Many Latter-day Saint women don’t feel at liberty to talk about their challenges at church. Church history, policy, doctrine, or culture, our personal and family experiences, the ebb and flow of our faith, unexpected doubt or uncertainty—these things can create burdens we carry silently, made heavier by accompanying feelings of guilt, loneliness, unworthiness or shame. In this episode, Susan shares thoughts about her own journey into silence—and thankfully out again—as a woman in the LDS Church.
Bethanie J. Dow
Thank you a thousand times for your speaking up post/podcast episode. I heard my story mixed into yours. I want my church experience to be less guarded and more free and I have to let go of judgment and the real fear of being exposed and excommunication by angry white men I attend church with. Unfortunately I have seen unnecessary harsh situations in church. Like most I am sure..so again I learn to trust myself and my relationship with God/Godess and get real in spite of the risks.
Jenn
I’m not going to lie, this one was very triggering for me… Years ago, as a primary president, during a presidency meeting, I made the mistake of opening up to my counselors about some doubts and frustrations with a few particular points of the gospel. I was on the Brene Brown vulnerability hype train then too and just seeking some comfort, but it completely backfired on me. They “reported” me to the bishop, and I was released immediately even though I had only served for six months. Years later, I still feel shunned by my ward. And branded a heretic. I used to serve/teach/sub all the time, all over (RS, YW, SS, Primary – even in the nursery or as primary chorister – hard callings to find subs for). I loved it. But I am not invited or asked to help with anything anymore. Not since that happened. (Gossip and rumors spread fast, I guess.) It has been heartbreaking. Home church during COVID was a Godsend for me, and now I can’t even tell you how much I dread going back.
Susan Hinckley
I’m so sorry it was triggering for you, Jenn. As I said in the episode, I’ve seen it happen exactly the way you describe it happening to you. It takes my breath away sometimes to imagine how much less rich we are as a people because of the silencing that has been imposed upon so many who would have added a diversity of ideas to the teaching and thinking in our wards. I hope this changes for you. Heartbreaking indeed. Thanks for speaking up despite the consequences, and for showing up here to remind us we’re not alone.
Deborah Squires-Coleman
Thank you for your poetry of thought. So much resonated with me. Thoughts I cannot easily put into words. You have a gift. You are a gift.
Marie
Thank you for this. I have realized since finding your podcast how deeply I have stuffed my need to study, and ask questions, and seek deeper understanding. And then I have wondered what was wrong with me that I never seem to fit anywhere in the church. It dredged up a lot of memories about being repreatedly intensely shamed and feeling like there was something wrong with me because I wanted more than “Sunday School answers.” I had not realized until listening to this episode and the one on asking questions how much that had impacted my life. Like Jenn, I have gone through long periods with no callings, or with callings that isolated me from any real interaction with other ward members.
I feel so much less alone having found this podcast. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Susan Hinckley
So glad this one resonated for you, Marie! Well…I wish it didn’t resonate with anyone, truthfully, but realizing how many of us have had similar thoughts and experiences may give us strength collectively to take a big step forward and finally speak the truth of our experience. Thanks for sharing.
Shannon Starks
I’m catching up on old episodes because i was introduced to the podcast only a few months ago. It’s uncanny how many parallels I’m finding between Susan and my lives, though my upbringing was probably more relaxed. For many years I’ve relied on written prayers at times to help develop my relationship with God, and 25 years ago I wrote a song that I titled “My Murmuring Song,” attempting to express many of the thoughts in your essay. Thanks so much to all of the team you have now helping women to feel whole in their spiritual journeys.