“Differentiation of self is being a unique individual while maintaining connection with people you love,” explains Dr. Julie Hanks. “We’ve been trained, particularly as women, to be enmeshed—to feel other people’s pain for them. And that does no one any good. It doesn’t help them, and it doesn’t help us.” On Episode 239, Dr. Hanks joins Cynthia and Susan for a conversation about enmeshment. It has been a core theme in her 30 years of practice as a therapist in Utah, working with families in which “the boundaries are not clear at all and everything’s everyone’s business.” So why are some Latter-day Saints prone to focusing too much on the lives and choices of their children or other family members? Does our church have teachings that actually promote family enmeshment?
Notes & Quotes:
Connect with Dr. Hanks:
Website: www.drjuliehanks.com
Instagram: @drjuliehanks
ALSSI Ep. 143, Get Used to Disappointment
ALSSI Ep. 26, Who’s In Charge Here?
In the 1990’s, I learned the word ‘co-dependent’ while attending ALANON meetings and hearing the stories of women whose lives were in heavy turmoil due to the alcohol addiction of someone in their lives. I recall finally understanding that these women came to see that they based their choices and behavior by first looking to their alcoholic's actions. They made excuses for them, coddled them, railed on them, etc. all hoping to change their loved one. They had to learn to ‘detach with love’ and make sound decisions for themselves. It was clearly very difficult to learn to differentiate between codependent behavior and healthy love for self and others.
Around this time I went to a Women’s Conference held at BYU. It was held in the ballroom of the Wilkinson Center, which is huge-easily held 300 women. I don’t recall what the talk was about but at one point, we were asked to jot down any questions that we might have and the speaker would try to answer them. Paper was passed out and for some reason I ended up with a small, bright yellow piece of paper. I jotted the words, “I think I am co-dependent upon the Church.’ I knew I didn’t make choices without first referring to the Church’s stance whether the rating of a movie or what I wore, did or thought. I first went through the ‘Church’. Always first. And actually resented it but was too afraid to trust my own thoughts.
I passed my yellow post-it note down the row and watched it be added to piles of white messages from other rows and on up the aisleway. It continued up to the podium, where I watched one woman read it and show it to another woman. After they conferred, it was eventually handed to the speaker who read it. I don’t recall the answer she gave, just the fact that it was acknowledged-shocked me. And secretly delighted me that maybe, I had a valid thought, that maybe, there was another way to 'be'.
Sounds like a MUST listen for me right now!