Say More: At Last She Writes It

No. 27 | November 2024

*A Word from our Curator*

“It’s complicated.”

It feels like those two words can explain every aspect of our current lives. Our careers, marriages, schedules, finances, relationships, requirements, necessities, desires. Every facet of life seems to require great difficulty in understanding, solving, or explaining. For many of us, our spirituality is no different: It’s complicated.

It’s a little phrase that explains nothing and means everything all at the same time. These two words are both simple and hold so much weight and meaning. “It’s complicated” has a negative connotation while implying a level of exhaustion and blasé.

I do not even have the energy to explain the situation to you.

To be honest, I’m sick of saying it. It’s trite and overused. I’m tired of using those two words to describe my spiritual journey. A quick google search brought up definitions for “complicated” and I scanned the online dictionary in hopes that I would find the perfect synonym to replace the worn-out phrase.  

Complicated (adjective)

consisting of parts intricately combined; difficult to analyze, understand, or explain

Challenging. Tangled.

Complex. Inexplicable.

Muddled. Incomprehensible.

 Snarled. Difficult.

Convoluted. Unfathomable.

The implied negativity wreaks havoc on my emotions and adds to the level of tension I feel about the liminal space I float in. I almost closed the webpage in exasperation, but instead I scrolled down.

Complicated (adjective)

made or done with great care or with much detail; as in sophisticated

Intricate. Deepened.

Detailed. Developed.

Varied. Expanded.

Exquisite. Intensified.

Elaborate. Involved.

As I scan this list, I see words that I actually appreciate. Synonyms that I feel explain the growth and goodness that exist in my liminal space as well. Not negative. Not blasé.

Well, damn.

It seems that, “it’s complicated” really is the best description of where I am.

*No matter how you define your spirituality, please give space and understanding for those of us for whom, “it’s complicated.”*

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Excommunication: Healing or Harm

by Carol Griffin

Note: I have seldom discussed my excommunication. Only three of my current close friends know about it and I discussed it with two of them just this last year. One was instrumental in my process to get rebaptized. I have talked about it with my recovery Sponsor. My husband knows and a couple of other family members. I felt it was time to become more open when I saw that D. Oaks was encouraging more excommunications and as I listened to Nemo the Mormon’s experience.

TW: Sexual Assault, Alcoholism

As I left the bishop’s office, the darkness of the evening

enveloped me. I wasn’t sure how I felt or how to even express it. In some ways it felt like my soul was being violently torn from my body. But, I also experienced relief at no longer having to be part of this organization that had caused me so much pain.

At the age of 22, I found myself excommunicated. I had come home on leave from the Navy and was contacted by my bishop who quickly set up a church court before I left again. I am really not sure what he thought it would accomplish. I wasn’t even involved in that ward. I was stationed in Tennessee at the time. I am not saying I was innocent of the charges, I just don’t know what good they possibly thought would come from my excommunication. Sitting in the room with no one by my side and being grilled about my sexual life by four older men was pretty intense. I was in the clutches of my alcoholism at that time. I was a black-out drinker with all the debris that brings. I had been sexually attacked by a group of men about three months before in a brutal manner and my mind was in a state of despair. I knew in no uncertain terms that I was a piece of garbage and belonged in a dumpster. It would be another five years of hell before I would stop drinking. When I finally got sober in the Long Beach Naval Hospital, it would come at the price of seizures, hallucinations and temporary psychosis. It is truly a miracle I am alive today and somewhat sane, though some of friends might dispute the sane part.

All of these memories of despair came flooding back recently as I heard D. Oak’s recommendation that bishops should have more excommunications. He seems to feel that people need to be punished more. “The Church action required for repentance is not a punishment that mercy can forego.”

In All Things New, Fiona and Terryl Givens question whether we have to suffer for our sins. They suggest what we actually need is healing from our woundedness. Surely I was in a state of extreme woundedness. Did I need healing or did I need punishment?

I think D. Oaks would suggest that punishment brings us to healing. I believe from my experience that he is wrong. Did excommunication help me find my way back to Christ? I absolutely do not think so. So do we excommunicate people simply for punishment or is it really to help them heal? I know that not everyone’s experience is mine and that some who have been excommunicated absolutely feel it was for their good. That was not my experience. As I look back at that very lonely young woman on that dark and gloomy night, I simply want to put my arms around her and tell her that she is loved and that somehow we can make it.

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Role-modeling and love did so much more for me than punishment and abandonment.

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I did end up returning to church several years later, but it certainly wasn’t because I had been abandoned at a moment of extreme need. Two wonderful women came into my life. Jean was the wife of one of the guys in the shop where I worked and happened to be Mormon. It was Jean who eventually convinced me I needed to get help and find sobriety. As much as I tried to get her out of my life, she was simply always there. I was pretty tough in those days, but she held on. She always let me know that she loved me and wanted me to get well. After getting sober I found Tony. She became my recovery sponsor and happened to be a reborn Christian. I knew she loved me and also just wanted me to get well. The influence of these two caring women allowed me to eventually turn my life over to Christ. I am not sure why I choose to return to the Mormon faith. I never felt Jean expected me to get rebaptized. She always just accepted me where I was. I guess in the end, I just really liked what she had and I wanted to be like her. Role-modeling and love did so much more for me than punishment and abandonment.

In the spirit of full disclosure, The Church did not work well for me after being rebaptized. I always felt I lived in a state of cognitive dissonance. I actually had a relapse in my sobriety about 10 years after I married a wonderful man in the temple. It didn’t help that I was in a Relief Society presidency at the time. I eventually managed to get sober again and he stood by me. Our relationship has remained strong. I currently have 24 years of sobriety. My husband and I recently celebrated 40 years of marriage.

I seriously doubt that punishment ever helps one to truly get back on track. This whole thought process goes back to the idea of a penal substitution theory of atonement. We must suffer a punishment for our sins. The only way around this is to live such a good life that Christ will suffer for our sins instead. There are so many problems with this theory. Do we really believe that there is an angry God out there that is so vicious, he requires an innocent being to suffer horribly for us? I just don’t think so anymore.

There are many good books and other sources that discuss this, but All Things New by Fiona and Terryl Givens is a good starting place. They point out how we’ve inherited from later Christianity a conception of atonement that focuses on being “saved from depravity and damnation” rather than being “healed and empowered.” It really hit home as I read, “The most fruitful way of considering sin may not be to see it as an evil that leads to a hell from which we must be saved but rather as a wound that needs to be healed.”

From All Things New we read, “Our point is that Christ’s language and ministry clearly indicate that from His perspective, as the story of the ‘woman who loved much’ clearly tells us, sinning is a type of woundedness, like blindness or illness or lameness; it is an infirmity, a brokenness. As Healer, He ministers to the entire range of our afflictions: psychological, emotional, physical, and spiritual. The story of the ‘sinful’ woman in particular has incredible potential to shift the emphasis in our relationship to Christ, from that of sinner and Savior to one of wounded and Healer.”

I have no idea what God is at this point in my life. I have come to believe in a Higher Power of sorts. I actually don’t believe this power has a body and I don’t think it is gendered. But I believe very strongly in the concepts that Christ and Buddha taught. I believe we need to find love and compassion for others. I believe we need to find healing to do this. I absolutely do not believe that being cut off is the way to find that healing. In conclusion let me just emphasize that we heal through the love and compassion of others. It is in following their example that we can find peace and joy in our lives.

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I didn’t say “Amen”

by Gena Carpenter

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From a listener

Dearest Susan and Cynthia, 

Thank you for your podcast. It makes me feel less alone while wading through the mire that is my relationship with the church. 

I would say that for a long time, probably easily over a decade, I've been unsettled by actions the church has taken. In particular, the attitudes of local bishops, the antagonism towards the LGTBQIA+ community from the larger church body, the church's refusal to apologise for the travesty of the temple and priesthood ban, the protection of sexual predators over victims, the racism and misogyny, and how the church misuses scripture to reinforce its power plays. There are more things I could list, but basically, the phrase that keeps on going through my mind is:

By their fruits ye shall know them. 

My view of God does not include a God of racism and misogyny, overly obsessed with the views and mores of white, older, US men of privilege and power, instead of the global church we pretend to be. 

By their fruits ye shall know them. 

The clarity is this: if there is rotten fruit, I don't need to listen to the voices of those that lead. 

It means that I'm adrift and haven't yet decided whether to stay and embrace the parts I do care about, or to leave. My therapist suggested that I start my own church. The thought has occurred to me before. We shall see. 

Tossed upon the waves of indecision, 

- Eleanor

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Contributors:

Blakelee Ellis

I am an energetic, creative, extrovert who loves dance, photography, cooking and baking. My favorite form of self care is reading a good book in a comfy chair. I am continuing to deconstruct, grow, love and learn more about myself. I have been married for 15 years and have three children.

I am so thankful to be a part of the ALSSI team and connect with so many other women.

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Carol G

I am a seeker first and foremost. I have spent my whole life looking for truth and have come to the obnoxious conclusion that truth isn’t all it is hyped up to be. At this point in my life, what is really important to me is how I live my life on a daily basis. I am a ravenous reader and will often have 10 books I am currently reading. I love to spend time in my garden. If you can’t find me inhaling my latest book or coaxing my plants to thrive, I will probably be at the jail working with women inmates on addiction recovery. My husband and I travel quite a bit. We have now traveled in all of the states except Alaska and I have two trips planned for Alaska this summer. As far as life experiences go, I am a veteran of the US Navy. I am a retired math teacher by profession. I have taught at high schools and at Weber State and currently spend a lot of time tutoring others. I am the wife of a wonderful husband, the mother of five very talented sons, and the grandmother of 17 grandkids whom I love dearly.

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Gena Pratt Carpenter

Creative thinker and doer. Advocate. Storyteller. Mother of four and second-career law student seeking to make the world a better place. No, really. I am.  

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