Episode 144: Messages to our Daughters | Part 2—To our Young Selves
If you had the opportunity, what would you say to young Latter-day Saint girls about things like patriarchy, priesthood, women’s roles, the messages they receive at church, and how those messages should be weighted as they approach the big life decisions ahead? What would you say to your own young self? Episode 144 is Part 2 of our conversation about things ALSSI listeners want the Church’s kids to know, and/or wish we’d heard ourselves.
Notes & Quotes:
Girls Can’t Do That, But Why Not?, Medium, by Kandis Lake, 05/11/2023
Cynthia & Susan’s Letters to our Younger Selves
Dear Cynthia,
I would tell my younger self that when making important life decisions, it is important to listen to my elders—my parents, my teachers/professors, and the prophets—but it’s more important to listen to my own intuition, hopes and desires.
Just recently I realized that the prophets during my formative years were old men who were born in the 1800s. I am a woman born in the 1970s. I can’t think of two more disparate life experiences than mine compared to theirs. What made me think that what they advised for my life—mainly, that righteous and selfless women forgo careers to raise children full time—was what was best for my life? People who do not live with the consequences of my decisions should not get a vote.
Sometimes I wonder if I had never taken that ‘Teachings of the Living Prophets’ class at BYU in 1993 would I have absorbed those teachings about women working outside the home so deeply? Maybe not, but maybe I would have anyway because teaching women to ignore their ambitions in favor of homemaking was everywhere I turned– In church lessons, modeled in my own home, in General conference talks, and yes at BYU where we went over Benson’s talk, To the Mothers in Zion, with a fine tooth comb. So if I could back, I would tell my younger self, find your passions and pursue them wholeheartedly.
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Dear Susan,
I know childhood has been hard for you, but that’s not your fault. Your childhood has some pretty hard things in it, so guess what? You’re doing great! In fact, you might be my hero. You do things that scare you every day, and that’s downright amazing. Also, I know you don’t want to hear this because it sounds like something a mother would say, but the thing about mothers is they know us, so listen up: someday you’ll be glad for your hard things. You’ll figure out ways to make something better with them.
Like that doll you made out of rolled-up newspaper covered in masking tape with glass pins for eyes and yarn hair…remember? I think her name was Cessy. She wasn’t that cute, but you played with her all summer. Yeah, all your hard things are going to turn into Cessies. The things you don’t know how to survive, but do, will become your future masking tape and yarn, and your glass-pin eyes will have x-ray vision to see other people who struggle with hard things too. You don’t have to think about it that way now, hard things can just be hard. But tuck what I’m saying away so you’ll know how to use it later.
Also, newsflash: you don’t need to keep so many secrets. God already knows you, so there’s no point in trying so hard to keep other people from seeing who you are. The fact is, God is a lot like a mother, and you should probably keep some room open for that idea even when no one else is saying it, because it’ll explain a lot if you let it.
For now, just enjoy your dolls. Lean into whatever comforts you, because even though you often feel bad, you deserve to feel good. So let yourself do that more. That’s what God wants for you, but it’s tricky because it’s a gift you actually have to learn to give yourself.
You can start by trying not to worry so much. You’re going to end up worrying about all the wrong things, so why even do it? I know you can’t help it, but take it from me, it’s a bad investment, and focusing on how things might go wrong will keep you from enjoying everything that’s going right.
Now to church. You roll your eyes, I know, but that’s because you and church don’t understand each other. You haven’t gotten to know each other yet, and that’s going to take a long time. You know how sometimes those hard, secret things in your life have made you feel separate from your friends? Well, having church be hard has made you feel separate from everyone there too. But the truth is, you’re not that different. No matter what they say, the people at church aren’t as perfect as they hope they look. They have their own secrets, and they’re thinking and feeling a lot of the same things you are.
Don’t let the fact that no one says something out loud keep you from saying it. Not talking about what you need to talk about won’t make it go away, Susan, it’ll just make it heavy to carry. You were given your big thoughts for a reason. No matter what the people running it say, church could really use more little girls with big ideas, and voices to match. Fact is, you should sing even louder, even when it makes people turn around and look.
Now I know you won’t listen to this part and I wish you would: you’ve been in a hurry, but no matter how hard you try, you’re never going to outrun yourself. You’ll never find peace anyplace else, you’ve got to look for it in your own pockets. It’s in there, I promise. When you’re ready to stop and catch your breath, you’ll stick your hand in the right place and find it. I know it makes you mad when Glinda tells Dorothy, “you’ve had the power all along,” but the reason that story is a good one is because it’s true.
Speaking of which, don’t make up better stories for yourself than the true one you’re already living. Your stories have everything you need in them to grow, so don’t be afraid to tell them, and don’t try to make yourself look better when you do. What you learn is always going to be more important than how you looked when you were learning it. Also, everyone prefers listening to someone who’s not perfect.
Remember pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey at your cousin’s birthday party when you were so embarrassed because you missed the donkey altogether? Two things about that story: first, you’re the only one who remembers it and the only one who thought you looked dumb. Second, I know you feel like that a lot, but I’m telling you your donkey isn’t always where everyone else says it is, so you just keep walking in your own direction. I know enough now to promise you: you’re always going to get where you’re willing to go.
Finally—and this is good news!—you’re going to find out one of your earliest ideas for surviving was actually one of your best: put what you need into the room for yourself. I don’t know who gave you that strategy, but it’s solid gold so be grateful. Try to make it so everyone around you has what your heart knows you need. If you’re cold, turn up the thermostat. It will teach you about loving yourself, and everyone else too. No one can know what you want better than you do, so always listen to yourself when you’re talking. Your own voice is probably going to give you the best advice you’ll get, if you’re willing to hear it.
And that’s why you should keep this letter.