I enjoyed reading your thoughts Blakelee. Thank you for being open and sharing them. I also have similar questions and I don’t always come to the same conclusions as others, but the fact that others share their thoughts and conclusions, gives me permission to lean into and allow my own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Thanks for sharing your walk through these complex thoughts. Though it’s not a main focus here, I too have come to believe less in a real Satan, a person actively trying to draw us into evil. I think mortal life is difficult and people have inherent goodness in them. Our doctrine teaches that we all have divinity inside! And I feel like your take on God here, as one who seizes opportunities or leaves 1,200 clues for us to discover 4 is a beautiful, resonant image of God.
“I believe that God puts things in our hands and “stands back” hoping that we will take care of each other.”
Blakelee —
I will be the first to say that I was excited to see you address this subject again. This sentence from your account hit home hard as I have often debated many of your same questions deep inside myself over my lifetime. I have always believed in prayer as it comforts me. But recognize that not all prayers are the same and not all end up resulting in anything. I have tried to live my life knowing that I can be an answer to someone else’s needs… and with a prayer in my heart that I will be “aware enough” to notice when I can help.
My daughter gave us a Storyworth subscription, and my wife (who is a dedicated journal writer) has been after me to document some of the good and bad things that I have experienced in the Church. I don’t journal, but in the past I have, on occasion, sat down and wrote a short word document on an experience. I would save it to a flash drive. I have several drives accumulated over the years along with art I have seen or sold. I’ve gone through all six of those flash drives this past month, saving and printing out these stories. I didn’t realize how many there are. Here is one that fits well with your account and sentiments today:
A couple of weeks ago, as I was getting in my truck to head to the office, the thought occurred to me to stop at the ATM for some cash on my way. I looked in my wallet, saw $120 and thought, no, I don’t need to. I stopped anyway at the drive-through ATM and withdrew $200. I don’t go out often for lunch. Preferring to eat a bagel or something simple while continuing to work. But I learned some time ago that it is helpful to me to get away from the phone and my office once a week for an hour. I have been trying to do that. That same day, I looked at my watch, and realized I was hungry. It was past two o’clock and I thought I would just skip lunch. And besides, I had gone out the day before to a local restaurant that I visit monthly and often with my family. I decided to take a break, and I found myself going back to that same restaurant. I was greeted at the door with a “back so soon” smile by the hostess. My waitress was a young lady that I had met previously on a couple of visits. Something was off with her; she was just not herself. As I was finishing my meal and she brought me a diet coke refill, I asked her if everything was ok? She told me it was her birthday and that was hard for her. Rather than joking about it, I said “want to talk about it?” She started to tear up, and I pointed to the chair opposite me. She told me that she hadn’t talked with her mother in three years. She was nearing graduation from USU, and she was mad at herself that her birthday was bringing up these hard feelings about her mother. She shared a couple more details about what had happened including that her mom lived in Arizona. I tried to cheer her up. She stood and left and then came back with the check. As I dropped the receipt into my wallet, I saw the cash. I pulled it all out, wrote on the credit card receipt, “Go see your Mom. Happy Birthday!” and left all the cash and walked out.
Today I went back to this restaurant, not even thinking about my previous visit. The same hostess greeted me and gave me a hug. What was that about I thought while she sat me at a table? The same waitress from a couple of weeks ago came to the table and motioned me to stand up. She hugged me and said, “I went to AZ and saw my mom, and it was wonderful. She was so surprised and happy to see me. Thank you so much for the push. I couldn’t have done it without your help.” We both shared a few tears, and I had a great lunch. At one point the owner of the restaurant came out. He said that his entire staff knew what had happened. He wanted to personally thank me. And then he quipped, “when she asked for the time-off to go, my first reaction was not on such short notice. But when she told me about what you had done, how could I say no?”
Why did I go to the ATM that morning? Why did I return to the same restaurant two days in a row? Why did I get seated with that particular waitress? And why did she confide in me the sorrow she was feeling? I don’t know how all this happens, but every so often I realize that I should always be on the lookout to be the answer to someone else’s needs.
I enjoyed reading your thoughts Blakelee. Thank you for being open and sharing them. I also have similar questions and I don’t always come to the same conclusions as others, but the fact that others share their thoughts and conclusions, gives me permission to lean into and allow my own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Thanks for sharing your walk through these complex thoughts. Though it’s not a main focus here, I too have come to believe less in a real Satan, a person actively trying to draw us into evil. I think mortal life is difficult and people have inherent goodness in them. Our doctrine teaches that we all have divinity inside! And I feel like your take on God here, as one who seizes opportunities or leaves 1,200 clues for us to discover 4 is a beautiful, resonant image of God.
“I believe that God puts things in our hands and “stands back” hoping that we will take care of each other.”
Blakelee —
I will be the first to say that I was excited to see you address this subject again. This sentence from your account hit home hard as I have often debated many of your same questions deep inside myself over my lifetime. I have always believed in prayer as it comforts me. But recognize that not all prayers are the same and not all end up resulting in anything. I have tried to live my life knowing that I can be an answer to someone else’s needs… and with a prayer in my heart that I will be “aware enough” to notice when I can help.
My daughter gave us a Storyworth subscription, and my wife (who is a dedicated journal writer) has been after me to document some of the good and bad things that I have experienced in the Church. I don’t journal, but in the past I have, on occasion, sat down and wrote a short word document on an experience. I would save it to a flash drive. I have several drives accumulated over the years along with art I have seen or sold. I’ve gone through all six of those flash drives this past month, saving and printing out these stories. I didn’t realize how many there are. Here is one that fits well with your account and sentiments today:
A couple of weeks ago, as I was getting in my truck to head to the office, the thought occurred to me to stop at the ATM for some cash on my way. I looked in my wallet, saw $120 and thought, no, I don’t need to. I stopped anyway at the drive-through ATM and withdrew $200. I don’t go out often for lunch. Preferring to eat a bagel or something simple while continuing to work. But I learned some time ago that it is helpful to me to get away from the phone and my office once a week for an hour. I have been trying to do that. That same day, I looked at my watch, and realized I was hungry. It was past two o’clock and I thought I would just skip lunch. And besides, I had gone out the day before to a local restaurant that I visit monthly and often with my family. I decided to take a break, and I found myself going back to that same restaurant. I was greeted at the door with a “back so soon” smile by the hostess. My waitress was a young lady that I had met previously on a couple of visits. Something was off with her; she was just not herself. As I was finishing my meal and she brought me a diet coke refill, I asked her if everything was ok? She told me it was her birthday and that was hard for her. Rather than joking about it, I said “want to talk about it?” She started to tear up, and I pointed to the chair opposite me. She told me that she hadn’t talked with her mother in three years. She was nearing graduation from USU, and she was mad at herself that her birthday was bringing up these hard feelings about her mother. She shared a couple more details about what had happened including that her mom lived in Arizona. I tried to cheer her up. She stood and left and then came back with the check. As I dropped the receipt into my wallet, I saw the cash. I pulled it all out, wrote on the credit card receipt, “Go see your Mom. Happy Birthday!” and left all the cash and walked out.
Today I went back to this restaurant, not even thinking about my previous visit. The same hostess greeted me and gave me a hug. What was that about I thought while she sat me at a table? The same waitress from a couple of weeks ago came to the table and motioned me to stand up. She hugged me and said, “I went to AZ and saw my mom, and it was wonderful. She was so surprised and happy to see me. Thank you so much for the push. I couldn’t have done it without your help.” We both shared a few tears, and I had a great lunch. At one point the owner of the restaurant came out. He said that his entire staff knew what had happened. He wanted to personally thank me. And then he quipped, “when she asked for the time-off to go, my first reaction was not on such short notice. But when she told me about what you had done, how could I say no?”
Why did I go to the ATM that morning? Why did I return to the same restaurant two days in a row? Why did I get seated with that particular waitress? And why did she confide in me the sorrow she was feeling? I don’t know how all this happens, but every so often I realize that I should always be on the lookout to be the answer to someone else’s needs.