We Have A Mean Streak In Mormonism
by Cynthia Winward
I once overheard a family member— whom I love dearly—
several decades ago say that girls who have premarital sex deserve to get pregnant as a punishment for their sins.
I witnessed this convo between a male family member who was in a heated discussion with other female family members. They were trying to convince him his attitude was cruel. Why would anyone ever want a difficult life for a young girl? I had at least five cousins who became teenage mothers so this was a big topic in my big Mormon family growing up. The adults probably had no idea I had listened to this convo. (I was one of those kids who preferred to sit and listen to the grown-ups rather than go play with my cousins.)
Just revisiting this experience in my thoughts makes me want to write a whole ‘nother essay about the strictness of the law of chastity. Does it do more harm than good? Maybe I’ll write that another day. (Also, stay tuned for a podcast episode in March with therapist C.A. Larson about purity culture/law of chastity….can we ever talk about that enough?) But today I just want to focus on the mean streak that I see in Mormonism—in my childhood and sadly still now.
Perhaps a mean culture exists because in high-demand religions we often sacrifice so much (sometimes happily, sometimes reluctantly) that we need there to be Big Consequences for these sacrifices? We want the blessings of sacrifice, but maybe more so, we also want to make sure there is a punishment for those who break the rules? We religious types have a lot of feelings about the idea of anybody ‘getting away’ with ‘sin’.
I know all this because—as embarrassed as I am to admit it—I used to be one of those people that loved to conjure up the mental scoreboard when the consequences of ‘sin’ became evident to me. I learned it best from my religious community—to mentally ‘finger wag’ at sinners. That’s not an excuse for my mean thoughts, just an explanation that I did learn this behavior somewhere, from someone. In particular, I learned it from my own leaders.
Teachings such as these—
“If a person hasn’t suffered, he hasn’t repented. . . . He has got to go through a change in his system whereby he suffers and then forgiveness is a possibility.”
–Dallin Oaks quoting Spencer Kimball“You cannot commit a little sin without being subject to the consequences.”
–Russell M. Nelson“This clearly sets forth the ultimate banquet of consequences and the cumulative impact of choices not in accordance with the Father’s plan of happiness.”
- Quentin L. Cook“Therefore I command you to repent… otherwise you shall suffer… how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not.”
–Doctrine & Covenants 19:15–18
The language of these teachings is vivid, threatening, and physical—suffering is framed as deserved. Not only do we preach about the judgment of others’ sins, but we also have teachings that turn that mean voice of condemnation inward—
“For our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us;”
(Alma 12:14)
This internal judgment then becomes our own prosecutor. And prosecutors of self naturally become prosecutors of others. Or maybe we prosecute others first and then turn that judgment inward? Whichever comes first, in my observation, we have developed a culture of meanness. We flog others and we flog ourselves. If there is any breaking of a law, or a commandment, we demand—and revel in—swift justice. For example, how often during the current warrant-less immigration raids occurring in the US have I heard Mormons say, ‘well they broke the law.’ Why is that what gets typed out on social media thousands of times a day? Like here—
As followers of Jesus (who was once a refugee displaced in a foreign land!) why isn’t mercy always our default? Why doesn’t kindness and respect, which are the actual core teachings of Jesus, come before (or instead of) Article of Faith 12 in that social media comment? Why are we okay with people in windowless detention centers, being separated from their families? Why do we favor laws—even unjust laws—over kindness, compassion, and mercy? Why hasn’t my church joined the many other churches decrying the current inhumane treatment of immigrants? The most current statement from January 2025 says, first and foremost, that “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints obeys the law.”
I remember an experience I had as a teen. A couple of my friends had submitted their mission papers—only there was a problem. They didn’t have legal status in the US. Our stake president wrestled with this dilemma and ultimately he decided (with leaders at the top, I assume) that mercy would guide his decision. My friends were allowed to serve missions stateside where their legal status wouldn’t be an issue. Mercy over law. Bless him. I am sure stories like this are still happening today, quietly at the local level, but why haven’t leaders at the top made another statement clarifying where they stand on current events today?
A world of hurt and harm has happened since the last immigration statement, yet Church leaders remain silent. Jesus, however, was not silent. In the Bible we repeatedly see Him choosing mercy over law—
What about the woman caught in adultery? (Or as I like to call it, the men caught in hypocrisy.) She is brought to Jesus, but he refuses to condemn her even though the punishment for adultery (well, for adulterous women) was death. He doesn’t deny the law, but he refuses to weaponize it. Jesus chose dignity and compassion over judgment. (John 8)
What about healing on the sabbath? Jesus says, “Is it lawful to do good or to do harm on the Sabbath, to save life or to kill?” (Mark 3:4) Jesus breaks a law to relieve suffering. In this example He directly challenges any theology that treats rule-keeping as morally superior to human care.
What about the parable of the good Samaritan? In this parable it’s the people most obedient to religious law that fail morally, while the heretical Samaritan succeeds. “Which of these three, do you think, was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of the robbers?” He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” (Luke 10:37-38) To Jesus it is mercy, not correctness, that defines righteousness.
Those are just three examples! I could list many more examples where Jesus chose mercy over the law, over and over. As Richard Rohr writes in Dancing Standing Still,
“Jesus is always on the side of the crucified ones. He changes sides in the twinkling of an eye to go wherever the pain is. He is not loyal to one religion, to this or that group, or to the worthy; Jesus is always loyal to suffering.”
May we check any meanness in our hearts.
May we bury our lust for justice and consequences.
May we choose the better way of mercy, as Jesus perfectly modeled for each of us.
Cynthia Winward
“I constantly hope and pray that if we err, we will err on the side of mercy.”
–Gordon B. Hinckley in his biography, Go Forward with Faith
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I love it! Err on the side of mercy. I also think church members can be so mean because of the persecution roots of the church. It has to hurt to be worth it. Sacrifice brings greater blessings. If I have to suffer, you should too. Can't get anything for free...
This really resonated with me. As I too would rather listen to the adults talk than play outside with the other kids. I wanted to hear the “good stuff”. And yet in my experience I feel as if all that you wrote was also my life. Condemnation without mercy. I love the line, “err on the side of mercy.” I absolutely love that line and do try to use it in mg own life. Thanks Cynthia. It’s so nice to hear someone voice my thoughts and concerns better than I’d be able to.