It can be terrifying to take the metaphorical lid off the box that holds everything you think you know about God. What do you do when you outgrow your old ideas? Can you trust the hopeful whisperings of your own heart when those whisperings also spark fear? In this bonus episode, Susan shares the journey that led her, as a Latter-day Saint woman, to reexamine and move beyond her previous answers toward questions that have expanded her faith.
Erin Weist
This just has too many perfect one-line descriptions, like poetry– Can I please get a copy of this? I need to ponder on this again and again. Thank you for making me cry in solidarity and recognition.
Terri
Thank you for beautifully articulating some of my own thoughts!
Melinda Reese
Just last night I was thinking about how much I miss God. My personal faith journey has completely obliterated any beliefs, and even faith, I once held. It used to be that I had a sort of ongoing conversation with God much of the time, even asking, “Hey God, what in the world should I make for dinner? I can’t think of anything!” As I was walking to my house last night, by habit I thought, “Thanks for the lovely daffodils, God.” (I live up here in Idaho where they are now in bloom.) Then I thought, “Oh yeah, God doesn’t exists.” Everywhere I hear about God it is in the context of he, him, his, and feeling the need to please and yes, control him. Even the “heavenly parents” thing makes no sense to me anymore. I listened to this podcast today and a small sliver of hope has opened up for me. Maybe I can find a god who is bigger than every view I’ve ever heard about before. My ideas have been so limited that I couldn’t see beyond them. I don’t think I can find that god in “The Church,” but maybe, just maybe, I can find God somewhere. Thank you for opening that possibility for me. You have given me a reason to go on living.
Stella
This—and the handful of your other podcasts I’ve listened to—speak of god like he for sure exists, and that is exactly what I don’t know anymore. If he did, why didn’t the “formula” talked about in the scriptures and by apostles today for personal revelation work? I thought the formula sis work, but after experiencing what I thought was personal revelation (pr) to do a thing turned out to NOT be pr because doing that thing isn’t a possibility (bc things physically don’t exist anymore that would allow me to do the thing), I realized that all previous experiences when I thought or believed—or even sometimes said “know”—that I had received pr was most likely just me once again answering my prayers FOR god. Everything that I ascribed to being god’s work, including pr, is just stuff that I personally decided to ascribe to him. I don’t actually KNOW. Up to this point, it’s just been a sort of confirmation bias. It’s superstition. I’ve heard/read/watches too many stories from church materials that regale the audience with a time a person was crying out in their extremity and had a sudden rush of peace wash over/through them. I’ve cried out, too, in my anguish with the loss of a loved one, and again in my “faith crisis,” but never received this immaculate rush of peace descend upon me, so where’s the disconnect? Is it something wrong with me; am I doing “it” wrong; can I really not discern when I’m being divinely guided or helped; does god not want to throw me a frickin bone already; does he not like me, can’t hear me, or is too busy? Or are these people fooling themselves into thinking they had a divine experience, and god actually doesn’t exist at all? I want the answer—I’ve repeatedly begged in prayer for the answer—to be that I’m the problem, that I need to try harder or do something differently, that there is something broken with me I need to fix first before I can receive pr. My prayers continue to be met with silence. I’ve been an active member my whole life—I know all the canned responses and where they came from. I can quote and refer to scriptures too, yet they all fall short. And when they fall short there’s always an excuse to why a principle or doctrine falls short, like Joseph Smith saying god will feel after you and wrench your heart. Well that’s a convenient cover up for when pr formulas don’t work. What kind of a god would do that anyway? To which some reply, “oh, because the reward is so great. How can we expect to inherit all he ha if we don’t go through such a terrible crucible of faithfulness?” That’s ridiculous. Being told, “hey, if you do this, you’ll get a supernatural reward you can’t see or fathom now” isn’t enough to inspire obedience. If it was, there are other religions that claim the same thing so why not be a part of their religion instead? There actually is no evidence that there is a god—people create a god in an effort to make sense of things and then proceed for the rest of their lives to misattribute thoughts, feelings, circumstances, events, etc. to a god they’ve divised and agreed to believe in. The argument that the earth’s very existence denotes their is a god is untenable. “Well it can’t all just be coincidence” isn’t a good argument either. Do you see? I know the rebuttals. I know the contrived placations. I’ve given them. But they don’t work anymore. The stuff I used to turn an uncomfortable blind eye to can’t be ignored anymore because the other stuff that was keeping me believing broke down.
Tl;dr I’d love it if you spoke about when one is unsure they even believe in the existence of a god anymore. Although they want to. I want to believe so much! I want things back the way they were, but I also can’t subscribe to something that’s not real. I want reality—the truth— whether that’s in or out of the church or believing in a god. I want a god, but I want truth, not a made up god.
And if there is a god, he has got so much explaining to do and responsibility to take.
stella
RE: your ongoing covos with god (“What should I make for dinner? Thanks for the flowers.”)
SAME. You described me perfectly.
The “makes no sense anymore” and not wanting to live is me too.
I’m so grateful to know I’m not alone.
Rachel
Stella my heart hurts for your pain. I relate too well to your expression of feeling like God has forgotten you and not heard your plea for peace in His/Her love. This poscast opened my eyes to the idea that the little things in nature and the small miracles like a lost receipt being found suddenly in a pocket could be God’s whisper to keep seeking. The journey is a lifetime of glimpses overshadowed by all the things that rob us of peace and joy. I can see that a year has past since you shared this raw piece of your journey, because I am catching up with this podcast 2 years later I hope that the year has brought you closer by bringing you closer to friends and family members that feel real and with whom your faith in a God that doesn’t forget his children feels like hope.