Say More: At Last She Writes It

No. 25 | October 2024

I am….but…

by S. Parker

One interesting thing about being from Utah is that Utah

is notorious for Mormonism. Inevitably when I meet someone new, I always get some variation of the question: “So, you’re from Utah. Does that mean you are Mormon?” Many members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (which I will now just call The Church) may be excited, if also nervous, about the potential missionary moment. And, truthfully, I remember times in high school when I would travel and meet people my same age, and I would be excited to tell my new friends that Mormons don’t have horns and no longer practice polygamy so that they could see, like I did then, how good The Church is.

A few decades and a few years into a faith transition later, I was recently asked the same question by a colleague who is not from Utah. Honestly, my initial instinct was to lie. It felt too complicated to say “yes.” But, when I opened my mouth, “Yes” was all that came out. The woman who asked me, smiled politely and nodded. I was expecting follow-up questions but none came.

What did come were a lot of follow-up thoughts.

Yes, but it’s complicated.

Yes, but please don’t judge me by that.

Yes, but I’m not sure it means what you think.

Yes, but I’m not sure it means what I think. Not anymore.

Yes, but I really want you to think of me as a follower of Jesus Christ.

Yes, but all I really “know” anymore is that God is love and love is what everything else should be seen through.

Yes, but I’m trying to look expansively at my faith and incorporate traditions and ideas from other faiths that bring me closer to my Heavenly Parents.