Say More: At Last She Writes It
No. 8 | January 2024
Egalitarianism
by Tracy Carwin Barrionuevo
Years ago, my young daughter made a simple observation
that has stayed with me ever since. We were discussing what she wanted to be when she grew up. The feminist in me was thrilled to seize the moment and tell her that she could be or do anything she wanted in this world! Her simple reply was, “but not at church.”
“But not at church.”
I recently returned to teaching in a public school district in Colorado after staying home with my young children for what felt like a very long 15 years—another story for another day. At my current school my principal is a man, and my assistant principal is a woman. They usually sit side by side at the front of our staff meetings. I plan and co-teach my civics class with two men. At my former school, my principal was a woman and my assistant principals were a woman and a man. I worked on a team of teachers where my team lead was a man, and in a department where my chair was a woman. My district superintendent is a woman who recently replaced a retiring man. You get the idea: My working world in secondary education is as close to egalitarian as I’m likely to ever see. Can you imagine the limitations on talent, knowledge, perspective, experience, representation, skills, and more if all of these educational leadership positions were only open to one gender? Only men OR only women—it would seem ridiculous.
We don’t have to imagine the absurdity of what that would look like, however, because we live this incongruity every day in our church organization.
At church the principal is a man and the two assistant principals are men. The superintendent is also a man as are all the members of the local and state boards of education. The secretary of education is also a man as are all of his closest associates. My department chair can be a woman (who is chosen by the men and must defer to their authority in all things), but she can only lead the departments of other women, young women, or children. At the church building, I see only men in the physical offices, only men sitting on the stand as leaders with authority, and only men seated at the table in the meetings where final decisions are made.
“But not at church.”
In the voicemail shared by Melanie on ALSSI episode 159, she reports that wards in her area were told that Relief Society presidents, who had been sitting on the stand with the bishopric during sacrament meeting, needed to stop this practice immediately as they were "a distraction."
In 2020 the Church published an article in the New Era magazine titled, What is the Church's stance on feminism? After stating support for feminist efforts to ensure "basic human rights and basic fairness for women," the article goes on to say, "…sometimes certain philosophies and social movements bearing the feminism label advocate extreme ideas that are not in harmony with the teachings of the gospel. These can lead people to become distracted from (or even work against) the ideals of marriage and family. Latter-day Saints frown upon such things" (emphasis added).
In my world outside of church, women in leadership are not distractions to the ideals of marriage and family. Women in the world have authority and they use it to lead, just like men. Women in the world also have successful marriages and families while leading if they so choose, just like men. Since being human affects us all, women leaders in the world also have personal, marital, and family challenges as all men and women do, inside or outside of the Church.
“But not at church.”
At my school women are not assigned to organize and cook a dinner or lunch if the superintendent visits instead of being included in the meetings. We don’t assign only the women to bring meals, give rides, care for children or check in on co-workers when life challenges one of our own; we all take care of each other. Women are capable and trusted to handle finances at work. They occupy the physical offices in our school building. Women sit at the table where final decisions are made. We do not separate the teenagers at school by sex and teach them different curriculums with gendered expectations for their futures. We do not hold separate meetings for female and male colleagues. We recognize, appreciate, and even celebrate difference in our community. We value and seek to understand and learn from those with experiences and perspectives very different from our own. When we come up against a practice or policy we do not understand or agree with, our staff at school is explicitly encouraged to “ask why?” and to ask “who is they that said we have to?”
We forget that we do not corner the market on right, truth, or even revelation.
So, based upon these juxtaposed experiences I have at Church and in “the world”, I naturally question the mindset that we have all the answers in the Church and thus we are doing it God’s way. We forget that we do not corner the market on right, truth, or even revelation. Working in my particular corner of the world is feeling more impactful, more just, more equal, more rewarding, and more appealing to me than working/serving in the Church has.
“But not at church.”
Sadly, with all of this swirling in my soul, I often sit uncomfortably in the pew on Sundays seeing and hearing mixed messages that feel off in the church I have loved my whole life. Men hold the keys and offices of the priesthood, but women have priesthood authority and use it in the temple. President Nelson said we need women “to speak up and speak out” in the councils of the Church, but not about feminism, and definitely don’t ask for women to sit on the stand or attend all the leadership meetings. We are equal partners at home, but men still preside over women there as they do in every aspect of the Church. We have Heavenly Parents, but we can only pray to Heavenly Father and we should not talk too much about a Heavenly Mother—that becomes a distraction. We are “all alike unto God,” except when we are not. I could go on. I am left to ponder how if loving, just, omnipotent, omniscient, all-encompassing Gods, to whom “all are alike,” are really at the center of all of this, and I believe they are, then…
Why not at church?
Mother’s Blessings
by Michelle Bulsiewicz
A family in my ward blessed a set of twin girls recently. It was nothing
out of the ordinary, except that after the father had blessed the first baby girl, he walked back to the pew where the mom sat with the other twin. She stood up and walked to the end of the pew to trade babies with him.
Perhaps women taking more active roles in the Church is just on my mind lately, because something about that moment caught my attention. For a second, I could picture them not just trading babies, but taking turns. I imagined the father sitting down and the mother going up to the front to give the second twin a blessing right from her mother’s lips. From the woman who bore her and her twin sister inside her body, who underwent surgery to deliver them, who pumped breastmilk all day long to feed them while they were in the NICU and after they came home.
Then I pictured both parents going up and doing the blessings together, both contributing their hopes and dreams and love for their brand new daughters. Wouldn’t that be beautiful?
I’ve heard opinions that a father’s blessing of his child is a special moment he deserves. In this line of thinking, the woman is center stage when she gives birth. She visibly carries the baby inside her, is showered with gifts and attention, gets to feel the baby moving in her womb. A mother gets to have a special bond that a father is left out of. Thus, a father’s baby blessing helps equalize the situation, gives him some attention, lets him focus on his relationship with his new child.
There is some truth to this viewpoint, but it leaves out a lot. For one thing, in our church the father is already centered as the ‘presider,’ the ‘patriarch.’ Having him exclusively perform the baby blessing only confirms his place as the spiritual leader of his family. Meanwhile, the mother who sacrificed her body, her sleep, her health, her time—willingly (we hope), lovingly, but sacrificed nonetheless—is expected to sit quietly in her pew, head bowed, submissive. She cannot actively participate in this moment that marks the beginning of her child’s spiritual life, her baby’s welcoming into her or his religious community.
How I long for women to be able to openly act as priestesses, as we’re declared in the temple.
It goes back to equating motherhood and the priesthood. They’re completely separate roles. Motherhood and fatherhood are one thing, priesthood and priestess-hood another. And how I long for women to be able to openly act as priestesses, as we’re declared in the temple.
I’m sure most of us in this community are aware that in the early church women did perform blessings, especially those of healing. LDS Living has an article from 2017 that quotes Joseph Smith as saying, “There could be no more sin in any female laying hands on the sick than in wetting the face with water.” Women even used to perform washing and anointings for pregnant women before they gave birth. So, it’s not an absurd, unheard of, impossible idea that maybe one day we’ll get back to that more active participation—and then some. Maybe one day mothers will get to stand up in front of the congregation proudly holding their babies together with their partner, proclaiming for the world how they intend to raise their children equally, together. Imagine what a difference that could make.
Where?
by Brittany Jensen
One Woman’s Relationship With the Priesthood
by Cambria Godfrey
I have been a member of the church my whole life. I grew up receiving blessings from my father. I received a patriarchal blessing. I received blessings from bishopric members when I was given callings in my young women’s classes. At college as a young adult I was given blessings by my bishop to guide me in making decisions. I was taught my whole life to “seek guidance from priesthood leaders” when going through a trial. I was taught that priesthood blessings can heal and bring about miracles.
As a young newlywed I felt like I had closer access to the priesthood than ever before. My husband was always willing to give me blessings of healing or comfort and I trusted in his priesthood power. While going through a particular challenge, I felt like I needed extra strength. Instead of praying to God myself I asked my husband for a blessing. Afterwards I had an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I pushed it away but it came back again a few weeks later when I asked my husband to give one of our children a blessing. This time I “pulled the thread.” As I sat with this feeling and reflected on my experiences with priesthood blessings throughout my life I realized that I believed that God would respond to priesthood blessings more than I believed he would respond to my own prayers. I feel like this belief had been floating around in my subconscious for sometime but once it surfaced and I was able to name it, I was taken aback.
During every saving ordinance there was a man between me and God.
At first I tried to convince myself it was completely my fault for believing this. After all, one of the key points of President Nelson’s ministry has been personal revelation. But the more I started to unpack and heal from this belief the more I was able to have compassion for myself. I realized that somewhere along the way I had internalized the idea that men have a higher, more direct access to God than I did. And why wouldn’t I? During every saving ordinance there was a man between me and God. If one of my children was sick I could pray for them, but if they were REALLY sick my husband could give them a healing blessing. Although growing up I was taught that I could pray to God, I think there was a much greater emphasis on trusting priesthood leaders than trusting myself. Eventually I stopped trusting myself altogether and instead started relying completely on priesthood leaders, at least when it came to things that mattered.
Currently I am taking a break from asking for blessings and instead am working on building a more personal relationship with God, learning to trust them and trust myself. But now that I have seen the harm that such a strong emphasis on priesthood power (and therefore men) has caused, it’s hard to unsee. And while I think there is a place for priesthood blessings and I know not everyone internalizes the message that I did, I mourn for the younger me that lost faith in herself.
Self
by Camilla Alves
They stripped me of my sense of self
and clothed me with their own values,
making me believe what was underneath was impure and unholy,
but I ask you,
How unholy can a 12-year-old be?
I was a child.
Already wrapped in inadequacy
with a pretty bow on.
Because I had to look pretty,
For I was a prize to be won.
Because God forbid I own anything or own up to myself.
I was taught that I had to fit in a mold
A mold way too small for my heart.
A heart that longed for freedom to feel, to be, to love
to love not only those like me, but everyone else.
A heart full of empathy, sensitive to others and understanding
A heart that needed to be free.
Maybe, just maybe that was a value to me.
One that I never declared every Sunday standing up
while so many others were drilled into my brain.
Because while I followed their rules,
blind obedience and freedom
could never coexist.
Or maybe because the straight and narrow path
left no room for detours.
A map that only worked if I never deviated,
that never took into account my needs and wants,
That taught me to doubt myself and trust others.
Turns out I had no worth if I wanted something different.
How dare I be so selfish?
When in reality my selflessness
led me to my biggest acts of selfishness?
I’ve thrown away that map.
I follow a compass.
A compass instilled in my heart.
Because my heart is good and so am I.
I follow a direction of love and compassion,
where I judge less and feel more.
Not self-less or self-ish,
because just my SELF is enough.
Choosing the Word God in Prayer
by Natasha Wunderlich
Every ALSSI podcast guest answers the question, “Tell me something you know.” Sometimes the answers vary. But when listening, I’ve found that many of these truths are universal. I’m starting this writing the same way, by answering the question, “What is something I know?”
I know that God is more than anyone can comprehend.
We live in a world that changes constantly in good and bad ways. There are amazing advances in technology, medicine, and society coupled with backwards movements for women and the earth. There is absolutely no way all these advances, and the complexity of humanity, result in a God that is as cut and dry as the LDS faith puts forth.
Recently I was asked to give a prayer at sacrament meeting—the Christmas one. I honestly hate praying in public. I’m a convert from Catholicism, and personal non-scripted prayer was always a quiet individual thing. Praying in public makes me uncomfortable. But what really makes me uncomfortable is opening a prayer with “Dear Heavenly Father.” Why? Because I don’t believe in praying just to Heavenly Father. In my private prayers it is never Heavenly Father, it is always God, or sometimes Heavenly Mother. But never, ever, has it been just Heavenly Father.
I don’t want to pick and choose between them.
I have a Heavenly Mother, if our scriptures are to be believed, and I want her help too. I’m a little like an ancient Greek in that I believe there’re probably things that Heavenly Mother will be more responsive to than Heavenly Father. I don’t want to pick and choose between them. Furthermore, I think Heavenly Father is rather tightly laced and compact; an easy idea for us to understand without having to search and struggle with the idea that maybe there’s really a more expansive idea out there. I don’t like binding myself or my thought process like that.
So back to the concept of God. What if God is both of them? What if God entails the whole spectrum of human existence—LGBTQIA+, all types of races and ethnicities, and every facet of gender we can think of? Wouldn’t it be more inclusive to pray to God? Then I’m not eliminating at least half of the human experience when praying and asking for help. So I choose God.
…nothing happened. Except in my heart.
When I walked up to give the opening prayer—at the Christmas sacrament meeting—I knew it might cause some eyebrows to raise. Especially my husband’s. But I did it anyway. I opened with “Dear God,” instead of the more traditional “Dear Heavenly Father.” You know what happened? Nothing. Not a thing. No one asked me to never pray in public again. No one chastised me. I’m going to guess that no one actually noticed. Not one person came and asked me why (in truth I was hoping someone would so I could open a discussion). My kids simply smiled at me because they already knew I was going to do that (a different discussion for a different time). But nothing happened. Except in my heart.
I finally felt a little sliver of the peace I’d been searching for. Attending sacrament meeting and listening to prayers and talks has not given me peace recently. It’s made me combative and filled with conflict over who I am versus what is being said. What to me was a huge decision with possibly huge repercussions, had done nothing but give me peace. Which is what prayer is supposed to do. It gave me peace, and it gave me some sense of loyalty to myself. That I can live with.
Isn’t this a great space? We hope you’ll share ALSSI with anyone you think might benefit from our community. More voices, please!
Contributors:
Tracy Carwin Barrionuevo
I find meaning in observing, listening, thinking, feeling, traveling, reading, learning, participating, parenting, partnering, connecting with others, teaching, mentoring, laughing, and just being. One thing I know is that I have a lot to learn.
Michelle Bulsiewicz
Originally from San Jose, California, I now reside in Salt Lake County with my husband and two boys. I am the former assistant arts and entertainment editor at Deseret News and, in what little spare time I have, I like to write novels, read obsessively, and practice yoga.
Brittany Jensen
I’m a nurse, wife, mother of three, and budding feminist. I’m a seamstress and love creating things. I’m learning to use my voice for good, for change, for righteous anger, but most importantly, for love.
Cambria Godfrey
Wife, and mother to three energetic kids. When I'm not actively taking care of my kids I can most likely be found reading, organizing, or watching Gilmore Girls (again).
Camilla Alves
I am a Brazilian photographer, currently living in Orlando,FL. I love writing, listening to music and spending time with my husband and 4 children.
Natasha Wunderlich
I'm a weightlifting, BJJ-loving, Polish, mid-40s woman from California. I have a husband, 2 teens, and a dog. I'm an adult convert to the LDS faith from Catholicism. I've had a varied work career from martial arts instructor, college instructor, small business owner, traveling photographer, and most recently consultant. I've been to all 50 states, and a lot of the world. My dream is to be living in a house that cleans itself that is in a forest and has a walking path to the beach—where things grow in the garden that I don't have to take care of because I have a black thumb. I'm writing for ALSSI because I'm working on finding my peace, and this has been such a helpful community, I'd like to give back where I can. I'm hoping my words help someone as much as these words have helped me.
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In the November 2023 afternoon session of conference, Gerrit Gong said "Please counsel with and listen to sister leaders." Funny, not funny, that during that session there were zero sister speakers. Seriously, how un-aware are these guys? I've found that if they have to say it, then it isn't happening. If they have to give an entire talk on the importance of women, then women really aren't important. If they have to tell us to listen to and counsel with women, then we aren't. As Tracy wrote so eloquently, women and men can work and serve side by side without any issue and to great benefit to everyone. It has also been my experience that the women who are in positions of authority and leadership in my workplace are also dedicated and loving mothers (3 currently expecting as I type this). I mean, come on! It's just ridiculous that we can't figure this out as an institution.
Seeing the organization of the church laid out as if it was a business organization (education in this instance) gave me so many feelings! I sit in business meetings five days a week, so it just spoke to me clearly in a language I hadn’t used for church yet. It’s going to take some time to work through the pit in my stomach. So powerful!