Say More: At Last She Writes It

No. 13 | April 2024

About Women’s Silence and About Women’s Voices

by Anonymous

My first panic attack was during an endowment session

in the Salt Lake temple. I was a young mother and had left my baby with a neighbor to obey my stake president’s requirement to attend the temple each month.

A second panic attack ensued when I served as ward organist in a new ward. My three young children sat alone on the bench while my husband was out-of-town on business. 

A third bout with horrific depression occurred when I served as Relief Society president and the bishop routinely abused sisters in the ward, yelling at some and lecturing others. I found one sister in tears when after major surgery, a miscarriage, and an upcoming move, the bishop chided her that she should stop feeling sorry for herself. The bishop silenced any voices that asked him to show kindness, including mine. I was released.

When I served as stake Relief Society president while my husband served in four—yes four—stake positions, I depended on my pre-teen daughter to tend my three younger children while I attended many required stake meetings. Depression again overwhelmed me. I was ignored when I asked that my husband be released to help me. My suppressed voice endangered my physical and mental health. I again asked to be released.

My worst experience with voicelessness occurred when my husband served as a branch president for a large retirement facility. We routinely received calls where residents needed a blessing—often from the hospital—and when my husband traveled (which he often did), I referred the calls to his counselors, who refused to help. If I could have given a blessing to these desperate folks, the problem would have easily been solved, but of course, that is no longer possible for women.

When I became overwhelmed with suicidal ideation, I visited a therapist, unaware of why I was suffering. The therapist called my husband and told him to ask for a release, which solved my mental health issue.

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Although the Church has made small changes to appear more inclusive—such as allowing women to serve as baptismal witnesses—in reality, women have no voice in the Church. None.

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I have paid heavily for my silence in the Church. I have suffered greatly when my voice has been ignored and silenced. I—and many women in the Church—are marginalized as we are excluded from councils in the Church that make decisions about leadership callings, finances, and doctrinal and policy decisions. Although women are expected to carry heavy volunteer responsibilities in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, they must follow male decisions on every level of it.

The Church continues to retrench, stripping from general female leaders their building, magazine, curriculum, financial and humanitarian work autonomy, and even their ability to meet with the First Presidency. Although the Church has made small changes to appear more inclusive—such as allowing women to serve as baptismal witnesses—in reality, women have no voice in the Church. None.

Some of our best and brightest women are leaving the Church, and others are stepping back. Others hope that something they say or do will make a difference, but will it? In a patriarchal culture in which men have absolute, unrestricted power, women are suppressed from every opportunity to have power but one: their opportunity for personal power. When inspired, they can say “no” to callings and say “yes” to time for meditation, self-renewal, and self-compassion. When silenced by their church, they can speak up in their communities and careers.

In the past two decades, I have used my voice to make a positive difference in my community, city, and school district, and have led out on issues affecting students, teachers, and residents. I have managed the campaigns for two city council members, who both won. My circle of friends includes our mayor, school board president, and state house representative, who are all good, caring LDS women. The leadership skills I polished in church service have made a visible difference in my city. I have also used my voice to speak at community groups throughout the state and to write in scholarly journals, newspapers, and church magazines. I may be silenced in my church, but I will not be silenced in my community.

I matter. You matter. Our voices matter. Together, we can make a difference, whether Church leaders care—or not. 

Margaret Mead was speaking the truth when she said, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.”

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“The Veiled Virgin,” by Giovanni Strazza Adapted from Shhewitt, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Behind her veil

by Sarah

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Paying Tithing on Child Support

by Anonymous

First of all, I know this topic isn’t JUST an LDS woman thing.

Child support is applied to all kinds of families in and out of the Church. I also know that there are women out there who pay child support and men who receive child support. Statistics are kind of hard to find specifically in regard to the LDS Church. On Google, all I could find was a statistic from the Church saying that only 10% of temple marriages dissolve in divorce (and there wasn’t any information about this to say whether that was “earthly” dissolution or if it was just counting sealing dissolutions). But we know that in actuality, about 50% of the Church is made of single individuals. I also read that those statistics aren’t necessarily based on personal surveys, but are based on Church records. So, how many of those single people are divorced people? And how many divorces aren’t accurately depicted because the Church counts intact sealings (and therefore “numbered wives”) as valid marriages instead of blatantly single women?

It IS very easy to find, however, that there are more women in the United States who are awarded child support than men, which means more men than women PAY child support. The Church’s specific statistics may be slightly different from “the world’s” statistics, but I do think they are probably comparable. 

Now with all that out of the way, while I know (per my previous comment) that this may not ONLY affect women, especially with newer laws leaning toward 50/50 custody being the default in divorce, I do believe that statistically, it does mostly affect women. Until the most recent past, women typically “get” the kids in divorces. Women are primary caregivers—not just in the Church, but especially in the Church, and when a majority of custody is awarded to one parent, child support is also awarded. 

Now here’s my story:
I divorced in January 2013. I had 5 children from that marriage. I get child support ... sometimes. It's supposed to be $1000.00 per month. My ex has spent many years out of work or bouncing between jobs. He’s currently $50,000.00 in arrears (meaning that’s how much back child support he owes that he didn’t pay, during which time I supported my kids “by myself”—I’m remarried, so this includes their step dad who also supported them). Please note that in this instance, the arrears is not mentioned as some kind of chip on my shoulder, vendetta, or way to bash my ex. In fact, arrears is an important topic to have hanging here for future reference. 

When I was first going through my divorce, my extremely sweet and compassionate stake president told me, "Do not pay tithing on child support." 

At the time, I was still very much floating through a haze. My whole world had crashed around me, I had been a stay at home mom for 8 years, and I had no degree, so my earning potential was fairly dismal. I was 30 weeks pregnant and was struggling to find a job for myself. At the time I assumed it was because this compassionate man knew I had NOTHING and didn't want me to use my child support for the Church; he wanted me to take care of my kids. I didn’t think to ask about why he felt I didn’t need to pay, I just rolled with it. I do wish now that I had asked because I could have saved myself the wrestle, and I would also know if he had the same feeling about it that I do, or if there were other ideas behind it. 

Over time I got a job, I got remarried, I was doing okay, and I started to feel guilty about not paying tithing on my child support. So sometimes, when I had surplus, I would pay tithing on it. We don't often have surplus. (And I don't always get child support. Remember, my ex doesn't keep jobs for long.)

The last 2 years I've been thinking long and hard about my child support and whether I should actually be paying tithing on it. 

I decided a couple of years ago that I was NOT going to pay tithing on it, and I wasn't going to feel guilty anymore. I do pay tithing on my income I earn from work. I always have. (Even in my inactive years during college, I couldn’t bring myself to spend that 10% of my income, and I saved it up in a jar until I ended up going back to church and paid it all in one lump sum.)

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I want to be a person with charity and goodness in my heart, but I couldn't. I couldn’t obey. 

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I’ve been very grateful that the last two bishoprics—about 6-7 years—have been more on the liberal, empowering and feminist sides. I had men in charge who empowered me (I say “me” and to some degree, yes, this was through direct contact and conversation with them about our family and trials, but also that’s just how they led the ward and I feel we all benefited from their style of leadership that way) to trust my own personal revelation, to make decisions about my life and family that were best for us, and to trust the atonement and the love of our Savior instead of focusing so much on the “should dos” and “should nots.”  So I had become pretty used to this relatively “cushy” church lifestyle (LOL) compared to what often happens in Mormon wards. I felt confident, based on my own personal revelation and life experience, about what was best for my children: that my child support was not “increase,” and it was not for me to pay tithing on. 

I recently got a new bishopric. You know what they say: bishopric roulette, amirite? This new bishop is a super nice guy. I do love his whole family and they are very kind. But he is undoubtedly very very opposite my last two bishops. He is extremely conservative (so conservative that we have gone back to not allowing the boys to serve the sacrament unless they are in white shirts and ties, so conservative that we are back to only being allowed to sing hymns in the book—no outside arrangements for musical numbers or choir anymore, mutual activities have to be spiritually centered and a lesson involved, no more just-for-fun kinds of things … other things too, but I digress).

Anyway, shortly after the entrance of our new bishopric, it was time to renew my temple recommend. I answered all the questions correctly and in the usual way. However, a discussion about whether or not I pay tithing on my child support came up. 

Without going into a lot of details, I will say that my bishop expressed that child support is an increase and therefore, it should be paid on. 

I thought about it. And I intended to be obedient, because I do want to be a GOOD and OBEDIENT (to God) Woman. I want to be a person with charity and goodness in my heart, but I couldn't. I couldn’t obey. 

Here's the thing: 

My ex-husband left the Church. He was excommunicated because he committed adultery. He doesn't go to church anymore. It’s been 11 years and he hasn’t come back or chosen a different religion either. So he is, for all intents and purposes, NOT MORMON. 

What about a divorced woman whose husband was still an active member of the Church and who paid tithing on his income? 

That would mean that tithing was already given for the child support, BEFORE she got the total awarded to her by law, right? So would THAT divorced mom need to pay tithing AGAIN for her "increase" of child support for the kids? I would think a bishop would think probably not ... and that means that woman wouldn’t need to take away from the support her children get in order to pay tithing. 

Mathematically, it’s like this: I receive $1000.00 per month. My ex doesn’t pay tithing, so that means if I do, I pay $100.00 in tithing (10%) and my kids get $900.00 to use for their needs.

But another woman whose ex pays tithing himself receives $1000.00 per month.  She doesn’t have to worry about tithing because her ex is already on top of that. So her kids get $1000.00 per month to use for their needs. 

So why do MY kids have to receive less support because their dad doesn't pay tithing, but another kid’s dad does? 

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You know that if the men in this church felt like things weren’t fair, they would absolutely raise hell about it.

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Here’s another scenario to speculate on: Going back to the dad who is active and pays tithing on his income before paying child support, if the bishop did feel like the mom should still pay tithing on her child support, does that mean the dad doesn’t need to pay tithing on that portion when he gets paid (and how is that fair for the mom and kids? Why is the responsibility on them?) Or does it mean that he expects them to both pay tithing, which is therefore a double portion? It’s something to think about.

Furthermore, if child support wasn't a thing and my ex just paid that amount of money to contribute to the kids’ needs without giving it TO me, I wouldn't be expected to make up the amount out of my pocket to pay tithing with it, right? Because it wouldn’t be MY or my kids increase, it would fully be my ex’s increase, and as a nonmember he isn’t expected to pay tithing. 

Why am I expected to pay tithing for my excommunicated, inactive, ex-husband? Is it somehow going to ensure his exaltation? Am I going to get “extra blessings” from paying more than other people are expected to?  We know better than that, right? I'm not. And I will have 10% less of the support I need for them—that I rarely get anyway. 

I know there's a question in the interview that asks if you have obligations to children or spouse that are unmet. Look, I'm not speculating about any specific person. But half the church is made of single people now, even though it’s unspecified what percentage of those are divorced or single parents. I also know that about half my ward is comprised of blended families, meaning one or both—mom or dad—have been divorced and are remarried to each other, and there is a mix of children from previous marriages between the two of them. In or out of the Church, statistically it’s unlikely that just because they are Mormon the parents who are supposed to get child support are actually getting their full share of child support. And we can probably pretty accurately assume that if a divorced—single or remarried, either works—mother is sitting in the congregation, there’s a divorced—single or remarried applies here too—father out there, too. Divorce and child support affects TWO parties. Not just one.

So how many men are being asked, and are answering honestly, that question about unmet obligations to their children or ex-spouse? There’s literally no information on this. Partially because of privacy that bishops adhere to when people discuss things in their confidence. So I don’t even know. But I feel like if this was common practice, we’d hear about it. You know that if the men in this church felt like things weren’t fair, they would absolutely raise hell about it. So I’m skeptical that it’s a situation that is adequately addressed. 

I just feel like this is one of those things ... a guy can say, "no I have no unmet obligation," and it's not questioned. But if I don't pay tithing on my child support, which isn't MY income, but my ex's income, my bishop might take away my recommend. Not only is this not really fair religiously, but it continues to put more weight on the shoulders of mothers and more emphasis on a woman’s responsibility to get everyone in her vicinity (including, apparently, the man she divorced and got away from) into heaven.

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First Sunday

by Sherri

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At Last She Writes It

by Josie Grover

I can tell you the exact moment it hit me, coming down

like a lightening bolt that filled my sleepy spiritual consciousness with an awareness that shouted, I feel small in this space. It was the adding of years of subliminal messages that overrode the direct ones coming from the pulpit. The voices speaking the words from the pulpit told me I was equal and blessed as a female member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I tried so hard to believe it.

I tried while my spiritual self worth was slowly being chipped away at. A little piece broke when I learned boys can serve missions for 2 years but girls serve for 18 months. It broke more when I found out polygamy was possibly an eternal doctrine. It broke a lot when I was told I should hearken to my husband and he will hearken to God. And a hundred more little moments like this wore away at the divine within me. It left me in a state of depletion with a defeatist attitude toward my own spiritual effectiveness.

So let’s return to that exact moment the switch took place, moving me suddenly from an attitude of ‘women are so blessed in this church’ to ‘ what am I doing here?’ It was as simple as a glowering look, unprovoked and undeserved, from a priesthood leader sitting on the stand. It was given for the simple reason that I was keeping my daughter home from a trip he had organized. This look was meant to intimidate, and when I turned my head up from the sacrament and saw his face, something intense was ignited. A sense of frailty, and with it indignation.

I feel small in this space, and I should not feel small in this space. I feel small where I am supposed to feel divinity, hope, and love. This does not work for me anymore. It has not been working for a while now. I cannot stay here.

So I left. I stopped going to sacrament meetings.

As with any person going through a sudden break from a life long faith perspective, I felt enraged and confused for a while. I searched, I pleaded. I bargained. I told God I did not want to go back inside the walls of that chapel but I would if He told me to. I would if He helped me know how to overcome the overwhelming maleness of it all, for lack of better a term.

The answers came and they came in big ways. My Savior showed up for me as He has his way of doing. As He came to the well. As He came to the town square. As he came to the empty tomb. He let me know that women in the church need each other for support. I was made aware in the most breathtaking way that women have every bit of the spiritual potential and insight that men do. By extension, I knew my spiritual worth and potential in ways the Church organization had not been able to communicate to me. The Spirit spoke to my heart more forcefully and majestically than all the platitudes of benevolence ever given by human men ever could.

We desperately need more equality shown to us, and not just explained about us. We are smart. We are insightful. When we are told men and women have equal partnership and we see men preside over every general meeting, we sense the disconnect. When we are told LDS women have more power and authority than women of other faiths who perform ordinations and lead congregations, we see the untruth. We don’t need it to sound better than it is. We just want to be shown that we are not small in this space.

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It was the month after I graduated from BYU.

I called it my "YOLO month" (YOLO—meaning you only live once), which meant that I said yes to everything. I went on trips. I saw places I had always wanted to see. I met new people. I said yes to dates. I flirted openly with anyone who caught my eye. I opened up more to friends. I shared my love and affection for them more unreservedly.

At the end of the month, I found myself filled with regret. Not because of anything I had done during YOLO month, but because of all of the things I had been missing out on before. I always felt like I had to say no, like I had to sacrifice having fun, spending time with friends, or being spontaneous, because I had to focus on studying. Because I had to be responsible. Because good Mormon girls are disciplined, self-denying, don't waste time, and don't goof off. For the first time in years, I felt free.

That month was so successful and brought me so much joy that I decided to extend it to YOLO summer and then YOLO year. At the end of that summer, my old roommate moved to New York City with an open spot in her apartment, and asked me if I wanted to move in with her. In the spirit of YOLO month, YOLO summer, and YOLO year, I said yes. 10 days later, I had moved to New York City. Three days after I arrived, I met my now husband.

The rest, as they say, is history.

—Audrey

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Mother of All

by Jennifer Alvi

Mother of All, by Jennifer Alvi

At the first Faith Matters Restore Conference, Carol Lynn Pearson gave an energetic charge for us to help bring Heavenly Mother back into our presence. After viewing the current options for Divine Feminine art, I felt inspired to use my fine art and photography background to create additional depictions to show an empowered woman in her prime, who is full of life. I felt she would be glorified with a majestic crown, adornment to her clothing (rather than just an angel-like female figure), with a strong sense of individuality!

It’s fitting that Mother of All was first in the series, as all life has been channeled through women … even from the very beginning. The Gospel Topic Essays state, “Our theology begins with heavenly parents. Our highest aspiration is to be like them.” My hope is that my small contribution will help give people more awareness about Her existence and presence in our lives! —Jen

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Contributors:

Sarah

Sarah is an amateur artist/musician, wife, mother, homemaker, and lifelong learner, with a STEM degree she hopes to someday use to make a difference. Some of her favorite things include good books, podcasts, food (both cooking and eating), long walks, petrichor, yoga, deep conversations, and the hilarious things her two young children say.

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Josie Grover

Josie was raised in a small town in southeast Idaho but now resides on the island of Oahu where she works as an ultrasound technologist. She is married to her best friend and has five children ranging from preteen to young adult. She spends almost all her free time in the ocean where she has been lucky enough to encounter eagle rays, monk seals, and dolphins.

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Jen Alvi

Jen Alvi is a multi-media artist trained in traditional Fine Art techniques, and is a Master Artist and Certified Professional Photographer. Her concepts begin with digital artwork, then are brought into the physical world with hand-painted or drawn embellishments. She is married, a mother of 4, lives in Meridian, ID, and is currently a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Jen wanted to share her vision and process so all of the Divine Feminine Series pieces have a “making of” video that can be accessed by using the free “Live Portrait” phone app and scanning the image. There are currently 8 in the series, available on her website and at Writ & Vision in Provo, UT.

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