Resentments form when we get angry at a person, institution, or situation. For many Latter-day Saint women, denying themselves and putting others first is a default setting. But when we live to please others, we often end up pleasing no one—even ourselves. As a follow up to Episode 65 on healthy boundaries, therapist C.A. Larson joins us for a conversation about resentments. Understanding what they are and why we have them can help us set down the ones we carry, and avoid picking up new ones.
Rachel Bancroft
Great episode. I can relate to the burnout. A few years ago I served in the Stake Girls Camp presidency and wore myself out to the point of physical exhaustion. I have had to learn to set boundaries, to honor my limitations and stop trying to do everything.
A note about the talk by Elder Bednar about choosing to be offended: I know he meant well, but I despise that talk. It is gaslighting at its worst. What better way to tell spiritually struggling people that it’s their own fault they are so sensitive.
When we are offended we are hurt. To be hurt and offended is a normal human response. Someone we thought had our best interests in mind said something that hurt us. The emotion to be hurt is not wrong or right. It just is. We feel. We hope. We trust, then sometimes people hurt us. Who among us has never buried a hurt, a pain, a trauma for years and years? It is an instinct of self-preservation. Then after years and years we decide that it’s time to process it? That’s just it — it takes processing.
Let’s not judge someone for being offended. Or say flippant remarks like, “oh well, they got offended and left the church.” We don’t know the total of their human experience, circumstances, emotional and mental state, etc..
What if we listen to the pain, the offense, and have understanding rather than judgment? Be a safe place for someone to process it. We can hope that they heal. Ultimately it is their burden to figure out and process in their own way, but we can support them.
How about instead of teaching people that they SHOULDN’T be offended, we teach them ways to COPE with offense and hurt and find HEALING. Teach that they are not bad or less valiant for feeling offended.
Just some of my thoughts. =)
Rachel