriarchy, I pray that voices like yours are reaching others in leadership who seek change or at least understand why it is needed.
I couldn’t agree more that the more I find different ways to be a ‘Christian’, the more I think it looks like what actually Jesus did in all the scripture stories. The more I think about the LDS church and the system it’s fallen into, the more it feels like the opposite of what Christ spent His time doing. It’s heartbreaking and also hurts my brain all at once to navigate it all some days.
I love the idea that the church is a work in progress. I do agree that sometimes we go "oh it's the true church! That means it's already perfect!" But we ignore that it's also supposed to be a LIVING church, which means things can and should change. And they have! I also find it so interesting how so many of us are starting to be willing to admit that past leaders made mistakes but we can't allow ourselves to believe that the current ones are making mistakes. We can only admit they were wrong after they are dead and we are no longer obligated to sustain. Like we think "sustain" means, "believe and defend their every word and action."