Note from the author:
I apologize if you experience dejavu while reading this piece. I wrote a previous essay with a similar theme a few months ago. It’s a topic that is heavy on my soul and never very far from my thoughts. Hence, my preoccupation with it.
Hope is the benefit
by Blakelee Ellis
My friend’s father recently passed away very
unexpectedly. I sat in her living room a few days later and grieved with her. “I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason,” she said. “Sometimes, it's just hard to figure out the reason.”
All I could do was smile in reply.
There are so many words we use for that sentiment. Fate. Divine Will. Kismet. Destiny. Karma. God’s plan. Everything happens for a reason.
But what if it doesn’t?
Humans are meaning makers. We look for the meaning, for the purpose of almost everything in our lives. The world makes more sense that way. We don’t look for meaning in solely the good things that happen in life. We tell ourselves stories for the bad and the ugly as well. We feel more in control when everything happens for a reason. We take great solace in the stories we tell ourselves: that a loved one died for a reason, that you weren't meant to get that job anyway, God has something greater in store for you. We tell ourselves these things to organize the chaos and help things make sense. To give meaning to our joys and our heartaches. Because the alternative is terrifying. If everything happens by chance then we have to admit that we are at the mercy of the universe. That there is no one out there controlling things. It’s much more comfortable for us to believe that things happen for a reason.
It is unfair and unkind of me to lump all of humanity together in my cynicism. Of course, it’s more complex than everyone just telling themselves stories. There are many many people who truly believe and find hope in the thought of a God who is always involved. There can be comfort in the belief that God controls all from the greatest to the smallest. This vast universe is controlled by fluctuations in minuscule particles. Energy that controls the entire cosmos is held in electrons, protons and neurons which are almost too tiny to know they exist. The physical world is shaped by the constant flow of energy. Perhaps God not only exists, but works on this infinitesimal level.
I used to find solace in that God who controls all, but not anymore. I used to be certain about a lot of things, but not anymore. I no longer claim I know very many things, but one thing I do know is that God loves ALL of humanity with a love so big and so grand there is no way to truly understand it. I believe that not only does God give love and grace, but God gives it in abundance. I believe that God is wholly good and so no bad thing can come from God. But there is more in the world than love and grace. There is plenty of evil, corruption and destruction here too. Christianity’s story tells us that if there is a giver of grace, there must be a giver of evil. So, we told the story of Satan.
It’s literally a tale as old as time: good against evil. God always makes good things happen, but Satan stops those good things from happening.
But, do bad things really really really have to happen or do they just happen? Why does it comfort us to have a reason for bad things happening? I believe we’re here on earth to be made over in the image of God, to grow and expand and love with abandon in hopes that we experience some small measure of what it is to love as God loves and then to exist some way after life. Does the plan have to be more complicated than that? Do people really have to die for a purpose? Or get cancer for a purpose? Lose a child for a purpose, lose a job? Have depression for a purpose or eating disorders or go through divorce, experience betrayal, or is that just the nature of this world? Does God force us into bad situations? Does God cause suffering or is suffering something we can just use to learn and grow from? You’re gonna walk through hell so you might as well not come out empty-handed, but did God put us in that hell or did the hell just happen? Are those just things we can turn into good? I don’t believe that there’s some evil force keeping good at bay. For me, there is no devil, no Satan. I believe it’s just the nature of the Universe. The reality of the mortal world that we live in. Evil, pain, or suffering is a natural outcome of living in a human body with overwhelming emotions and poor decision-making and erratic behavior, coupled with chance.
I believe this because it’s so painful when God seemingly doesn’t show up. It causes disbelief, pain, suffering, anger, disconnection. If God picks and chooses when to intervene whether or not that’s with a grand scheme of things or not, it just shows up as plain old favoritism in my book. I don’t believe God plays favorites. God loves us all equally. But is God something that made us and then left us alone? An absent God doesn’t make sense because there are things that happened in my life that can seemingly only be God. So, how do we reconcile God not showing up for us? Can there be a world where the bad things just happen, but good things ARE orchestrated?
I go around and around and around in circles, many times ending with fewer answers then when I started.
When I grew up, my family treated stake conference as a free Sunday in our pajamas, but my husband’s family never missed a stake conference. So, of course my family went to our last stake conference and found out that Elder Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles was presiding at the meeting. We arrived 10 minutes early (or 10 minutes late according to my husband) and found some seats near the back of the overflow chapel. Two hours of sitting with no breaks is tough on little bladders, so I ushered my two youngest children to the restroom before the meeting began. I was standing in the hallway waiting for my children when a group of men approached. It was Elder Christofferson accompanied by my stake president and several other men. We locked eyes and Elder Christofferson smiled at me. He shook my hand and then proceeded into the Chapel. I returned to my seat with my kids in tow and survived the stake conference.
A few days later, I got a text asking if I would be willing to meet with the stake president and my heart immediately sank. I’ve had several meetings with leadership over the course of my faith transition. A few have turned out well, but most of them have left me feeling alienated and misunderstood. I’ve been disciplined for things I’ve shared at the pulpit; I’ve been told I was in a “fallen state”; I’ve had my worthiness questioned; I’ve been stripped of my temple recommend. I assumed that the only reason my stake president wanted to meet with me was a bad one. Had someone said something to him about comments that I’ve made in church classes? Was he wondering why I skipped out on most of my Relief Society meetings? Did he want to have a discussion about my lack of a temple recommend? Eventually, after knowing that my husband would come to the meeting with me, I agreed to the meeting.
That Sunday, my husband and I went to the stake president’s office. He smiled warmly, shook our hands and invited us inside. As I sat down, I took a deep breath and anticipated the worst. I crossed my arms and legs, leaned back and waited to be disappointed. He said, “This may sound silly, but I needed to let you know that when Elder Christofferson shook your hand, the spirit touched my heart.” He said in that moment the spirit let him know that there was a reason that I was in the hallway to shake Elder Christofferson’s hand. “It was a divine meeting,” my president said, “more than chance.” He wanted to let me know that God is aware of me, that my family is right where we need to be and that he is thankful that we are in the stake. With that, he stood, shook our hands and we were out the door.
I don’t keep a journal, per se, just a notebook for doodles and random thoughts during Sunday classes. After this meeting, I grabbed my notebook and wrote down what happened. I rarely feel the need to record large entries or even complete thoughts, but I needed help processing what I was feeling.
What a swirl of feelings I have. Hearing something like this would have previously brought up so many different feelings that the ones I’m having now. I don’t often “feel the spirit” or have a “burning in my bosom” like I do now. Before, I would have felt chosen by God. But, I can't decipher or truly decide how I feel right now. It’s all so different than it used to be. I don’t think that way anymore. I guess for this to touch me in a spiritual way is for me to admit that there is a possibility that leadership is in touch with the spirit about me (and other people) as much as I am about myself. I tend to fall in a cynical camp that every leader is corrupt and has an agenda. No leader has genuine feelings for me. I feel sad that I’m that jaded. It hurts me to admit that. Also, it just brings up questions and thoughts about how much God is involved in our day to day lives. I have a hard time believing that God would use a little girl’s bladder to orchestrate a meeting that needed to happen.
Perhaps God didn’t really orchestrate me being out in the hallway. I don’t know. I don’t think so? But perhaps God touched a man’s heart. Maybe President G. had his heart open to God’s presence and felt God speak to his heart to let him know that I feel alone. I constantly feel nervous about how I am perceived, that I want to belong in this community, but I frequently don’t. He took a hold of that opportunity to help me feel community. I’m so cynical. Why can’t that happen? Why can’t President G. have an earnest desire to help the members of the stake feel loved and seen? A desire that God helped him fulfill? I guess it’s just cracking my heart open in a different way than it has in a while. Even if none of that experience is “real” or it “didn’t happen” if it connects me to God, if it helps me build community, how much does it matter? In a grand way, I say I believe that God is present and working. But I guess on an individual level I don't know how much I believe God is intervening in our lives by directing other people. I’ve just gotten to a place where I no longer believe that. I believe that God puts things in our hands and “stands back” hoping that we will take care of each other.
Let’s say I don’t believe God orchestrated that meeting in the hallway with Elder Christofferson. Is that the end of it? Case closed? Then why did I feel connected to God? Can I decide to believe that somehow in that moment, God found a way to help me belong? Are there circumstances that maybe aren’t really set up because they’re supposed to be, but God is still there? I do believe that God‘s spirit can touch our hearts and our minds to help us know how to become the best version of ourselves. I don’t know how my stake president knew that I felt alone and that I needed to hear that I belonged. Maybe he’d been having meetings with the various bishops to talk about “wayward” members of the stake. Maybe he heard from some other ward members? Maybe he told everybody that happened to shake hands with Elder Christofferson that day the exact same thing. I’ll never know. My question now is, does the origin really matter? Or does it only matter that at that moment I felt seen?
Is it possible that God doesn’t orchestrate, but works with chance? Does God see us tiny humans running around in the universe and think “Aha! This is a moment that I can use right now. Let’s see if they will pay attention.”
It reminds me of a scene in my favorite TV show, “The Good Place.” We won’t go into a full synopsis here, but what you need to know about this scene is that four humans are trying to figure out what a demon wants them to do. The demon, Michael, has had a change of heart and is actually trying to save them. The humans retrace Michael’s steps, analyze everything he has said to them and eventually make a plan with the clues they THINK he left them. Their plan works and the humans and Michael are reunited:
Chidi (human): “We got all four clues you left us.”
Michael: “ Oh that's great. I mean, I actually left you more than 1,200 clues because of how primitive your brains are, but I’m so glad you got enough to figure it out.
Could God always be leaving clues, but our primitive brains only occasionally grasp 4 clues out of 1,200? Maybe God is always available to intervene in ways that we don’t understand and all we have to do is just open our “eyes” to it? Maybe God‘s energy, God’s will, God’s love, God’s magic, whatever you want to call it, is not only existing, but working all the time. God tells us that we are all divine; we have divinity within ourselves. We are that same energy. Perhaps our souls are looking to always connect with one another on that divine infinitesimal level. Maybe God doesn’t ever really “tell” us things, but perhaps we just encounter God’s energy and somehow translate that into whatever is needed in that moment? God planted that divinity in us and expects us to do the rest. We can be God in those situations. I do believe that God’s spirit can touch our hearts and our minds to help us know how to become the best version of ourselves. God put us here knowing that we have the capability to be refined, to gain empathy, compassion and love. All we have to do is get out of our own way, connect with God and we can know what to do.
The question is can we make meaning out of something that is seemingly innocuous? Even if things in my life are a complete chance, can I still feel God in that encounter? Does it have to be fate, kismet, destiny, karma or God’s plan? Can circumstances just happen? Circumstances that are not at all fake, but not quite destiny? Can we still glimpse God in those moments?
Is it delusional to believe God doesn’t orchestrate, but seizes opportunities? I don’t think so.
What’s the downside to believing that?
I don’t think there is any downside.
What’s the benefit of doing so?
Hope.
Hope is the benefit.
How do we cultivate that hope? That's what truly I’m interested in because the alternative is crumbling and dying from grief over the fact that God didn’t show up. But I can’t crumble because I have experienced miracles. God has shown up. So I try to find meaning in the meaningless and I have hope.
Hope has helped me believe that God has to be standing back, watching, rooting for us, loving us all.
Do things really have to be orchestrated by God to be meaningful or is there some middle ground where I decide to make meaning out of chance? Does it really have to be all or nothing? I’ve come to think that almost nothing in life is black and white, but that we live in shades of gray.
So why would this be any different?
Blakelee Ellis
The ALSSI community keeps growing, thanks to your support. Please keep spreading the word! Be sure to check out our chat feature—it’s another benefit of your paid subscription. If you have something to say, send us a voicemail, start a thread…or send us a piece for a future Say More!
“I believe that God puts things in our hands and “stands back” hoping that we will take care of each other.”
Blakelee —
I will be the first to say that I was excited to see you address this subject again. This sentence from your account hit home hard as I have often debated many of your same questions deep inside myself over my lifetime. I have always believed in prayer as it comforts me. But recognize that not all prayers are the same and not all end up resulting in anything. I have tried to live my life knowing that I can be an answer to someone else’s needs… and with a prayer in my heart that I will be “aware enough” to notice when I can help.
My daughter gave us a Storyworth subscription, and my wife (who is a dedicated journal writer) has been after me to document some of the good and bad things that I have experienced in the Church. I don’t journal, but in the past I have, on occasion, sat down and wrote a short word document on an experience. I would save it to a flash drive. I have several drives accumulated over the years along with art I have seen or sold. I’ve gone through all six of those flash drives this past month, saving and printing out these stories. I didn’t realize how many there are. Here is one that fits well with your account and sentiments today:
A couple of weeks ago, as I was getting in my truck to head to the office, the thought occurred to me to stop at the ATM for some cash on my way. I looked in my wallet, saw $120 and thought, no, I don’t need to. I stopped anyway at the drive-through ATM and withdrew $200. I don’t go out often for lunch. Preferring to eat a bagel or something simple while continuing to work. But I learned some time ago that it is helpful to me to get away from the phone and my office once a week for an hour. I have been trying to do that. That same day, I looked at my watch, and realized I was hungry. It was past two o’clock and I thought I would just skip lunch. And besides, I had gone out the day before to a local restaurant that I visit monthly and often with my family. I decided to take a break, and I found myself going back to that same restaurant. I was greeted at the door with a “back so soon” smile by the hostess. My waitress was a young lady that I had met previously on a couple of visits. Something was off with her; she was just not herself. As I was finishing my meal and she brought me a diet coke refill, I asked her if everything was ok? She told me it was her birthday and that was hard for her. Rather than joking about it, I said “want to talk about it?” She started to tear up, and I pointed to the chair opposite me. She told me that she hadn’t talked with her mother in three years. She was nearing graduation from USU, and she was mad at herself that her birthday was bringing up these hard feelings about her mother. She shared a couple more details about what had happened including that her mom lived in Arizona. I tried to cheer her up. She stood and left and then came back with the check. As I dropped the receipt into my wallet, I saw the cash. I pulled it all out, wrote on the credit card receipt, “Go see your Mom. Happy Birthday!” and left all the cash and walked out.
Today I went back to this restaurant, not even thinking about my previous visit. The same hostess greeted me and gave me a hug. What was that about I thought while she sat me at a table? The same waitress from a couple of weeks ago came to the table and motioned me to stand up. She hugged me and said, “I went to AZ and saw my mom, and it was wonderful. She was so surprised and happy to see me. Thank you so much for the push. I couldn’t have done it without your help.” We both shared a few tears, and I had a great lunch. At one point the owner of the restaurant came out. He said that his entire staff knew what had happened. He wanted to personally thank me. And then he quipped, “when she asked for the time-off to go, my first reaction was not on such short notice. But when she told me about what you had done, how could I say no?”
Why did I go to the ATM that morning? Why did I return to the same restaurant two days in a row? Why did I get seated with that particular waitress? And why did she confide in me the sorrow she was feeling? I don’t know how all this happens, but every so often I realize that I should always be on the lookout to be the answer to someone else’s needs.
Thanks for sharing your walk through these complex thoughts. Though it’s not a main focus here, I too have come to believe less in a real Satan, a person actively trying to draw us into evil. I think mortal life is difficult and people have inherent goodness in them. Our doctrine teaches that we all have divinity inside! And I feel like your take on God here, as one who seizes opportunities or leaves 1,200 clues for us to discover 4 is a beautiful, resonant image of God.