Episode 137: Let’s Talk About Healthy Relationships | A Conversation with Meghan Decker
In close relationships, sometimes it’s difficult to differentiate between a loved one’s side of the road and our own. We may develop unhealthy or unbalanced behavioral patterns. Codependency is one word used to describe what happens when we begin internalizing someone else’s emotions, or allow our well-being to become dependent on their behavior. We may try to fix, rescue, or control them. In Episode 137, Susan and Cynthia are joined by author Meghan Decker to discuss relationships and the challenges and rewards of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries with the people we love.
Notes & Quotes:
Tender Leaves of Hope: Finding Belonging as LGBTQ Latter-day Saint Women, by Meghan Decker
Gather Conference | Christ-centered support for Latter-day Saint LGBTQ individuals and those who love them.
Connect with Meghan Decker:
Books and Blog: www.meghandecker.com
“Merging (also called codependency and enmeshment) happens when our borders are too porous, and we merge with another person’s emotions and need, because we are not secure in ourselves and our self-identity. My goal was to become highly differentiated, so I could sit with a person in high emotion and stay in a state of open-heartedness, not enmeshed but also not retreating. If I am connected to a higher sense of self, I see feelings, I sort them, but I am not sucked in by them.
“When I start to feel my boundaries slip, or sense that I am over-identifying with someone else, I find I am taking on their thoughts and feelings, or trying to fix, rescue, or control them. My personal mantra pulls me back to my own side of the road. It didn’t come easily.” —Meghan Decker, Tender Leaves of Hope, p. 99
“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.” —Melodie Beattie, Codependent No More
“Our painful emotions can begin to influence us to adopt coping behaviors that are unhealthy. …Codependency is not a term that is meant to demean or criticize us. It is a word that simply identifies destructive thoughts, emotions and behaviors that impact our lives and the lives of our loved ones in a negative way. The prefix “co” in the word codependency refers to the connection between us and someone or something else. “Co” is attached to the word dependency to convey the understanding that our mental and emotional health are directly connected to and dependent upon what other people are thinking and doing. …Therefore, our happiness, peace and stability are dependent on what our addicted loved ones are or are not doing, placing us in an emotionally vulnerable position.
“When we allow our loved ones’ actions to dominate our thoughts, feelings and behaviors, we are reacting in a codependent manner.” —Healing Through Christ, Step One
“…Much of what we call codependency is simply human attempts to avoid, deny, or divert our pain.” —Melodie Beattie, Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps