My Journey
by Rebecca Bigelow
I joined the church at 31 when I met my husband.
We both wanted one religious education and faith tradition for our future family, and we chose the faith tradition that he was raised with. I just jumped in with the benefits of community and built in friendships, which I appreciated as a new mom in a new town. However I was really taken aback by all the things, so many things that I did not realize. I kept quiet, and just went along to get along as long as I could. My goal was to make it until our youngest graduated high school. Well, I didn’t make it. When our middle son wanted to go on a mission, my shelf exploded, my eyes opened up, and I couldn’t fake it anymore. I looked into the many issues I was uncomfortable with, and I am still recovering from the betrayal, manipulation, and my own self-suffocation I was trying to endure. This is all very heavy and negative, and so I’m also trying to remember the positives. Our kids had fun activities, and a moral education that they can draw from or not. There are benefits to belonging; however, I just can’t pick through the hurtful parts anymore. So I’m in a holding pattern now. I sprinkle in my thoughts here and there, but this is difficult to navigate with a husband that is still in but isn’t bothered by the hurtful parts. He can compartmentalize, and I can’t. I am increasingly true to myself though so that is where my healing has begun.
After years of hiding my head in the sand, my shelf exploded with the confluence of many factors. My youngest daughter entering Young Women and seeing the disparities, my middle son preparing to go on a mission, my oldest son wanting to go to BYU, Nelson’s Think Celestial talk, being asked to give a talk in sacrament meeting, a visit to my dentist, and the discovery that polygamy is still being practiced in the temple. I can’t give a tidy timeline or sequence of events, but all of those things were happening at once.
I feel I need to explain the dentist visit a little though. Once my middle son “put in his papers,” as they say, my husband and I were asked to give prayers, talks, etc. We had both been able to fly under the radar for a long while, but this brought our family into the Mormon forefront. I was asked to give a talk from conference, and I was determined to use only women speakers. I was teaching in Relief Society at the time, and I had already used my favorite talk; that left two. One I had major issues with, and one I could tweak enough to make it just about “You have heavenly parents that love you, You are on your own path, God’s love is unconditional, Nothing else matters.” Which in a nutshell was all that I ever said when asked to teach or speak. The following week I had a dental appointment, and my dentist is in my ward. At my appointment, he told me that he really appreciated my talk, and he told me that he had been on a long faith transition, and he only attends to sit with his wife. I was shocked and also just bubbling over that I wasn’t the only one! He sent me several names of other women in similar situations. I reached out to them and started talking. Talking, talking. And listening, listening to their stories. And I started looking into subjects that were always bristly to me. I learned so much about polygamy, patriarchy, purity and modesty culture, worthiness, tithing, the temple, the Church’s finances, sexism, racism, the LGBTQ policies, the Word of Wisdom, D&C Section 132, Joseph Smith’s “translations,” garments…
You name it, I looked into it. Mostly from the Church’s own website! I found the At Last She Said It community. I listened to every podcast and started participating in the chat. I educated myself finally and was appalled. I thought I was appalled before, now I’m disgusted…and mad.
However, I have a husband who takes only what he needs from the church and isn’t bothered by the other parts; and he is a staunch defender of the truth of the church. We have three kids that were raised in the church and are still in. Now…mom is having major troubles with 90% of the church, so what do we do now? They can’t all pivot just because I want them to. We are all on our own paths. So I’m in a holding pattern, trying to navigate what is really a mixed-faith marriage, and giving my kids alternate ways to look at all things churchy.
One story I can tell that will give a look into my mindset before my middle son left for his mission has to do with the temple. He started home MTC at the end of January and so in late fall/early winter I looked at my husband and said “Well, I guess we need to ask for interviews to go to the temple.” Neither of us had been in about 15 years. I was damned if I was going to let this keep me away from attending with him. I knew that he had to go for his endowments before his mission, and I didn’t want him to go without us. So we both made appointments. I just sucked it up and answered the way I interpreted the questions and got my recommend. When I got home, I looked at my husband and asked if he realized that “I was just in a locked room, alone, with a man in a position of power, answering questions about sex, money and underwear.” His jaw dropped to the floor, and he finally saw one of the church’s many issues. After going through all that and buying all the clothing that I needed, we went to my son’s endowment. I steeled myself for the part where they asked the women to cover our faces with the veil. That was the absolute worst part for me, and I resolved to refuse to do it. I went alone into the locker room, put on the hideous, hot, itchy, uncomfortable clothing and then sat out in the hall alone. My son and husband went to do the initiatory, so I sat and waited alone. They came and got me when they were done, and we went into the endowment room. I sat on the women’s side alone. The one happy part was that we didn’t have to veil our faces anymore! I endured the boring session and went up to the veil alone. I went through and got to sit in the celestial room with my son and husband but had to be quiet. I did get to give him a hug. Then went into the locker room alone and met them out in the hall to go home. It was a very lonely experience. I have never felt so separated from him. All that trauma, expense and emotional preparation to go to the temple with him, just to be completely alone.
I’m afraid I am losing him to the church. I want to tell him all I’ve learned about polygamy, the LGBTQ policies, church finances… But I save all of this for my therapist, and I focus on supporting him through his choices.
I have never cried so much during that time he was preparing to go. I continued crying practically every day when he left for months. I was under an incredible amount of stress, my body started rebelling against it, literally begging me for some relief. I started seeing a therapist. I took a break from church. I learned to meditate, went to Reiki sessions, retreats, sound baths, yoga, Pilates, and my husband even gave me a blessing. I have three tattoos and a new piercing. I’m writing about my thoughts. I am taking care of myself, reclaiming my authority, expressing myself to safe people, and being truer to myself.
For my husband and 2 of the kids, I talk to them occasionally about how I feel about certain issues, and only when the time is right. Initially I was so angry that I scared them, and they doubled down on church. Now, I tread lightly. For my son on his mission, he does not know anything about my journey. Our video calls are with the entire family, and we talk about the cultural experience and how he is doing. We tell him about what’s going on in our lives, show him the pets and the updates we’ve done to the house and yard. We talk about his sibling’s sports, band, college, and high school stuff, our work. He tells us about the food, service, what he does on P days, and what he needs us to send him. His emails are all about the lessons, who is “progressing” towards baptism, who is not…
Some of his letters make me cry. I see the indoctrination. I cringe at the colonialism and any mention of having the ‘“truth” or following commandments perfectly. I shudder when he quotes Benson or Brad Wilcox. I want to fly down and take him home before it’s too late. I’m afraid I am losing him to the church. I want to tell him all I’ve learned about polygamy, the LGBTQ policies, Church finances…
But I save all of this for my therapist, and I focus on supporting him through his choices. He chose this activity just like he chose marching band in high school. It’s just another one of his activities, and he is learning a new language and being exposed to a new culture. He is learning to live in an apartment in a very poor area with a roommate, he is cleaning his apartment and getting up early every morning. I focus on the service he is able to do, the English lessons he teaches, and the life lessons he is learning. However, I have been able to send him a few thoughts in writing. After general conference I send him a link to my favorite talks and tell him especially why I liked them. I told him that I really disliked the abortion talk by Anderson and why. I send him videos of very nuanced topics from BYU professors. I always talk about grace and unconditional love. I wrote him a long letter all about giving himself and others grace, that he is eternally and inherently worthy, and that his worthiness can never be measured by a checklist or interview. I wrote to him and tell him not to stress about numbers, that he can’t make decisions for other people, that relationships are the most important thing. I give occasional feedback to his weekly emails centering feminism and social justice just to give him a different viewpoint to think about. But mainly I just tell him that I love him and that I am proud of him.
I have a few months to ground myself and practice the differentiation that I will need when he returns home. I will focus on expressing unconditional love and understanding. I will be happy to finally have my boy home.
I Am A Product
by McKinsey
At Last I Write It
by Carol McCullough Colvin
Before I moved into my current ward,
I lived in the same house and went to church with the same set of Mormons for 31 years. Our family was the perfect picture of Mormon bliss. Over the years I served as a Primary teacher, choir pianist, Relief Society president, Gospel Doctrine teacher, and seminary teacher. And then it felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. When my oldest child came out as gay, I went from stunned and confused, to hopeful and zealous, to defeated and sad, to angry, all while clinging to a sense of duty to attend church every week. Finally, on advice from my therapist, who said I wasn’t doing anyone, least of all myself, any good by going if I couldn’t keep my angry thoughts from coming out of my mouth or showing on my face, I quit going. About six months later, after lots of processing, I felt calm enough to go back to church just for Relief Society. There were a few sisters I trusted to make space in their hearts for my feelings, and I found a somewhat fragile sanctuary with them. And then, just as I thought I might make it through sacrament meeting and even Sunday School without wanting to run away, COVID shut everything down.
Fast forward to four years ago. For several reasons, one of which was my desire to start fresh in a new ward and stake where no one knew the defeated, sad, or angry me, we moved to Oregon. As the masks came off, I met my new Relief Society sisters. I committed to being honest and vulnerable in talking about my faith journey, and as I did so, I learned I could trust them. I allowed them to be themselves, and I loved and served them wherever they were on the faith spectrum, and they learned they could trust me. I was asked by one sister to substitute teach in Gospel Doctrine a couple times, and recently I had the opportunity to teach Relief Society. This is my experience last month.
I was asked to cover Pres. Eyring’s conference talk, “Draw Near Unto Me.” Whenever I’m asked to teach, I read through the assigned talk to try to get a feel for what the speaker wants to have happen, and then I ask myself if Jesus would want the same thing. If the values of Jesus and the speaker align, I agree to teach from that talk. But these days I like to do things a little differently. I am not a fan of those lessons where the teacher distributes numbered quotes from the talk and they are read, one at a time – “who has number 7? Anyone?” - and we discuss them. I don’t think we need to cover the exact words of the speaker. I DO think it’s nice to cover the scriptures used in the talk and take them a bit further, a little deeper. That was fun with this lesson because the title of President Eyring’s talk comes from D&C 88:63. Much of the Doctrine and Covenants is now quite “itchy” for me—there’s no way in the telestial kingdom I would teach a lesson based on section 132, for example—but I’m sort of in love with section 88 and all its beautiful language about love, light, and Christ’s descent below all things so he could comprehend, or include, all things. This section is full of quantum physics!
I’m calmer these days but still vocal about supporting LGBTQ+ people, I wear pants, I have double ear piercings, and I made my own DIY sleeveless garments when the new designs came out as fast as I could find my scissors.
I was a bit apprehensive about how my lesson would be received, especially by some of the more conservative sisters in my ward, partly because the content of the lesson was a little “out there,” but mostly because I, myself, am still a little “out there.” I’m calmer these days but still vocal about supporting LGBTQ+ people, I wear pants, I have double ear piercings, and I made my own DIY sleeveless garments when the new designs came out as fast as I could find my scissors. I knew that some sisters would wonder why on earth I, of all people, would be asked to teach Relief Society, but at least most of them already knew and liked me. They were accustomed, after almost four years, to my edgy outfits and my constant droning on about how we all should love one another. But we had two new sisters in the ward that day and four visitors, and this was their first exposure to me.
The lesson went better than I imagined it would. I had a lot of participation, even from the visitors. Afterwards, one of the new sisters, an elderly widow from Utah, who seemed very conservative at first glance, came up and told me how much she enjoyed looking at the scriptures in a new way she hadn’t considered. Another sister said her mind was blown. The sister missionaries said they loved it. I got a text message from the former RS president, who loved that I referenced so many scriptures. My 83-year-old friend texted to thank me for the “energetic” lesson and said it gave her a lot to contemplate and work on. Even my sister’s 11-year-old granddaughter, who attended Relief Society because she wasn’t comfortable visiting Primary, said my “science presentation was really great.” No one had anything negative to say about my outfit—and a few said they liked it!
I went home that day feeling emotionally and spiritually uplifted by the support and love of my Relief Society sisters. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that level of safety in my faith community and been confident enough to be myself with no apologies and a genuine smile on my face. I think I’ll be okay here.
My Two Part Soul
by Gena Carpenter
From a listener
Faith Challenge started at the age of 37 years old when I realized I may never bear children since I am getting older. My patriarchal blessing states that I will be able to bring children into this world easily. I have had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in losing a fallopian tube. My husband and I adopted when I was 35 years old but I have yet to bear children. This has made me question everything. I still attend church but not sure if it is the only true church and if I want to still attend the temple and wear garments. No church leaders have been able to help me with my questions.
-Anonymous
Contributors:
Rebecca Bigelow
She is a solar-powered nature-lover that needs her feet in water, any type will do. Lakes, rivers, streams, but the ocean is the best. A tub in a pinch. Rebecca loves animals and volunteers for a dog rescue. She is a retired physical therapist and is married with three kids, a big garden, chickens, two dogs and a new kitten. She is an opinionated eco-feminist, and am getting better about not simmering at a low burn. Rebecca is more on the introverted side of the continuum and always the mediator. She loves the smell of rain and pine trees, and she is always trying to just figure this life out.
McKinsey
McKinsey is a product of the 90’s residing in Davis County Utah where she works a variety of jobs to support her family. She loves being her kids biggest advocate and cheerleader. She expresses herself through art and poetry when she has a free moment. She wakes up most mornings surprised by the middle aged lady in the mirror and wonders what it was all for.
Carol McCullough Colvin
Carol version 3.0 benefits from a thoughtful investment in R&D with her user group—one husband, 3 adult children, and a cat. Upgrades include a feminist module, rainbow vision, and a patriarchy/gaslighting alarm. This new version retains all of the sass and style of the 1962 model, but with more love. She will still beat you at Bananagrams, but she won’t gloat. After deleting box-checking and people-pleasing apps at the last reboot, there was room to install ballroom dancing and strength training. To experience the new Carol for yourself, come to Eugene, Oregon.
Gena Pratt Carpenter
Creative thinker and doer. Advocate. Storyteller. Mother of four and second-career law student seeking to make the world a better place. No, really. She is.
Thanks for supporting ALSSI! Join the conversation! Send us a voicemail, start a chat thread … or write a piece for a future Say More.
I remember realizing one day that being asked about my underwear by a man-often a relative stranger--alone in a room with him is not normal. Of course it's not! In any situation that's not the doctor's office (and depending on the context, possibly even the doctor's office), that ranges from creepy to sexual harassment. But for years, it was just so normal. It was like being punched in a gut. OF COURSE this is not OK. OF COURSE this is a crazy boundary violation. And OF COURSE our whole lives we're told this is totally fine and everyone else is doing it and I'm the weird one for feeling weird about it.