Living at the Edge of Inside

by Jeralee Renshaw
ALSSI Fall Gathering, Salt Lake City, October 2022

One of the most important and valuable things I have learned on this faith journey of mine, is that we are not all having the same experiences in life, faith, belief, or Mormonism.

We‘re just not.

But often from the inside, this can feel like a “One Size Fits All” church, or at least that has been my experience. Members often assume that everyone sitting in the pews with them on Sunday, all believe, or should believe the same things.

But I think if we could get inside the heads of everyone in our congregation, we might be surprised at the diversity we would find there.

Brief background on my story, I was raised in the Church in a pretty idyllic home. I  had amazing, loving parents who truly modeled equal roles of leadership in our home. It was a very happy childhood.

And I wanted to provide the same for my future family, so I used what I learned at home as my model.

I married a great guy, in the Temple, and for most of my adult life, I lived in a space where I accepted almost everything I had been taught both at home, and in the Church as absolute, capitol “T” Truth.

My husband and I spent our lives while raising our family, in leadership positions, and dedication to serving in the Church. It became our identity really.

And if I am being totally honest, those were busy, but happy years and I was very content and comfortable living in my safe little Mormon bubble.

Why wouldn’t I be?

I had the TRUTH. I knew the plan, and I went through life checking off all the boxes, and things seemed to be working out just the way I had envisioned it in my head. . .

Then a little over 10 years ago, I had something placed on my path, that seems to have changed the way I see and feel on just about everything.

Like seriously, I woke up one day and there it was, something I had never seen up close, or even heard much about before that moment.

I did not go looking for this, I wasn’t a seeker by nature, but one day, there it was.

Life has a way of doing that to us doesn’t it, big challenges seem to come out of nowhere.
And this was enormous for me. I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t get over, under, or around it, I had to face it, and knew it was something I was just going to have to go through.

This was not part of my plan, and it was painful.

One of our adult children came to us in what I would now describe as a near complete faith deconstruction. But at the time I had no idea what to call it, or what to do with it. All I knew was that it was terrifying, uncomfortable, painful, and I was filled with fear!

I had never heard the term “Faith Crisis”, so I literally got on my laptop, and Googled it. I learned that my child was not the only person in the world who had experienced this. I did mention that I had been living in a bubble, right?

If something like this could happen to THIS child, who had never been rebellious or caused us any reason for concern, then I knew it could happen to literally anyone.

I was completely unprepared. I had no clue. No tools, and no one really who felt safe to talk to about this. It certainly didn’t feel safe to talk about it at Church, where I saw smiling faces, and wondered if I would ever feel happy again? 

I knew in my heart that I could not just accept that my child had “strayed from the path,” “let go of the rod,” you know these phrases we hear, and throw around in the Church.

My mother heart completely rejected that, I knew better. This was someone I knew to be seeking truth, and wanting to live with integrity, it was NOT about wanting to sin.

And I just had to try and understand what had taken place. . .

So, I dove in, I took a few things down off my shelf , the first was polygamy. I had placed some things carefully there on a shelf because, well I didn’t know what else to do with them. . .

And after a pretty intense period of study and research, I learned many things about our doctrine, and our history that I was honestly not previously aware of.

Things I had never been taught in all my years of growing up attending Seminary, Sunday School, and all the things. . .

I was over 50 years old at this point, and had spent all of my adult life testifying, and claiming to *KNOW* with absolute assuredly about most everything I had been taught.

And If I didn’t have the answers, I was sure that the Church certainly did.

That was my story, right up until . . . it no longer worked.

Like, at. all!

And it felt like everything might be falling apart, and …that it might not ever go back in the box exactly the same way it came out…because it never does.

That is a little glimpse into MY story that brings me here, but over time, I have learned that there are many things that bring people to a place where they are no longer sure about *truth*, knowledge, and belief in the LDS Church, and in religion in general.

So for me today, what this means is that I see, feel, and believe differently about the organization of the LDS Church than I once did. 

While there are things I love about the organization, and most especially the people & community, I also see the messiness, the warts, and I see some very real pain and damage in it all.

And so here I am today, Living at the Edge of Inside.

Let me share a little about my introduction to the Edge of Inside. . . 

In 2016 David Brooks, wrote an op-ed for the New York Times, called

“The Edge of Inside.”

Now, Prior to reading his piece, I had never heard this term before and it turns out that Brooks was borrowing from Richard Rohr!

I know that all of you who follow ALSSI are at least familiar with Richard Rohr, and like our friends Susan and Cynthia, I am also a big fan of his work. 

Brooks, borrowing from Rohr, talks about three types of people found in any organization.

–The first, the organization’s insiders – They are the decision makers in the organization.

I could relate to that and felt I had been there (as much as a woman in the church can be). I have lived & served in the Church my whole life, so I’ve had a taste of being an Insider.

–The second are the outsiders –They are not members of the group, and they are untouched by internal loyalties to the organization. They are the bomb throwers who heavily criticize the organization.


That had never really been me, I was born & raised in the Church, but I certainly know many who fit this category, and I am sure you do too.


–The third are people at the edge of inside. They love the organization, but, while being loyal, they also see the organization as imperfect, and possibly even flawed.


Their loyalty and commitment are sometimes questioned by the insiders, but the “Edgers” are in a unique position to evaluate and critique the organization.

Rohr says,

“A doorkeeper must love both the inside and the outside of his or her group, and know how to move between these two loves…They work at the boundaries, the bridges and entranceways…”

Being on the edge of inside means being connected to an established system but not being beholden to it or reliant upon it.

When I read the article, it was a true light bulb moment, for me. Although I had experienced this giant shift in my life, I had never really found the right words to describe where it left me, I was never comfortable with titles such as “Middle Way Mormon,” “Cafeteria Mormon,” or simply “Nuanced Mormon” (Oh yes, I’m sure you have noticed, I do still use Mormon),
but “Living At The Edge of Inside” so perfectly described, better than anything I had previously tried on, where I find myself today.

After having lived most of my life with a very black and white view of the world around me, I have taken a HUGE step away from Certainty, and capitol “T” Truth.

Truth is a word we use a lot in Mormonsim, isn’t it?

You can hardly sit through a church meeting without hearing it multiple times.

But in my lived experience, what I have found is that if you try and get a group of people together, even 2 or 3 to decide on what “Truth” really is. . . They don’t. all. agree!

Because. . . we are all experiencing the world through our own lens and perspective.

I do feel pretty confident in testifying that, Gravity is True. No matter who you are, what country you live in, no matter the color of your skin, male or female, if you jump off the roof of your house, you will fall to the ground.

100%, am I right?

Absolutely, I know that gravity is TRUE.

So after spending years testifying of “Truth” (or what I thought was truth), and speaking from a position of absolute knowledge, and making promises about lots of things, I find myself in the rather surprising position that the older I get, the less I really *KNOW* about much of anything.

Now maybe this all sounds a bit uncomfortable or even wishy-washy to some of you, but the way I am experiencing it, this is about growth, and about faith.
And growth is often uncomfortable, even painful.

This quote by Cynthia Ocelli so beautifully describes this,

“For a seed to achieve it’s greatest expression, it must come completely undone.

The shell cracks, it’s insides come out and everything changes.

To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”

— Cynthia Ocelli

After sharing this quote with a friend recently, she replied with this from Pat Barker,

“Transformation consists almost entirely of decay.”

— Pat Barker

So what use to be very black & white, has now opened up my view to seeing the world around me as this big, beautiful, expansive, full spectrum of color and possibility, and it is about keeping my heart and mind open to new ideas and learning.

Reminds me of the ‘Empty Your Cup’ conversation, I’m pretty sure this was discussed on an ALSSI episode, maybe early in season 1.
The moral of the lesson is pretty simple: By the time of adulthood, our heads are already filled with so much information and our world-view has become fixed. This hinders us from learning and gaining new knowledge.

So it becomes necessary for us to empty our cup, to make room for new information.

I have come to a place of peace with the idea that many things for me are just *un-knowable*.

* So this is how I would describe my experience with Faith:   

Faith exists in possibilities, not certainties.

Faith is what we choose to do in the absence of certainty.

True faith is the ability to act in the presence of doubt.

And so, for me,

True faith is a recognition that I don’t know.

I heard Claudia Bushman say this at a fireside I attended where she & her husband Richard spoke,

“Ambiguity and contradiction are a part of life.

Truth is elusive and malleable.

Accepting that condition is a necessary part of maturity.” — C. Bushman

And so we hold tensions and contradictions. . .

It’s kind of like learning to stand with your feet apart & your knees bent in a strong wind. If you are positioned like that when the winds blow, you will likely remain standing.

In my days of black & white thinking and *Truth*, I was standing with my knees locked with certainty, and when the winds blew, it knocked me off balance a bit. OK, a LOT.

So, I’ve learned to take a safer stance for now, keeping my knees bent, with an open heart and mind.

At the edge of inside “you enjoy neither the purity of the outsider nor that of the true believer.” So how do we find belonging at the Edge?

I can only share from my own lived experiences, and I want to be clear that I am not advocating for this path, but sharing from where I stand.

Finding belonging in this space takes time and patience.

Some of the best advice I can give is to allow yourself that time, not having to make any big decisions about what is right for you today, tomorrow, or even 3 months from now.

This is a journey. . .

SO give yourself time, not rushing decisions, or feeling the need to have all the answers. I find a place of peace in allowing for ambiguity, and not having to *know*, sitting with the questions themselves, and allowing space for faith, and hope.

So I think one of the first thing for me was something you have heard on the podcast a lot, and that is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

This was something new for me, and it takes some time. . .

*Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Kind of ironically, I once overheard my Stake President say, “There is no growth in the comfort zone, and no comfort in the growth zone.”

I am sure he didn’t coin the phrase, but hearing the words come from him has stuck with me, and makes it much more fun to quote.

*The other really important thing is that I gave myself permission to be on this journey.

And I’ve given myself permission to trust and follow my own heart and mind.  I like to think that following your own heart and mind is really your *Divine Intuition*.

So give yourself permission.

I currently have a great Bishop, I’ve had 2 in a row actually that I have considered to be “within my circle of trust”, and I know this can change with the next Bishop called.

My Bishop is a podcast listener, and I can’t take any credit for that. In May, I got this text from him,

“I just listened to your Faith Matters Podcast.

Excellent.

“I don’t consider you on the edge of inside, but it is a good way to describe many.”

I did a “Belonging at The Edge of Inside” podcast episode w/ Faith Matters,

I had not shared the link with him.

In early September, I got this message from him:

“I have now listened to your At Last She Said It episode where you use this “Edge of Inside” comment. Good stuff.”

I responded thanking him, and then he came back with this,

“My wife and kids all listen to that podcast. Don’t be offended but they often call it the “That’s what she said” podcast.”

When I shared this little back & forth text communication with Susan and Cynthia, Susan’s response was, “Pretty sure there’s a joke in there somewhere, but we’ll leave it to Michael on the Office.”

I am grateful, and very fortunate today to feel comfortable in my own ward/neighborhood community, recognizing that may not always be the case.

I have a set of personal rules that help me to navigate this, and you are welcome to adopt them if they might work for you.

‪My personal rules are:

‪a) I don’t share my journey with anyone who has not first earned my trust.

‪b) Once you have shared, you can not un-share, so proceed with caution.

‪c) For me, this is a very fluid journey, so I am hesitant to label what I do and do not believe, as that might change a bit tomorrow, or next week.

‪d) Faith Journeys are very personal. Don’t  feel that you need or should share with anyone that you don’t want to…

‪e) Set safe boundaries for yourself on what you feel you can and cannot do on serving / participating at church, given where you are, and then answer accordingly if any given calling will work for you.  

No one knows your circumstances better than you do.

Wisdom from Sister Brene Brown:

  “Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: “Who has earned the right to hear my story?” If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.”

Is Church hard At The Edge of Inside?

Do I at times wonder if I really belong, or if there is a place for me?

Yes, Absolutely, but I’m working on finding ways to own it.

I have this vision/hope for a Big Tent in Mormonism, and I talk about it often.

I like to think of Isaiah 54:2 as being about this vision, listen to this, from the King James version . . .of course,

“Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitations: spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes.”

– when you stretch forth the curtains it moves them from a vertical to a horizontal position allowing for a much greater area of shelter and refuge beneath the tent.

I especially love the line “spare not”. . .

That feels like making room for everyone, doesn’t it?

– The tent should be stretched and lengthened without holding back. Changing to a horizontal focus also expands the view of those within the tent.

That’s my vision and what I hope for, but the reality is that I sometimes I feel like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.

I am sure many of you do too.

Living at the Edge isn’t always an easy space to occupy.

In fact, at the Edge you will find that you may be criticized from both sides, both the orthodox believers on the inside, who don’t have tolerance or understanding of what we have experienced (because it is really not possible to completely “understand” what you have not been through), and those who are on the outside, and can’t understand or tolerate why we wouldn’t just walk away.

Local leadership can absolutely make all the difference here. I was once in a ward with really tough leadership, and I felt like I was literally suffocating.

So I’ve experienced that too. The bishop was afraid of me, because he *heard* that I had read some essays, you know, the ones that are on the Church website, lds.org, and that is another story, for another time…

As I experienced it in that ward, the leadership was leading with fear, rather than love.  

For the first time in my life, I understood how or why people could step away/leave the Church because of how they were treated. We have all heard the idea, that someone “left the Church because they were offended,” and generally I think there is usually much, much more to the story than that, but I got a taste of how that could happen.

So, of course I hear things at Church that are hard, or that I don’t agree with. Sunday’s are not always easy at the Edge.

One thing that helps me is when I can remind myself, that not too many years ago I may have said/done the same thing that makes me a little crazy when I hear it in church today.

So I find hope in the idea that we are all learning through our different life experiences, and holding space for those who believe differently than I do.

We don’t really know when something might appear on their path that might change the way they see and feel about everything, just like it did for me.

And that thought helps me to offer :: Grace ::

The other reality is that If we want space to believe in big tent Mormonism, there needs to of course be room in that tent for the more orthodox believing, or the “organizations Insiders.” 

I understand that one of the most bittersweet aspects of Mormonism is that it permeates all of our relationships. Especially our family relationships.

*How many of you have experienced feeling uncomfortable in discussions about LDS faith / belief with family members?

When the church is working for you, it can be a great source of joy.

(remember my happy little bubble?)

When the church isn’t working for you, it can be painful & isolating.

But please know that you are not alone…I hope you all feel that through ALSSI lifeline.

Because I was once that mother who experienced all the complicated & painful emotions over having a child who went through a faith deconstruction, I know that struggle, and just how hard that can be.

We now have 3 or our 4 adult children completely out of the Church, including one who identifies as queer. Each of their stories are different, no two paths exactly alike.
All incredible humans, and we are learning to honor each of their unique and individual journeys.
Learning to honestly honor their agency takes time/work in progress.

I hold great compassion for parents who experience this.

As I have shared with you, I also have experienced having a big shift in my own belief and the way I see things, and understand well the complexities there. In reflecting on my journey over this past 10+ years, I am deeply grateful to those who lifted and supported me, and I want to in some way be able to pay it forward, and offer support to others.

I want there to be safe spaces for people to process and hold the complexities, share their lived experiences, bring questions to the table, and support one another. As a result of this, I spend some time supporting two different online groups, one is for those in the wrestle themselves, working to stay active & constructively engaged while being aware of the difficulties. And the other support group is called *Bridges – Support for Latter Day Saint Parents of Adult Children*, and our goal there is to support, and help parents to love their children unconditionally no matter what they do or do not believe, and hopefully build bridges in family relationships.

Going back to what Rohr says about Edgers, “They work at the boundaries, the bridges and entranceways…”

Some closing thoughts from a couple of my heroes:

Chieko Okazaki  – (our Patron Saint)

I wonder if she didn’t often feel that she lived On The Edge On Inside?

As a woman of color in leadership positions, she struggled mightily with why women were not included on publications.

– Dialogue interview w/ Greg Prince  

“So I asked, “Who is writing this manual?” It turned out to be five men, and the Melchizedek Priesthood quorums and Relief Society would have the same lessons. I asked, “Why aren’t the women included in this?” Then they sort of got the point and called three women to the committee.”

In that interview, she said this,

“I couldn’t help thinking that I’d “had moments when I thought, “Why should I belong to this Church when I’m not accepted?” — Greg Prince Dialogue interview, pg. 128

Those on the edge of inside are frequently in the role of one who listens, learns, and takes their cues from the margins in order to critique, and yes, sometimes criticize, expose, and affect change among the “insiders.” 

I think Christianity includes a long line of prophets, including Jesus, who found themselves in the tension of this dynamic.

Jesus Christ – When I think of Christ, and how he healed and befriended people from all different walks of life: the sick lepers who were looked down on, the blind and afflicted, the tax collectors who were unpopular and detested, the sinners who were shunned, the widows, and the women.

The women who were so limited by society at that time, and he welcomed them into his circle of disciples. 

Again and again he widened the circle, and broadens the tent, of who were considered acceptable. 

As humans we are tribal creatures, but when I think “what would Jesus do,” 2 Nephi 26:33 comes to mind,

And he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.

“I have always been drawn to the edges of things, the places where two things collide. Where bog borders riverbank, where meadow merges into forest. Where you stand in the margins of what is behind you and look out across the threshold of the future.

The brink of possibilities – will you cross?

Edges are transitional places; they are also the best places from which to create something new. Ecologists call it the ‘edge effect’: at the convergence, where contrasting ecological systems meet and mingle… Those of us who live here must be comfortable with storms and with change, for it is on these unsettled, unsettling edges that we will hear the Call which launches us on our journey. And though we can never quite be sure what that journey will involve, we know that new possibilities may be created only if we surrender to uncertainty.”

— Sharon Blackie

This is all about growth.

My life motto has become,

I am far from what I once was, and not yet what I am going to be.

My heart to each of you on this journey Living at The Edge of Inside, or wherever it takes you.