If the first six paragraphs aren't a perfect outline of LDS cultural thought that I grew up immersed in, I don't know what is! I have spent my entire life trying to escape the deep, impenetrable belief that I am not only not worthy as I am, but can never be worthy -- that the only way is to "earn" love, and especially Divine Love! Even with evidence to the contrary (such as my mortal parents still loving me, even when they completely disagree with my life choices), I still can't shake the belief that Deity is FAR less forgiving than they are. (My mom wonders why I have such religious PTSD [I panicked when missionaries snuck up on me recently] -- this is why!). Add the fact I felt nothing Divine at church, personally, and experienced faith and belief vicariously, through other people.....? That just proved how evil and unworthy I really was! After baptism and confirmation, when I desperately needed to feel Divine Love and Acceptance, but just felt...nothing......I was convinced I was actually a Son of Perdition who lied my way into mortality (yes, at 8-years-old!), and that Heavenly Father fully knew it! I've spent a lifetime trying to prove Him wrong, but sensing I can only fail.
I'm glad my words felt resonant, even as I'm sorry you've had to struggle with some of the same things I have. I hope you feel some relief in not being alone. —Susan
Ahhhhh, this is great. We supposedly don't believe in "original sin," or so we say when we tell people that we don't believe in infant baptism. Yet - in effect, we do. So much stuff we've inherited from our Protestant forebears - in particular, to shortcut, "total depravity" - puts us in the position of saying, well, we all sin due to our imperfect nature. Therefore we need a savior to [somehow] pay the price for us - a doctrine that, if Jesus ever taught it, was certainly not central to what he seems to have regarded as his mission and purpose.
This raises so many questions for me, which would be (and perhaps should be) my own separate post. But for starters I'll just say that, first, LDS thinking on the Atonement is disorganized and incoherent and dependent on the purposes of whoever is speaking on the topic in the moment; and second, the whole "we're all sinners and need help to overcome sin" narrative is designed to benefit the leadership structure and hierarchy, not the individual beloved child made in the image of God.
I'd love to read that essay, Steve! Your last line feels deeply true to me—so much of the whole narrative at church seems to be designed to support the hierarchical structure. The individual always comes after the organization, in my church experience. If I could change one thing that would change everything, maybe it would be to simply reorder that. —Susan
Oh I’ve felt so many of those feels! Beautiful! For me, accepting and loving my own humanness also led me to find my own “God”-ness so to speak. I found a greater connection to the world in a way that felt so much more God-like than the God I worshipped in the heavens. The God I feel now resides right here in my heart and we worship together, as equal givers and receivers of love.
Stephenie, you have such a gift for expressing beautiful ideas! A god who worships with and within us, "equal givers and receivers of love." Yes, yes, yes. —Susan
This has been my experience, as well, Susan. I couldnt have written it any better if I'd tried, which I have. It encapsulates so many wonderful and connected thoughts and experiences of other people who've written their deepest, life-long wonderings.
If the first six paragraphs aren't a perfect outline of LDS cultural thought that I grew up immersed in, I don't know what is! I have spent my entire life trying to escape the deep, impenetrable belief that I am not only not worthy as I am, but can never be worthy -- that the only way is to "earn" love, and especially Divine Love! Even with evidence to the contrary (such as my mortal parents still loving me, even when they completely disagree with my life choices), I still can't shake the belief that Deity is FAR less forgiving than they are. (My mom wonders why I have such religious PTSD [I panicked when missionaries snuck up on me recently] -- this is why!). Add the fact I felt nothing Divine at church, personally, and experienced faith and belief vicariously, through other people.....? That just proved how evil and unworthy I really was! After baptism and confirmation, when I desperately needed to feel Divine Love and Acceptance, but just felt...nothing......I was convinced I was actually a Son of Perdition who lied my way into mortality (yes, at 8-years-old!), and that Heavenly Father fully knew it! I've spent a lifetime trying to prove Him wrong, but sensing I can only fail.
I'm glad my words felt resonant, even as I'm sorry you've had to struggle with some of the same things I have. I hope you feel some relief in not being alone. —Susan
Ahhhhh, this is great. We supposedly don't believe in "original sin," or so we say when we tell people that we don't believe in infant baptism. Yet - in effect, we do. So much stuff we've inherited from our Protestant forebears - in particular, to shortcut, "total depravity" - puts us in the position of saying, well, we all sin due to our imperfect nature. Therefore we need a savior to [somehow] pay the price for us - a doctrine that, if Jesus ever taught it, was certainly not central to what he seems to have regarded as his mission and purpose.
This raises so many questions for me, which would be (and perhaps should be) my own separate post. But for starters I'll just say that, first, LDS thinking on the Atonement is disorganized and incoherent and dependent on the purposes of whoever is speaking on the topic in the moment; and second, the whole "we're all sinners and need help to overcome sin" narrative is designed to benefit the leadership structure and hierarchy, not the individual beloved child made in the image of God.
I'd love to read that essay, Steve! Your last line feels deeply true to me—so much of the whole narrative at church seems to be designed to support the hierarchical structure. The individual always comes after the organization, in my church experience. If I could change one thing that would change everything, maybe it would be to simply reorder that. —Susan
Oh I’ve felt so many of those feels! Beautiful! For me, accepting and loving my own humanness also led me to find my own “God”-ness so to speak. I found a greater connection to the world in a way that felt so much more God-like than the God I worshipped in the heavens. The God I feel now resides right here in my heart and we worship together, as equal givers and receivers of love.
Stephenie, you have such a gift for expressing beautiful ideas! A god who worships with and within us, "equal givers and receivers of love." Yes, yes, yes. —Susan
This has been my experience, as well, Susan. I couldnt have written it any better if I'd tried, which I have. It encapsulates so many wonderful and connected thoughts and experiences of other people who've written their deepest, life-long wonderings.
It's a privilege to be in such good company, Beth. Thank you! I am so often buoyed by the support and solidarity I feel from you. —Susan