For a Latter-day Saint woman who has suffered sexual abuse or other trauma, church can feel triggering. If the abuse involved leaders or fellow members, finding a path to healing within her church community may be even more difficult. Bergen Hyde joins Cynthia and Susan to discuss situations and experiences that can make church unsafe. It’s an emotional, enlightening glimpse at some of the incredible burdens we may not realize many vulnerable sisters struggle to carry in the seats beside us.
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Contact Bergen Hyde on Instagram @womb_circle
Anonymous
I just listened to the episode entitled when church isn’t safe. It’s my first time listening to your podcast and I felt grateful there was a space where taboo concerns and issues can be discussed. I wasn’t sexually molested by a leader of the church or anyone for that matter but I was traumatized by abuse of a different nature. I grew up in a devout LDS home with narcissistically abusive parents. My mom used spirituality and shame as a weapon to keep us in line. I wanted so badly to be good enough to be deserving of love that I did everything I was supposed to do, served a mission got married in the temple. The man I married was emotionally and verbally abusive. I didn’t leave him because I knew divorce was looked down upon. Growing up in an emotionally abusive home and in a church where the priesthood holder is the authority I didn’t see how I was being treated was wrong, until I did. I finally went to my bishop who was concerned when I described my relationship with my husband to him. He called my husband in and took his recommend away ordering us to couples therapy. The LDS therapist, not being skilled in abusive relationships put me in a position where if I spoke honestly about what was going on in my marriage I would be punished at home. I stopped talking. I planned an escape. When I asked for help in escaping my husband, who I was now terrified of, I was told I wouldn’t receive help from the church because marriage is sacred and what I was doing was against the teachings of the church. Devastated by what I felt was a rejection and condemnation of my behavior I had a few friends and my parents who helped me leave. Once I was back in my parents home they continued their abuse of me. I left their home moving back to the state I had been with my soon to be ex husband, having a stronger support system of friends there. The bishop of the ward I had lived in with my ex eventually called me one day telling me I needed to move back home, another state away, because my presence was too hurtful to my ex, even though I was in a different city from him going to a different ward. That was over 20 years ago. I have remarried in the temple and have 3 children. Because of my feelings of not being good enough from my childhood I have had many more experiences where I have been taken advantage of my members of the church because of my people pleasing and fawning behavior triggered anytime I felt someone didn’t approve of me. I now find it difficult to go to church too. I am currently in the middle of trauma therapy. I feel sad when I think about losing my community. I also feel relief from the guilt and shame I always felt before. Knowing I am good enough regardless of my choices and behavior is a spiritually freeing experience.