ALSSI Newsletter
August 2021
I've been thinking lately about reasons some Church members might look at me and think, Failed Saint, while in other ways I’d qualify for the Good Mormon seal of approval. (Right off the bat, because I used the word 'Mormon' I've scored a demerit, right? But the word is meaningful to me—it's mine as well as the institution's, and I feel entitled to use it in writing about my experiences.)
Anyway, let's see how I stack up: 1) Although I tried my best to teach them, I failed to keep my daughters in the Church. That's a big black mark! However, I raised 3 remarkable women who are positively impacting the lives of others as they move through the world. Their good works influence those within their reach and beyond. I can't count that as anything but a win. So is this a point in my favor, or does no success compensate for this failure? Probably depends who you ask.
2) I've never been able to commit with any certainty to a black/white religious belief system. That definitely counts against me when answering some specific questions at church, but, on the other hand...I'm still showing up, because my faith and hope remain intact! And I truly desire to learn the love lessons that operating within this body of Christ can teach me. Point, or no point? It’s confusing.
3) I've never had much interest in missionary work, because I've never quite believed I possessed something everyone else needed. There—I said it! My church life has been ill-fitting. Why would I wish that on anyone else? However, I've always tried hard to be a lifter, wherever I'm standing. From a young age, I recognized that my difficulties in life and at church equipped me with a supply of lifelines, so I've worked hard to learn to throw them for others.
I guess determining what constitutes a Good Mormon is a lot less cut-and-dried than a lifetime spent in these pews might lead us to believe. Maybe the real problem is with the label itself? Time we stopped using it—I know I’d be happy to not spend one more second of my life worrying about doing this right.
On a related note, you might wonder where the vintage photos and illustrations we sometimes use in our materials come from. It’s a long story, but I have a personal collection of thousands of ads and photos from 1920s-1950s women’s magazines. I’m drawn to them as an illustrator and a woman, because they provide a vivid snapshot of how and why we find ourselves in the position we're in now. These pictures often speak 1000 words, and they're talking about Us. They depict a world that looks idyllic on the surface while it teems with problematic (sometimes toxic!) assumptions, assertions, assignments, and expectations underneath. There are a lot of layers in a Latter-day Saint woman’s life—reasons some stuff we’re told should be simple actually feels very complicated—and for me, these images are clues. It's somehow comforting when I can see the map of how I got where I am, even if I can't see clearly how to get where I want to go next.
If you're still with us as we're sliding into the end of Season 3, you may be feeling that we're good at highlighting problems and asking questions, but not so good at providing answers. That's because we don't necessarily have answers! That’s not why we started ALSSI. We're working hard to map how we got here, in hopes that understanding it might equip us with tools and point to a forward path. One that is not necessarily simpler, but feels individually empowering, enlightening, loving, hopeful, and…dare I even say more true? To me, finding such a personal path sits at the heart of a spiritual life, and I can't imagine any group more likely to help me identify where I want to go than the women with whom I interact here. Thank you, not just for your ears, but your insights and willingness to share with me what you know. But also what you don’t—because it turns out, both are good! Both are helping me find my way.
— Susan
“Righteous people can be very different from each other personality wise, with unexpected and delightful benefits. . . . Being the same is not at all a requirement of righteousness!”
—Chieko N. Okazaki
In July, we all got a teensy bit obsessed…
We did a lot of thinking and talking about blessings, and what it might mean—or maybe not mean?—to be blessed. In addition to the sleepless night before we recorded it, our episode, What About Blessings? also generated days of online discussion after it dropped. Thanks to so many of you for sharing your own insights and experiences!
You can find a full transcript of the episode here.
We’re pretty sure there will be a Part 2 to this episode, since we’ve been messaging back and forth with continuing thoughts ever since. So stay tuned! (And if you have any flashes of insight, we’d still love to hear them.)
Meanwhile…we all deserve a break.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed by your mundane life? Need an hour of You-time? Good news—Our next Ladies’ Night In discussion group is on the calendar!
Thursday, September 2
7:00 pm Mountain
Here’s the link: https://meet.google.com/ddp-ewpu-ore
If you’re looking for an opportunity to connect and talk about important things with other women in a fun and supportive environment, these meetings are for you. We hope you’ll join us!
It’s not just us. ALSSI listeners also have a lot to say—
And we love it when you do! Whether it’s email, Fb, IG, or a comment on our site, thanks for taking time to share your thoughts with us. We’re continually humbled to be gifted with so many women’s stories. (Please accept our apologies if we’re slow getting back to you. Catching up on correspondence is one of our between-season projects!)
“Taking back the POWER to interpret experiences has led me to actually what was happening in my own life. Because the broad interpretations didn’t help and nothing was specific enough to me to give me any guidance, hope, or faith. I have always told my kids that they are allowed to feel what they were feeling and no one could tell them how to internalize anything. Why did it take me so long to listen to my own voice?”
— Stephanie, via Fb
"I've recently found myself in therapy to cope with these experiences along with other challenging family issues. After months, my therapist helped me come to a realization. In explaining some of my experiences she said ‘It sounds like you believe yourself to be a black sheep. Is that the core belief you have about yourself?’ And yes. Yes it is. After all of these experiences (and more that I've left out) how could I not see myself in this way? And yet, I'm working to challenge that belief. I'm working to regain some confidence and sense of self-worth. In listening to your episode I realized that in all the labels that I've given myself as a ‘black sheep,’ I've simultaneously labeled everyone else as a ‘White sheep.’ But of course, I don't actually know any of them well enough to have given them this label. I'm learning to reframe my thinking away from labeling myself and others. Hopefully that will help me find more friends. But at the very least, I think Jesus loves black sheep too."
— SkyeLyn, via email
“Not having a Mormon husband AND being right on the edge belief wise has always made me feel like an outsider. I have occasionally felt drawn to certain people—male and female—only to find a few years later that they leave the church! I would love to be brave and outspoken enough to find other like-minded souls but how do you do that? We liberal Mormons who have found a home here with you two wonderful women need a secret sign we can use to recognise each other in the real world!! I would love to be able to be completely honest and authentic but it’s hard.”
— Linda, via our website
“It's super hard to be single & maintain a good mental perspective when you are surrounded by an ideal that is stuck in the 50s. Everything about our culture screams that if you do not fit the mold, there's something wrong with you. The entirety of the singles program(s) is out of touch with the needs of its population & desperately needs to change. I feel extremely lucky to be in a ward where at least the RS sees me as a real person & values me, but I have heard so many stories…of bias against someone or completely insensitive comments just due to their singleness. If we truly believe our own stuff, we need to do things differently.”
— Tess, via Fb
Hailee: “I’m considering sharing this to my page but I have a bunch of Mormon family that would see it.”
Erin: “We know things are problematic when we can't share thoughts about our faith because other people will see.”
— from Fb
“In my work life, my supervisor, her supervisor, the VP, and CEO are all female leaders. They are the final decision makers. Even in law school the dean was a woman. However, in church, it’s not the case. I know women are capable of being amazing leaders. It’s so frustrating to go to church and see our voices limited when I see women’s voices amplified in other areas of my life. I love the church for other reasons but I struggle with this the most.”
— Nina Janne, via IG
Janalee: “[ … ] If anything has been clear from President Nelson, it’s that women’s voices and perspectives are NECESSARY.”
Amy: “It would be helpful if President Nelson would model this at, say, General Conference.”
— from IG
“When we open up about our emotional challenges, admitting we are not perfect, we give others permission to share their struggles. Together we realize there is hope and we do not have to suffer alone.”
— Reyna Aburto
And lastly…it’s always time for cake!
My mom talks about realizing she was a grownup when she ordered pie for breakfast the day after she got married, but I’ve got be honest—it simply never occurred to me that dessert might not be the best way to begin a day.
Susan’s Oatmeal Coffee Cake
1 c oats (quick or old-fashioned)
1-1/2 all-purpose flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
2 eggs
1 c packed brown sugar
3/4 c milk
1/4 c melted butter
1 tsp vanilla
Topping: 1/4 c butter, 1/2 c brown sugar, 1/2 c flour, 3/4 tsp cinnamon
Mix dry ingredients in large bowl. Whisk eggs and brown sugar in another bowl. When smooth, whisk in milk, butter and vanilla. Pour over dry ingredients. Fold in with rubber spatula, just until moistened. Pour batter into well-greased 9" cake pan or deep-dish pie plate. Mix topping ingredients until crumbly—sprinkle evenly over top of batter. Bake at 375 degrees for 25-30 minutes.
That’s it!
Enjoy the last weeks of summer…and thanks again for all the ways you support the ALSSI project and community!
— Cynthia & Susan