Say More: At Last She Writes It
No. 22 | August 2024
I am, AND
by Sarah Hale
Navigating Faith Struggles and Building Marriage Resilience
by Melinda
Truth-telling can be hard for a Jehovah’s Witness
woman, even though we value honesty. It is hard to say out loud some of what we are thinking, feeling or experiencing. At the Kingdom Hall or even in our families and close relationships we self-censor with an “okayness” filter: Is it upbuilding? Is it faith-promoting? Too negative? Would it be a bad witness? Will it cause divisions in the congregation? Will I stumble someone?
My purpose in recording my story comes from the intense loneliness I felt during the first months and years when my husband expressed doubts and then left our religion. I know there are other couples going through this and thinking, with whom can I talk about this? In 2015, I didn’t know anyone who had ever said, “My husband has left because he no longer thinks it is the Truth.” I did know people who said, “My husband isn’t at the meetings because he is sick or depressed;” or that “He is caught up in providing financially for the family;” or that “He has stumbled.” But not that he didn’t believe.
Poor us, when this first happened! Neither of us knew what was going on, what was the best thing to do or what to expect. And I want to support couples where there is a shift in belief. It is like walking a tightrope … it was terrifying and exhausting. It felt like I spent all my time defending my religion to my husband and my husband to my religion.
So let’s stop not talking about it. Let’s admit this happens—that it is happening all the time—and share our stories.
I don’t want to call people out. I just want to tell you a bit of my story and maybe that will help it be okay for you and allow you to move forward.
About me—I grew up in Coffs Harbour, Australia. My parents and 3 of my grandparents were Jehovah’s Witnesses. I got baptized at almost 14 years old, I pioneered when I left school. I met my husband in Canberra, Australia. We got married a year and one week after we started going out, and married at the ripe old age of 19 (him) and 20 (me).
My husband was a pioneer for 17 years, a Ministerial Servant in his early 20’s, and Elder before he was 30. He truly was an “all-in JW.” In most things, he was much more black and white than I and very much followed organizational direction.
Then after we had been married for 26 years, something came up that changed everything. My husband had suffered on and off from depression and mental health issues all during our marriage and it seemed like he was dipping into a really deep depression again. He wasn’t finding any joy in his service. I couldn’t even get him to smile for a photo at our Circuit Assembly.
Still, I could tell something was bothering him and finally, after months of stewing, I convinced him to go for a walk and talk to me.
My timeline might be off after all these years but two “spiritual” things from around this time stand out to me. After we watched the video on the “overlapping generations” he literally jumped out of his seat saying that the explanation didn’t make any sense. Another time the Assembly speaker said something to the effect that “people in the world don’t know how to love” and he made the point of saying “That isn’t true.”
It was also around this time that the Australian government established The Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse and Jehovah’s Witnesses were called to appear. I was not interested in following this but my husband felt it was his duty as an Elder to do so. Reading the transcripts did not immediately rock his faith (he initially told me it was faith strengthening) but over time, as he sat with the information, it bothered him more and more. Anyhow, he soldiered on with his assignments and I didn’t consciously link any spiritual doubts with his depression.
I knew he had a problem with the new light on the Generations and I tried to get him to discuss it in a casual setting with close friends but he was angry with me for bringing it up and uncomfortable discussing it in any situation. My husband had doubled down with study and prayer and did all the things we are told will fix any doubts.
Still, I could tell something was bothering him and finally, after months of stewing, I convinced him to go for a walk and talk to me. What he said seemed like crazy talk to me! The conversation is still a blur but the standouts were about the Bible and Jehovah. He talked about how ambiguous the Bible seemed to him now and surely there was a better way for a loving God to give clear direction and maybe the Bible wasn’t inspired. To say I was devastated doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. The way his words affected me was visceral. Emotion swept my body; I felt like someone I loved had just been given a death sentence. However, we managed to talk and I tried to tell him that so long as he could hang on to a few key beliefs, he would be able to build himself back up again.
I was firm that I was not changing my beliefs and would remain faithful to my dedication. This seemed to blindside him. He kept telling me he didn’t want to change anything about our life. Why was I reacting like he was going to leave the Truth? He, too, had no intention of leaving the Truth. He cried and told me that he was scared to share this with me because he thought I would leave him. In the moment I was able to respond with one hundred percent certainty that I would not leave him; my marriage vow was as serious to me as my dedication/baptism vow. It was clear to me how much pain he was in and I wanted to comfort and reassure him of my love. I had no idea how much my resolve to work through his pain and keep our marriage strong would test me over the next few years.
That night we read the Bible and prayed and talked together and I went to sleep feeling like we were walking away from a precipice. I was shaken, he was shaken, and there was no one we could talk to about what we were going through. You don’t talk about this level of faith crisis when you are going through it; you fix it and move on, and then you can share it as a faith-strengthening experience to build others up.
And then I would look at my husband, whom I loved, in so much pain and turmoil and I would try and fix him.
So my Elder husband continued to fulfill his duties in the Congregation. I would hear him speak from the platform and I would breath a sigh of relief and think, he has sorted everything out. Then we would go home and he would bring up all his doubts again.
We read the Bible and studied WT articles but he just had more and more questions. I was horrified at his questions. Why did he want to read the Bible without reference to Watch Tower publications? Why was he asking these things after all these years? Why did they matter to him when our life as JWs had made “us” so happy? I felt very resentful that he had gotten into this terrible state of questioning without sharing his thoughts with me. That made me so angry!
He tried to explain that he just wanted to resolve his doubts on his own. Initially, he didn’t want to share them with me because, as the head of the house, he was responsible for keeping things up-building. He wanted to resolve his questions quietly, keep me safe and come back stronger than ever. He was following the instructions from the WatchTower Society, prayer, Bible reading, study, meetings, field service and good association, so how could it fail to work? It was only when he was desperate that he shared with me where he was at. And that felt too late to me!
I wanted my husband to talk to our Elder friends and get the help I could not provide. I knew they would pray with him and spend time with him answering his questions in a way I was unable to do. I couldn’t talk to them on his behalf—he had to be ready to share—but I kept encouraging him over several months.
Although he assured me he was only reading faithful sources, on occasion his negative thinking and questions sounded “Apostate” to me. By Apostate, I mean he sounded negative and angry about the organization and he said things that made me feel uncomfortable. They were not necessarily bad things and if he’d said them before I knew he had problems with belief, or in connection with another religion, they wouldn’t have bothered me at all. It was just the harsh way he was turning the mirror back on our religion that felt wrong.
For example, it had started to bother him that Governing Body member Jeffrey Jackson gave answers before the Australian Royal Commission that sounded like they had been prepared by a lawyer rather than answers inspired by the Holy Spirit.
I would say, of course, the Brothers get legal advice, that is practical, and Ben would say, that is not what the Bible says to do and read John 14:26, “But the helper, the holy spirit, which the Father will send in my name, that one will teach you all things and bring back to your minds all the things I told you,” and Mark 13:10, “As for you, look out for yourselves. People will hand you over to local courts, and you will be beaten in synagogues and be put on the stand before governors and kings for my sake, for a witness to them. Also, in all the nations, the good news has to be preached first. And when they are taking you to hand you over, do not be anxious beforehand about what to say; but whatever is given you in that hour, say this, for you are not the ones speaking, but the holy spirit is.”
Sometimes my stomach would just drop and I would think, I can’t do this, I just want to run away. And then I would look at my husband, whom I loved, in so much pain and turmoil and I would try and fix him.
I also recognized that there was a lot at stake for me, too. His doubts could threaten our whole life, our friends and our community. He seemed so fragile, mentally and emotionally, it seemed like a bad time to be trying to answer these doubts. I wished he could just put them aside, regain his equilibrium and look at them later. At the time, I didn’t understand that these questions could never be addressed without taking a huge mental and emotional toll and impacting every aspect of his life.
He started to have days where he couldn’t get out of bed. He was in tears. I feared for his sanity. He was getting manic about his doubts, he couldn’t keep his thoughts to himself, so he finally had to tell his fellow Elders what he was going through. And that made me feel so much better. I knew these loving Brothers would “fix” him!
His initial talk with the Elders was good for both of us. They were loving and kind to him. The said everyone has doubts and we should acknowledge that more often. The Circuit Overseer visit was coming up the next week and that would give him another opportunity to talk. But the CO visit wasn’t good; things went downhill fast and during the visit Ben stood down as an Elder. He felt he had been given a couple of opportunities to discuss his doubts and questions and then he was told to be quiet about them. And being quiet about them was not something he could do in his current mental state.
From the moment he stood down as an Elder, he only attended a few more meetings and it felt to me like all my support dropped away too. It was awful!
Although my husband never stopped me from going to the meetings, he wanted to discuss things with which he had a problem; however, I did not want to talk to him. When we tried to talk we had terrible arguments.
I knew we needed to do something, so I booked my husband in to see a psychiatrist because I wanted him to be mentally well before he made decisions that affected both our futures. And I took 5 weeks off work so that we could spend time together working things out.
It was almost a competition between us: “Who is in the most pain? The answer had to be “ME!”.
The 5 weeks together were miserable. We didn’t solve anything. We either ignored the elephant in the room or we argued. We actually yelled at each other, something we had never done before. We felt very far apart from each other emotionally and physically.
Going to the psychiatrist wasn’t much help either. He did diagnose my husband as suffering from bipolar disorder, a thing we had long suspected, but he was adamant that it wasn’t having any effect on my husband’s thinking concerning our religion. I disagreed, I felt the way my husband was obsessing about religion could only be described as manic but we weren’t getting help from anywhere.
I was so desperate that during our 5-week trip, I booked us in to see a psychologist through my work’s employee assistance program, and with the help of a trained counsellor we had some worthwhile communication. I had a glimmer of hope that we could sort this out.
At this stage I had spent months reading everything I could in the Watchtower library. We had already tried prayer, Bible reading, study, meetings, field service and good association as a couple and that hadn’t worked. I didn’t feel the WT library was giving me the practical help I needed. It made me feel confused because, on one hand, if I applied the advice for dealing with conflict, I should be listening to my husband voice his concerns, communicating with him and showing love and empathy. However, if I applied the advice on associating with someone who was spiritually weak, I wouldn’t be talking with him about anything that mattered.
In fact, for the seriousness of the situation, it felt like something we, as an organization, weren’t addressing at all. I couldn’t find any examples where one spouse had doubts and felt the right thing for them to do was no longer be one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, but they still loved their spouse and wanted their marriage to work.
The few examples I did find weren’t encouraging at all; they were all examples where a husband stopped serving Jehovah and left his wife (subtext—committed adultery). There were no examples of my story: a happy marriage, deep love between a husband and wife even after a quarter of a century together, a good man with genuine questions and Elders and Circuit Overseers who couldn’t answer them. Elders told him, “Everyone has doubts,” that he was “thinking too deeply,” “too black and white,” and that he should just put his doubts to the side and wait on Jehovah. But he couldn’t! He just doesn’t have a brain or personality that can do that. He was taught to stand up for truth; to ask people to question their beliefs and examine them honestly and to act on what they conclude.
I did find a secular book that gave me hope. It is called, In Faith and Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families. This book properly addressed the conflict we were in and it also gave me hope that we could find a way through this terrible situation as a couple.
Reading this, it sounds as if I had such deep empathy for what he was going through, but I didn’t. I was so angry at him! To me, it felt as if he was ruining my life. He wasn’t keeping to the life we had agreed on. We were either heatedly arguing or in a cold truce, and we were both deeply unhappy.
It was almost a competition between us: “Who is in the most pain? The answer had to be “ME!”. After all, from my point of view, I was the innocent party! All of this was happening to me and I didn’t deserve it. I followed the plan and it wasn’t working out. That was shocking because I always taught people that if they followed the teachings of the Bible, they would have a happy life … things would work out. My happy life and my happy marriage were proof positive that it worked. And if you are not happy, you are not doing it right.
I couldn’t comprehend that my husband could be in more pain than I was—after all, he ‘chose’ this, and he knew what the consequences would be. He knew that JWs only associate with other JWs. He knew that if he had questions about the Governing Body, that was a line he couldn’t cross without consequences. So if he was deciding to do these things then he shouldn’t be surprised or hurt by the reaction of our community or friends. It served him right for making these terrible decisions! Didn’t it?
On the other hand, our situation did make me think about people I had studied the Bible with and it caused conflict in their family life. My advice to them was not to separate or divorce but to be more loving and kind. To win their spouse over by their loving actions. To show that being a true Christian made you a better person, a better wife, a better friend. And to assure their spouse that they still loved them and that their marriage could work despite differences in religious beliefs. Surely I should be able to apply that advice to my situation.
I also thought about the deeply religious people whose doors I had knocked on. How could they hear the message I had to share when in their opinion, I was deeply misguided? I was being told not to discuss my religious beliefs with my husband because if I did, his reasoning would influence me. Surely that is what the people at the doors thought, too. How can witnessing from door to door ever be effective in reaching hearts if the people behind the doors listen to those they love and trust, and don’t listen to us?
I had so many thoughts and didn’t feel as though I had anyone to talk things through with. One kind Elder did listen to me talk, but he was not able to give me any help or advice, or answer any of my questions. I also had a couple of shepherding calls where the Elders barely touched on ‘the Elephant in the room,’ but were kind and acknowledged that things must be hard for me.
I ran out of the room and went home but I couldn’t utter those words, and I certainly couldn’t tell my husband.
Then I had a disastrous Shepherding visit from the Circuit Overseer. This is hard for me to say, but I am truly sorry I ever agreed to have that visit. When I look back on it now, I feel the visit was not about helping me but a fishing expedition to get dirt on my husband.
Side point that might be of interest to you ladies: One of the things discussed was, “Is everything JWs teach Bible-based or do we have some traditions?” My perspective was that we have some traditions. The Circuit Overseer categorically denied that and asked me to provide an example of a tradition. I pointed out that our attire for worship at the Kingdom Hall and for field service is business attire. Since the 1970’s business attire for women has included tailored pants, but women in the congregation can’t wear pants. He told me there wasn’t a rule against Sisters wearing pants. Interesting in light of the Governing Body 2024 Update Number 2 where women were given permission by the GB to wear pants at the Kingdom Hall and in Service. It would appear that prior to this, there was indeed a tradition/rule that women couldn’t wear pants. So why couldn’t the CO just be honest about that?
Anyhow, back to my story. A couple of weeks after my awful meeting with the CO, I was at the midweek meeting. I gave a student talk and then as soon I returned to my front-row seat, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was an Elder asking to speak to me during the meeting. An Elder walked with me from the front of the hall to the back room DURING THE MEETING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!! Once I was in the back room, I was told the next talk was going to be a marking talk about my husband. I couldn’t believe how unkind the Elders were being. At the Shepherding visit I had from the CO, I asked for the Elders to be kind to my husband, to show an interest in him, and following that one of the Elders telephoned my husband and had a chat with him. Now the result was a marking talk! I had told the CO we needed help and support and as a result of asking for help, they were taking away the help and support of the few friends who still cared enough to stay in touch with me. To say I was devastated and felt they were punishing me—and not my husband—was an understatement.
The marking talk was another nightmare to navigate on my own without the support of the Elders. After they gave the talk, they didn’t help me at all. Was I meant to go home from the meeting and tell my husband that they marked him? If family or friends came by our house was I supposed to tell them to go away because my husband was marked? How was I meant to navigate my life? Radio silence from my spiritual shepherds.
Trying to keep going, to work and pretend my life wasn’t falling apart was a struggle. I developed shingles, I lost weight. Life was full of trepidation, just waiting for the axe to fall.
Some time around this period my husband told me that he wanted to be able to tell his story. No one among his family or friends wanted to hear what he was going through and struggling with, or why he was making these decisions. I said, “No.” I did not support him doing a video telling his story, and I did not want him to do it or have anything to do with it. We didn’t talk about it again.
On his own initiative, my husband went ahead and did a YouTube video interview that told his life story as a Jehovah’s Witness, and why he decided to step away. I didn’t know about it.
Weeks went by and my husband phoned me at work to tell me he was being called to a Judicial Committee. I knew he would be disfellowshipped. You can’t say, “This isn’t The Truth” without consequences. You leave quietly if you want to go without being disfellowshipped and my husband was not being quiet enough—he had appeared on YouTube and told his life story. So there I was in a professional setting with this devastating news, feeling faint and wanting to vomit, tears streaming down my face. How do you explain to your work colleagues that your whole community is officially going to start shunning your husband and you have to be okay with it? That your husband is “dead” to family and friends? You have to be okay and also get on with your life like nothing has happened. Impossible!
If I thought life couldn’t get any worse, I was wrong. I truly wanted to die. I knew I couldn’t end things because I had an elderly mother and a disabled relative in my care, but I fantasized about it all the time and decided that once my mother passed away, I would do it. I told the Elders how I felt and I got nothing; radio silence again. They couldn’t help me—or didn’t want to help me—or didn’t care at all.
The Judicial Committee spoke to my husband, but excluded me. The power they held over our lives loomed so large. My husband couldn’t cope with the anxiety of receiving calls or texts on his phone. He is a small business owner, so he couldn’t turn his phone off. To try and manage the unbearable levels of stress, he let the Committee know they should contact him by email or letter and then blocked their numbers. He wasn’t being difficult (although I’m sure that is how the Elders perceived his request), he just truly couldn’t cope. We were in a weird situation where our whole life was falling apart, we couldn’t talk about it with anyone, and had to go to work and act normal. If you told anyone who wasn’t a JW, they would think the situation was insane.
My husband decided not to attend the Judicial Hearing. He had stopped going to meetings, or out in field service, in April 2016. It was now October 2018 and he felt there was enough distance from having been an active JW and the Elders had no jurisdiction. Also, he told me they refused to let him know who his accusers were, or put in writing what the charges were. He was also told he couldn’t call any witnesses to defend himself.
The fateful evening came and went. Days went by, neither of us heard anything, and I breathed a sigh of relief that they had lovingly decided to leave us alone and make my life more manageable by not disfellowshipping my husband. I was wrong.
Hearing what my husband had to say didn’t kill me, it set me on my own journey and despite my fears that we would grow apart, in the end we grew closer.
Over a week later, I was once again called into the back room by an Elder I hardly knew. There were other Elders there but my recollection of what was said and what happened is a blur. I don’t know exactly what happened—I remember being told they had disfellowshipped my husband, and I responded that he didn’t know that. I was hysterically upset and barely knew what I was doing. I ran out of the room and went home but I couldn’t utter those words, and I certainly couldn’t tell my husband. It wasn’t my responsibility to tell him he had been disfellowshipped. I didn’t sleep at all that night, and once again I was in complete turmoil but having to pretend all was okay. I could barely function and my work was suffering but I had to keep going. I went through the next few days like a zombie.
At the meeting on Sunday, not one Elder came up to me. After the meeting, I stayed for the meeting for field service, as usual. No one else was there except the Elder taking the group. He is a kind brother and must have asked me a question that opened the floodgates. I started another hysterical conversation, and he called in a couple of other Elders. Two things stand out to me from that time: The first is that their actions meant I no longer had any friends. The interaction went like this:
Elders: “Of course you still have friends.”
Me: “No, friends spend time together. No one is ever going to come to my house again. I’m not going to be invited to anyone’s home again.”
Elders: “We will invite you to our homes.”
Me: “But only me, not my husband. So you think it is okay to work all week, come home on Friday night, get changed, go out and leave my husband at home alone. Do you think I can do that and have a successful marriage?”
Two of the Elders stuck to their guns that it wouldn’t be a problem, but one of them admitted I wouldn’t have friends (in the same way) anymore. I respected that he said that and acknowledged my truth.
One of the hardest things I have experienced on this journey is the total lack of acknowledgment from the Elders that the decisions they were making hugely—and negatively—impacted my life. Also the total lack of information, help, empathy or guidance to practically navigate this.
The second thing I remember saying is that my husband still doesn’t know he is being disfellowshipped and it wasn’t my job to tell him.
Then they let me go in field service by myself, sobbing and crying, because no one else was going out. I imagine they were relieved to see me go because they certainly didn’t know what to do with me.
That afternoon, two Elders walked into our backyard and told my husband he was disfellowshipped. When I got home we had a huge fight and I’m pretty sure I said some hateful things to him about how his actions were ruining my life. We weren’t there for each other, we didn’t support each other, we were both too wounded and hurting for that.
The next Wednesday night, they announced it and I was there to hear it. I remember audible gasps. I walked out before the last part of the prayer and went home. I couldn’t be there to talk to anyone and nobody wanted to talk to me. Already most of my friends had abandoned me, too embarrassed and uncomfortable to be around me.
I was sleepwalking through life. The ways I had found to cope over the last couple of years were completely lost to me and I had to find a new way forward. Thankfully, my workplace was giving me a lot of support and I was able to receive counseling through the Employee Assistance Program. That support kept me alive!
We were also coming up to our 30th wedding anniversary. For years we had been planning and saving for a long trip to Europe. It was the one thing we could usually talk about without fighting, and it was something to look forward to. The planning was bittersweet because I needed to work out where the meetings would be and how to get there on my own. Also, we wouldn’t be visiting friends who were located overseas (a thing we had previously planned to do).
During this time we would go along for periods where things were okay—not happy, just okay—and then something would trigger an argument and it would feel too hard to keep going, like our relationship was doomed. Life was an awful roller coaster!
We did make it to our overseas holiday at the beginning of 2019. It turned out to be a great thing for our relationship, to be completely out of our routine and away from the pressure of family and the congregation. I did make it to meetings while we were overseas but the experience of going to the meetings on my own rather than with my Elder husband was startlingly different. Previously it was a wonderful, welcoming experience that affirmed the feeling of an international brotherhood. On my own, there was none of that. I walked in, attended the meeting, had one or two people whom I sat near say hello, and that was it; no invitations, no follow-up. I also couldn’t spend any time at the witnessing carts as I was with Ben, and he was disfellowshipped.
Toward the end of the holiday, I was feeling sad the truce we had, and the respite we were experiencing, was going to disappear once we got home. This led to a discussion, which led to an argument, where my husband said something that has taken me a long time to process. He said, “If two people grew up and got married in the Ku Klux Klan and then one of them came to understand how evil the KKK was and left that belief system, but their spouse was still a believer, their relationship could still work.” That knocked me sideways. What an analogy! If that was how my husband viewed my belief system there was no hope for us. I did not agree with the premise, to me the KKK relationship was doomed. There is no way any marriage could survive such a shift in thinking. My husband assured me I misunderstood what he was trying to say but I couldn’t forget his words and it put a different lens on every argument we had after that. Toward the end of 2019, I seriously considered divorce. I felt like we needed to go to marriage counseling to sort out some of our issues or we wouldn’t make it. So I reached out to Relationships Australia and we started counseling in 2020.
We needed marriage counseling. In the 25+ years we were together, I thought we had excellent communication skills. I didn’t see that we just didn’t have many challenging things to discuss and when we did, they were settled by not talking about them, but ignoring them and squashing them down. I comforted myself with the thought that I was being Christlike when I didn’t have difficult conversations. What a good, submissive Christian wife I was!
Marriage counseling was hard! Our counsellor was excellent and it was a safe place to have painful conversations. It was at marriage counseling that we first started to understand and empathize with our different points of view. One of the most helpful techniques we used was called ‘Mirroring.’*
Along the way, I found some other sisters who were having similar experiences.
I found some good mixed-faith marriage podcasts.
And I truly resonate with a quote read during one the JW Broadcasts: “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.” My husband and I both needed to be heard to feel loved.
As it says in Corinthians, “Love is patient and kind…It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”
And Jesus said that love would be the identifying mark of true Christianity.
As I write this, it is over 8 years since our first conversation about my husband’s doubts, and 3 years since we finished marriage counseling.
Hearing what my husband had to say didn’t kill me, it set me on my own journey and despite my fears that we would grow apart, in the end we grew closer.
In the words of Ben Platt
You don’t ever have to leave
If to change is what you need
You can change right next to me
When you’re high, I’ll take the lows
You can ebb and I can flow
And we’ll take it slow
And grow as we go.
*Mirroring is a technique that can be helpful if two people feel they don’t communicate effectively. If you’re constantly feeling like your partner doesn’t hear what you’re saying, mirroring might be something for you to try. Mirroring’s “take-turn” approach has one person speaking at a time. When it’s the first speaker’s turn, they’ll express what they’re feeling and explain why. The listener will respond with, “So, what I heard you say was…” If the listener understood everything the speaker said, they’ll ask the speaker to “Tell me more.” At this point, the speaker can make their next point, and this back-and-forth continues until the speaker feels they’ve exhausted everything they need to say. Mirroring works and is effective because it has an actual effect on the brain, which relaxes when it feels heard.
Layers
by Christine
Looking for Peace
by Carol G
A little over two years ago, I experienced a severe
faith crisis. Now this wasn’t anything new; I have struggled with faith crisis my whole life. Even as a child, I was plagued with cognitive dissonance, but in the fall of 2022, my proverbial shelf broke. It was something somewhat minor which broke my shelf, but just as all the King’s men could not put Humpty Dumpty together again, I could not put myself back together again. I lost all balance in my faith life and felt myself reeling out of control. At first, I returned to the Twelve Steps of AA, but their insistence on a belief in a Higher Power made that path difficult. Though it seems contradictory, I realized I needed a spiritual practice that wasn’t based on a belief in a creator God. It occurred to me that Buddhism was exactly that.
I am not actually sure when I was first drawn to the study of Buddhism. I suppose it was when I was in high school. Though I didn’t bother to go to school very much, I read with a voracious appetite at home. If I found an author I liked, I would read every book I could find written by that author. Herman Hesse was one of those authors. His books often pointed toward an Eastern philosophy which I found enticing. Then in college, I took an Eastern Religions class. I wish I could say that I immediately left for India as a result, like so many others of my generation. Instead, the study of Buddhism would brew in the back of my mind for many years. About fifteen years ago, a friend gave me a copy of Living Buddha, Living Christ, by Thich Nhat Hahn, which I devoured. Then I picked up The Heart of the Buddha’s Teachings by Thich Nhat Hahn, and it became a bible to me as I read it several times.
This started me on my current path. In 2022 I joined an online meditation group. I also focused on the teachings of Thich Nhat Hahn. Trying to understand The Four Noble Truths and the Eight-Fold path became a big part of my life. I also started following the Five Mindfulness Trainings. Last year I officially made a commitment to follow the Five Mindfulness Trainings at Magnolia Grove Monastery, a beautiful monastery in Mississippi.
I started 2023 with a desire to learn all I could possibly learn about Buddhism. Instead of centering on a particular form of Buddhism, I hungrily took in everything I could find. This is not an approach I would suggest to anyone. It has been a bit chaotic. Though the teachings of Thich Nhat Hahn have always been my bedrock, I have studied Tibetian Buddhism quite a bit as well. I am also very involved with a Secular Buddhist group. So many of the concepts are the same between the teachings, but there can be different ways of understanding them. I have really learned to take what I like and leave the rest behind, something of a buffet attitude. It has been very freeing to take a concept and decide if it is of use to me at the present moment. If not, I just put it aside. I don’t have someone over me telling me that I have to accept every teaching and if I don’t, I am damned.
What tools has Buddhism given me, which allow me to live a more complete life? To answer this question, I would like to explore how my life has changed in the last two years and what particular Buddhist teachings have brought me here.
I know that whatever is happening right now, will change.
I have really never considered myself an angry person, though some of my boys might disagree. But I have a great deal of anxiety. I want to make sure my boys and their families are safe and thriving. Much to their frustration, if they are not thriving for some reason, I do everything I can to make it okay. At least this was how I functioned in the past. Maybe one of the greatest changes in my life today is that I have lost a lot of my anxiety. Once in a while it will rear its ugly head and I am caught gasping for breath, but that is not very common. The Buddhist concept of impermanence has been a great help. I know that whatever is happening right now, will change. Living for right now, not focusing on past mistakes or thinking about what might happen in the future, has also helped a lot. This occurred fairly slowly for me. It is only in the last couple of months that I have started seeing a huge difference. It is not that I don’t care anymore about my children or grandchildren, but my boundaries are better. If the issue is something that concerns me, then I can get involved. If not, it is none of my business unless they ask for some help.
My relationship with food has changed. The First Mindfulness Training is Reverence for Life. Basically it says being “aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I am committed to learning ways to protect the lives of people and animals. I am determined not to kill and not cause others to kill.” The Fifth Mindfulness Training is Nourishment and Healing. It says that being “aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I am committed to cultivating good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming.” I became a vegan immediately after making a commitment to follow the Five Mindfulness Trainings. In the last 2 ½ years I have literally felt better physically than I have in years. I have more energy to do what I want. It is like a Word of Wisdom with an emphasis on no meat and no weird coffee restriction.
“Threaded through the entirety of the Buddha’s pathway of awakening are the teachings on cultivating the boundless heart—immeasurable kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity.” These four qualities have become my ethics for living. I cannot even begin to count the times that I fail. I have learned this is a process. Two years ago, I was so angry at the Church that it was hard for me to even hear the name. Not so much now. I have really felt sincere empathy for the Church leaders. This doesn’t stop me from wanting change, especially with regards to patriarchy and LGBTQ issues. It doesn’t stop me from speaking out, but I do try (often unsuccessfully) to do it in a measured way today.
The quality of equanimity is especially important to me. I was so off balance in all areas of my life before I dived into Buddhism. It knew it was extremely important that I find some sort of equilibrium. I thought it interesting that the name given to me when I took my refuge vows was Fearless Equanimity of the Source. Most days when I awake I recite affirmations for the day. These include a desire to be kind and compassionate for the day and to search for joy and practice equanimity. It is in practicing these qualities that I slowly start to find wisdom peeking its head in now and then, and for the most part I have found a stability that I didn’t realize was there.
Shelf Break
by Lorie
I love to read.
A history of my people? Saints?
I would really like to read that! I’m interested to know of my church’s history, of my people. A safe source. I’ve had uncomfortable thoughts; maybe this will clear them up. And I begin to read, enthusiastically.
But within a few pages, a dilemma arises:
A peep stone? I thought it was golden plates and translation.
And another dilemma:
Wait, what?
Fanny Alger? Never heard of her.
And another:
Wait, what?
Destroyed a printing press? Because it would expose him? Wait, that’s why he was in jail? Wait, what?
Doozy after doozy after doozy after doozy.
The misogyny: unbearable.
The dishonesty: devastating.
Horrifying history “good?”: unbelievable.
A “revelation?”
No, that cannot possibly be in our scriptures.
I am sure I would have heard of that in all my years:
church every Sunday my entire life, 4 years in seminary, personal reading and study, religion classes at BYU, church activities weekly throughout my youth. I’ve read all the canons. I taught people on a mission. I studied and study daily. I convinced people to join this institution! I claimed it was goodness. I participate now!
This can’t be right.
It just can’t be.
But then I look it up. And I realize, with growing horror:
I’m a pawn.
Yes. There it is. I feel sick, shaken, shaking. No. No, that can’t be right. It can’t be in there. It just can’t be.
And yet, there it is. In our “holy scriptures.” In all of its filth.
And Emma’s pain.
Her pain. Her rage. Her pain.
Her pain.
Pain. Hurt. Injury. Devastation. Betrayal.
And worst of all?
In the name of God.
As though God would command Emma’s destruction and pain pain pain.
As though God would command MY destruction. My PAIN. PAIN. PAIN.
I realize:
This church does not care about Emma.
This church does not care about me.
Not as a person. Not as a human with lived experiences. Not as a person with feelings and cares and hopes and dreams and perspective and inspiration and gifts and talents to contribute, God ordained, to this world.
Church “leaders,” men (and maybe even women), have perpetuated and continue to perpetuate the
HARM.
PAIN.
SUFFERING.
DEGRADATION.
Of Emma. Of ME. Of thousands upon thousands upon thousands whose stories are not told within church walls.
(Ignored. Dismissed. Vilified.)
Because it would disrupt the narrative.
The narrative keeping people around, though dishonestly. But then, manipulation is nothing new here, is it?
Emma could tell you.
Contributors:
Sarah Hale
I am an amateur artist/musician, wife, mother, homemaker, and lifelong learner, with a STEM degree I hope to someday use to make a difference. Some of my favorite things include good books, podcasts, food (both cooking and eating), long walks, petrichor, yoga, deep conversations, and the hilarious things my two young children say.
Melinda Kopilow
I am a daughter, an aunt and a wife. I am a Jehovah’s Witness who never thought I would be in a mixed-faith marriage. I found help and community through Marriage on Tightrope podcast and Facebook page. I love feisty women who are willing to discuss complicated things.
Christine
Carol G
Who am I? This is such a multifaceted question. I am a seeker first and foremost. I have spent my whole life looking for truth and have come to the obnoxious conclusion that truth isn’t all it is hyped up to be. At this point in my life, what is really important to me is how I live my life on a daily basis. I am a ravenous reader and will often have 10 books I am currently reading. I love to spend time in my garden. If you can’t find me inhaling my latest book or coaxing my plants to thrive, I will probably be at the jail working with women inmates on addiction recovery. My husband and I travel quite a bit. I have driven through all of the 48 lower states in the last few years. We are headed for Hawaii in September and Alaska next year. As far as life experiences go, I am a veteran of the US Navy. I am a retired math teacher by profession. I have taught at high schools and at Weber State and currently spend a lot of time tutoring others. I am the wife of a wonderful husband, the mother of five very talented sons, and the grandmother of 17 grandkids whom I love dearly.
Lorie
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Melinda, I can't get over how a Jehovah's Witness could tell such a completely Mormon story. Apparently neither group is unique in the pain we can inflict on members, unfortunately. Thank you for trusting and sharing with us! I'm so glad this is a safe place for you to set your story down.
Wow, Melinda, what an amazing, difficult story. Thank you for writing it, that must have been hard but also healing I hope.