Say More: At Last She Writes It
No. 11 | March 2024
Alta Mesa Stake Center
by Rachel
I looked around this room and remembered all the times I wanted to die.
This room wasn't filled with faith, hope, and charity. It was filled with shame, blame, and self-loathing.
I felt that I could never succeed.
Whatever I did, it would never be enough.
I could never measure up.
Each Sunday I sat in the pews and a darkness would envelope me, showing me everything in my life that I should have done better. My mistakes would haunt me over and over.
I should repent more; I should be more Christ-like; I should serve more. There was always more I should do, always more to blame myself for.
I would never measure up.
Half my life ago, I sat in those pews as a teenager and wished for death because I thought my life would never be good enough.
I pleaded with God to take me from this world, because I sure as hell couldn't do it myself. Only He could have taken me from this world. I wanted Him to do it so badly. I felt like I didn't deserve to live. I was too unworthy.
I could never measure up.
I wish I could go back in time and take myself by the hand, remove myself from those pews where I thought about dying, and tell myself,
"No, you wouldn't have ever measured up to their standards because they are IMPOSSIBLE."
"You're an inherently good person and you should have never been made to feel bad about being human, about making mistakes, about doing your best at your absolute lowest."
"You will always measure up."
Broken Free
by Camilla Alves
Different and Not Equal
by Stacy
The adage is all too familiar and far from new.
I likely repeated some version of it as a missionary almost twenty-five years ago. It surfaced yet again during a recent debate between church members and former members: women and men have different but equal roles in the church. However, after nearly a year of deconstructing and reconstructing my beliefs, that overused saying has stirred up anger inside me—and led me to think critically for the first time about this worn-out assertion.
One of the rationales behind the different but equal rhetoric is that women’s and men’s roles within the church are not only fixed but have been as they are since the beginning of time. But a quick dip into history proves this claim false.
Early Christian groups viewed women radically differently than Roman patriarchy did. Women served in church leadership positions as deacons and apostles and oversaw congregations in their homes. For a time, in the Middle Ages, a woman who devoted her life and energies to God, rather than to a husband or children, was the epitome of being female. It wasn’t until the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries that women’s value really became linked with home and the roles of wife and mother.
In more modern times, we likely have apostle John A. Widtsoe, in 1954, to thank for connecting motherhood for women as being equal with priesthood for men. But even this rationale falls apart with a bit of critical analysis. The priesthood is available to every worthy male, age 11 and up. However, motherhood is not available to every woman. Furthermore, fatherhood is the equivalent of motherhood, not priesthood office.
Again, two does not equal four.
Even if a review of history doesn’t lay to rest the different but equal argument, we can turn to simple math for help. Now, I am not a math person. It was my least favorite subject in school. Yet I still know that two equals two. And that two does not equal four, regardless of how much someone insists it does.
If women’s roles in the church are that of wives and mothers, then the total sum of their responsibilities is two. If men’s roles in the church are that of husbands, fathers, priesthood holders, and the only ones to fill leadership positions of authority (ie. bishop, stake president, mission president, general authority, apostle, prophet), then the total sum of their responsibilities is four.
Again, two does not equal four.
Let’s say we were to hypothetically reverse the number of roles for women and for men. We’ll assign women the roles of wives, mothers, holders of the priesthood, and the only ones to fill leadership positions of authority. We’ll give men the roles of husbands and fathers. Is it still different but equal this way?
Would it be easy or difficult for him to insert himself into this dominant female experience and believe that he is equal?
Imagine applying this same type of reversal to the temple endowment. Suddenly it becomes a religious experience completely dominated by females. No male has a voice in the pre-mortal council, nor does a male assist in the creation of the world. The first person created is now woman, and it’s from her side that man comes into being. She is the one asked to name the man; she is the one with the priesthood; and she is the one given credit for humankind coming into existence, despite partaking of the fruit second.
All Deity and messengers are female. There is only ever one male present. At every turn, woman’s name is spoken before his and it is she who receives everything before him. I wonder what thoughts and questions a man might have after leaving an endowment session like this. Would it be easy or difficult for him to insert himself into this dominant female experience and believe that he is equal?
Would he leave wondering about the value of his person and identity, beyond that of husband and father? If no male helped in the creation of this world, is he needed in the future creation of other worlds? Should he assume that he will rule and reign in the house of Israel forever, alongside his wife, when it’s never stated outright? Can he overlook the fact that he is second to a female in every aspect of the endowment? Does this represent true equality?
The argument—different but equal—is not likely to go away any time soon. But from now on, I’m going to view it for what it really is: a fallacy, a weapon, an attempt to silence others, an appeasement, a modern construct. Because when history shows we’ve viewed the past incorrectly, when math will always prove that 2 and 4 are not equal, and when anyone has to ask themselves painful, soul-level questions about their equality, the reality remains the same. For women and men in the church, things are different and not equal.
The Sound of Silence
by Zinah Burke
Lent
by KC Bramer
It’s odd the things you miss as you grow older. I never appreciated
the liturgical seasons in the Lutheran church that I grew up in. Advent, Pentecost, Epiphany were no big deal to me. It simply signaled a change in the altar and pulpit cloths.
After years of being an inactive Lutheran who dabbled in a few other faith traditions, I got married and eventually joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My husband was a member and I was drawn to some of the teachings.
I liked the fact that members were asked to speak during worship services. I liked the simplicity of sacrament meeting.
The last couple years I've found that I miss the candles, the readings from Scripture and the liturgical season. One of the things I missed was Lent.
For those of you who may not know what Lent is, it is the 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday. It is a season of repentance and fasting for some faith traditions. You may have heard of people giving up something for Lent. You may have certainly noticed that fish and fish sandwiches at fast food restaurants are advertised prominently during this season. Many people of Roman Catholic tradition do not eat meat on Fridays during Lent.
As a Lutheran the only observations were the imposition of ashes on Ash Wednesday and the extra worship service after choir practice every Wednesday night during Lent. In college I didn’t eat meat on Fridays out of respect for my friends who were Catholic.
I want to really understand what repentance is because to me it feels like a session of beating myself over the head with all my faults.
The last few years I've found myself missing Lent. I wanted the discipline of giving something up and not eating meat on Fridays. I want to ponder the example of Jesus and how I can better follow that example. I want to really understand what repentance is because to me it feels like a session of beating myself over the head with all my faults.
Last year I began with no meat on Fridays and spending the Sabbath reading spiritual books, avoiding social media and emails and working on knitting projects that will be given to someone. I also followed a series of Lenten messages from Epsicopal Bishop Rob Wright.* It felt like good preparation leading up to Easter. It felt spiritually good.
This year I decided to go a little further. I still avoid meat on Fridays during Lent and spend the Sabbath as I did last year. This year I decided I wanted to fast from something. I decided to fast from three YouTube channels that I enjoy, but that seem to be taking up a lot of my time.
That is proving to be more of a challenge. When I go on YouTube and I see that new videos are posted it is a temptation to watch. I remind myself why I am doing this and the benefits I’m seeing. I’m spending more time reading books. I have more time to ponder. As the weather gets nicer I’ll have more time to be outside where I've always been better able to feel the presence of my heavenly parents.
Part of the reason for the Lenten season is to prepare for Easter. To appreciate the sacrifice and the gift of the Savior’s atonement. Observing Lent makes Easter more special to me.
*For a great follow-up to KC’s reflections on Lent, check out one of Rob Wright’s beautiful Lenten messages about letting go, here.
Did you see our recent writing prompts on Instagram?
Say More received many wonderful responses, and we truly appreciate it! Some of the pieces in this issue were written because of writing prompts posted on social media. Watch for more prompts in the future! Here is an email response that was too good not to share:
“My turning point started when I realized how unfulfilled I was in my marriage. My husband and I were completely disconnected and I became involved with another man (I cannot apologize for this any more than I already have—so I’ll spare you the apologies for my actions at this time). When everything unraveled, I thought my world would come completely undone. I had to entirely let go of the judgements of others—something that had terrified me since childhood. I gained compassion for others who had done the same thing as me. I learned to see people for who they were and not only what they did. I found it baffling that I felt closer to God than at any time when I was on the ‘straight and narrow.’ I found strength in being my own advocate. I transformed in a way that I never thought possible, and I truly know ME now. My marriage turned completely around and resulted in us both owning our avoidance and our mistakes, and is stronger than it has ever been. It was absolutely the most difficult and devastating time of my life, but also such a beautiful time of throwing out all of my notions of worth, and realizing what working at a relationship really looked like.
”I never saw this coming—I was completely blindsided by this experience but I still feel, even to this day, that somehow it was an experience God gave me. How can that be that God gave me an experience that exactly goes against his commandments to only have sexual relations with my partner? It has felt, ironically, many times to me like Adam and Eve when given contradictory commandments. And I feel like I have had to tell my husband, we can’t stay here—I’ve eaten the fruit and will be cast out. We have to evolve. We have to grow. And he has been so wonderful to forgive and come with me, and walk with me, out of our peaceful and tidy garden into a space of paradox, forgiveness, humanness, communication, and real love.”
-Anonymous
Contributors:
Rachel
I'm 33 years old, married to my best friend of 20 years, and a mom of 2 girls. I'm an LDS convert of two LDS converts, baptized at 14 (it's complicated). I'm an introvert, a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, a chronic illness spoonie, and love to spend my limited free time writing, watching films, baking, and napping with my dog.
Camilla Alves
Camilla is a Brazilian photographer, currently living in Orlando, FL. She loves writing, listening to music and spending time with her husband and 4 children.
Stacy
Stacy is a published fiction author with a degree in public relations. She loves reading, writing, learning, hiking, doing graphic design, and taking road trips. Her ideal day would include getting out in nature, doing something creative, laughing with her husband and three kids, and eating dark chocolate.
Zinah Burke
Zinah (whose name rhymes with China) is an amateur musician and writer who loves to learn. You can often find her reading one of the many non-fiction books on her ever growing 'for later' list, listening to a podcast about politics or faith reconstruction, writing out her thoughts in her journal, or practicing the music for the community choir she sings with. A lifelong member of the Church, she is cautiously raising her two young daughters in this space.
KC Bramer
When I was younger writing was a tool I used to deal with my world. I’ve come back to it now that I’m older to help me figure out what I think. I live in Minnesota with my husband Charles and our kitten, Willow. During the good weather months we walk, bike and take day trips. In the winter I surround myself with tea, books and yarn. I work as a pharmacist part time and do my best to go about doing good.
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Wow! Powerful issue. All the pieces. The one that got me to tears was the one about separate not being equal. The role reversal just made it so obvious! Thanks for all those women who shared their writing!