ALSSI Newsletter
June 2022
There’s something crazy that happens to parents when they have a gay child come out to them. I’ve seen different iterations of this story but basically—for me anyway—I took a time machine back into my mind and replayed all these amazing moments with my baby girl.
Her climbing out of her crib at age 2, me timing her running laps while we waited for the kindergarten bus (EVERYDAY!), her obsession with smoothies and remote controlled cars. And one of my favorite interactions: watching her buy Peruvian popcorn from every single abuelita on the streets of Peru even though she didn’t even much like it, because she wanted to support every little old lady she could possibly help. Her heart has always been a mile wide.
As I played back all these memories, what hit me like a ton of bricks is that my daughter is a perfectly Holy Child of Heavenly Parents, she didn’t choose to be gay, and she doesn’t need to change anything.
And as soon as those thoughts came, the next thought was….and the church has a loooong way to go in accepting our LGBTQ+ kiddos. I know that sentence will offend some, but as a parent who saw this beautiful baby everyday for 18 years (the age she came out to me) it’s what my Mother Heart instantly knew: she deserves the kind of home she came from if that is what she wants. A home filled with love, hope, companionship, and commitment.
One friend said to me that after his son came out as gay he announced to his dad that he would eventually leave the church “because he wanted a family.” The irony of gay Mormon kids needing to leave the church to have their own family should pierce every heart. What parent wouldn’t want their child to have all that? In a church so focused on families how do we turn to our babies and say “but not for you?” I can’t. I won’t. I’ll walk with her.
If no other success can compensate for failure in the home then I choose my home: I choose my daughter.
HAPPY PRIDE month to all the other parents who have been on a similar journey with me. May our babies receive every good thing life has to offer.
— Cynthia
“No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.”
— Alice Walker
First things first:
We know it’s a busy time of year…but we hope you’ll join us for a midsummer Ladies’ Lunch In! These just keep getting better—our favorite thing about this podcast project is the community that has grown up around it. Whether you come to share, or just show your support for those who do, our live discussions are a great place to hear women’s ideas and take part in important conversations among friends.
July Ladies’ Lunch In
Thursday, July 21
12:00 noon Mountain
You can register and get the Zoom link by clicking here:
https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZMrcOGuqDosGtHOvv-B8kDJhDyYSUoGDXJH
We look forward to seeing you!
Meanwhile…we’re loving Season 5,
…and we hope you’re enjoying it too! We’re featuring more listeners’ voices on our episodes—thank you for sharing your thoughts and stories so generously within the ALSSI community. We hoped to amplify women’s voices and experiences, and technology is allowing us to do it so conveniently, it’s almost too good to be true! We hope hearing and learning from each other feels as valuable to you as it does to us. Keep an eye on our social media for future requests for participation as we move through this season.
You can leave us a voicemail anytime by clicking on the red phone on our website,
or leave one right now by clicking here. Thanks again for your willingness to share!
“Most of the people I've encountered are looking not for a religion to answer all their questions but for a community of faith in which they can feel safe asking them.”
— Rachel Held Evans
Stay tuned —
We’re working hard on upcoming episodes, including a Part 3 to The Ultimate Big Deal (our ongoing conversation about the temple), a reflection at the intersection of God and gender, an exploration of connections between Mormon feminism and the search for Heavenly Mother, a look at how Jesus Christ chose women, and much more!
“Not every idea arrives full born and some take a lot of time, even years, to morph into their shape. But you have to be doing to find that out.”
— Mary Timme
In case you missed it,
Cynthia shared an essay titled What Women Don’t Get in Our Church in Episode 91 that resonated deeply with a lot of our listeners. You can read that essay on our website by clicking here.
Our listeners had a lot to say in response to the ideas in that essay, and the conversation we had about it on Episode 91:
“Why is it bad for girls to want to pass the sacrament (or do any sort of service in church). Why is it bad for a girl to see something good and to want to bless others doing that good thing? It’s not bad for boys to want it. We praise and prepare and get excited for our boys to do it. Why the heck can a girl not want to serve and bless others, especially since YW are given no church responsibility to serve the ward. It is GOOD to want to serve. Everything that inviteth and enticeth to do good is of GOD. A girl feeling invited and entice to serve members in passing the sacrament is GOOD!!!!! Rant over.”
— @thefeminine.divine on IG
”I started reading Saints Vol 3 and one part really stood out to me on this topic. When Utah got permission to apply for statehood and they were writing the constitution, the women of the church pushed to have the voting rights for women reinstated that had been taken away. The same reasons we have now were given why they didn’t want to add it in the constitution: women are emotional, people wouldn’t vote if it was included, etc. And this quote was so impactful to me.
‘In an editorial for the Woman’s Exponent, Emmeline also voiced her disagreement with opponents of women’s suffrage. ‘It is pitiful to see how men opposed to woman suffrage try to make the women believe it is because they worship them so, and think them far too good,’ she wrote. ‘The women of Utah have never failed in any time of trial of whatever name or nature, and their integrity is unquestioned.’
We are constantly told, ‘We love the women of the church. you are vital. Etc. Etc.’ But if we’re so vital why aren’t we in the room where it happens? In every room where a decision is being made. Thank you for this episode. It has opened up more conversations with my husband to help him understand how hard it is for women in the church to feel ACTUALLY important.”
— @kayelynnbates on IG
”The discussion on young girls and girls being born now was so impactful for me. My only daughter just turned one. And as I have been going on my faith journey, I have been asking myself how I can allow her to be part of an organization that will treat her the way the church currently treats women. Right now I can stay, because I trust myself to wrestle with these issues. And it’s not that I don’t trust her to be able to wrestle with them either, but why put her in that position in the first place when there are other empowering, actually equal and forward thinking spaces.”
— @wonder.and_wander on IG
”I don’t intend this to be a pile on of the patriarchy, but I thought this episode could be so clarifying to those who are willing to listen and learn. I applaud your work ladies!
Further, I think a follow-episode should be: things that are said to women within the church. I bet a crowdsource of that would lend to some really great teaching moments of how misogny is disguised within benevolent patriarchy. Perhaps, if someone could hear the direct things told to women in the church it would help to retrain towards doing better. I’ll start first, “Sister Williams, you’ll get there someday” in reference to my discomfort with child ordination said to me by my priesthood leader.”
— Lacey W. on FB
”This PODCAST is going to stick with me for a very long time. Thank you Sisters. 7 years ago, when our daughter was 11, we had to make a terrible choice. Either hope and work towards making the church a healthy place for her as she entered those critical teen years, or stop supporting the the church and find her an environment that would help her thrive and reach her full potential. As you certainly know (but I had to figure out), the patriarchy doesn’t just affect women and girls on Sunday, it affects them every day, all the time. Limiting their position in a faith that is so central to their lives, forces them to put harmful limits on themselves outside of church as well. For me as a dad, coming to that realization was hard (don’t get me started on the girls who wanted to race in the Pinewood Derby, couldn’t, and instead were forced to the sidelines as cheerleaders). After heart-wrenching soul searching, prayer, and long deliberations, we decided that while the church may end up improving over time for women, it would definitely not happen before damage would be done to our daughter. So, we made terrible choice to leave the church understanding the consequences that the decision would have on our relationships with friends, family, and our world. 7 years later, I can confidently say that was the right decision for us. Our daughter has seemingly infinite possibilities ahead of her, she knows she’s equal, that we have high expectations for her, and she’s rising to the challenge. Equality has also affected my sons who aren’t burdened with maintaining the patriarchy, but can focus on succeeding or failing based on their own merits. I am a far better husband and father without the patriarchy. I try to engage where it matters, support my wife in many ways that would have terrified me before, and be present with my kids. I even know who my kids doctor is, and take my turns getting them to appointments. (I know, I proudly accept your gold stars). I won’t speak for my wife on her experiences…because I’m learning how not to do that.
With all of the positives, I still wish that we didn’t feel forced to make that choice. We didn’t leave a church, we left a community that we had worked hard help to maintain. Critical relationships with close family and friends were lost or significantly altered because of it. In particular, my relationship with my brothers, mother, nieces, and nephews will never be the same.
Thank you sisters for the work you are doing. I pray that you are able to help soften hearts so that truly meaningful and positive change starts happening so that others aren’t forced to make such a terrible decision. We should be able to proudly raise our daughters as Mormons, AND give them an environment where they are truly equal and can thrive.
I still have my name in the records of the church, and in my heart still consider myself a Mormon. If change happens, I’ll be glad to attend sacrament meeting again, sing the Hymns with the Saints, and rejoin my community.”
— Adam F. on our website
To everyone who participates in discussing the issues we raise on our podcast—even the really hard ones!—thank you. We value your input, your experience, and your willingness to ask questions and share what you’ve learned. The messages we get aren’t always easy to read, and we sometimes find ourselves at a loss for anything to say that can help. But getting light on things is always a first step to understanding and improving them. It’s humbling to have created a space where people are willing to hear and can also feel heard.
“Choosing with integrity means finding ways to speak up that honor your reality, the reality of others, and your willingness to meet in the center of that large field. It’s hard sometimes.”
— Terry Tempest Williams
Before we go…
Even though it’s summer, it’s always worth heating up the oven for some things, and cake is one of them! I particularly love Texas Sheet Cake for a picnic or potluck table. Add a grill, a pool, a few sparklers, and some vanilla ice cream, and it’s almost worth getting a few mosquito bites for. Enjoy!
—Susan
Texas Sheet Cake
1 c butter
1 c water
1/4 c cocoa
2 c sugar
2 c flour
1/8 tsp salt
2 eggs
1 tsp soda
1/2 c sour cream
1 tsp vanilla
Frosting:
1/2 c butter
1/4 c cocoa
1/4 c plus 2 Tbsp milk
1 box (1 lb.) powdered sugar (4 1/4 c sifted)
1/2 tsp vanilla
Combine butter, water, and cocoa in saucepan over medium heat; heat until butter melts. Add sugar, flour, salt, eggs, soda, sour cream, and vanilla; mix well. Pour into a 15x10x1” jelly roll pan. Bake at 350° for about 20 mins, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Frost while hot.
Frosting: Combine butter, cocoa, and milk in a saucepan; bring to boil. Add the powdered sugar and vanilla and mix well with electric mixer. Pour over hot cake and spread to cover.
Hope you’re enjoying the best summer has to offer, wherever the sun finds you! Thanks for your ongoing support of At Last She Said It. If we’re a little slow answering these days, please forgive us—we’re enjoying a bit of summer laziness ourselves. You can be sure, we’re eager to hear from you, and we always look forward to continuing the conversation!
— Cynthia and Susan